To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

Just give him two options:

(a) his DC share the second bedroom
(b) he doesn't move in

Beggars can't be choosers. If you're a doormat on this now you'll be getting walked all over for the rest of your relationship.

Don't move him in, OP. I also think it's a red flag that he's prioritising his son's needs over both girls. Does his DD want to share a room with an acquaintance? Probably not. Maybe he's just not thought that through, but honestly I think it's a sign of misogyny.

You need a 4 bed place together if you want to move in together down the line. Keep your daughter's sanctuary.

Moving in with you seems good for him and his kids, not so much for you and yours. Either pool finances and buy a bigger place together, or put this on hold and both stay in your own houses. Your children should come first.

Wow; he's onto a winner isn't he?

Rent-free life in a house rather than a flat, his kid gets his own room; I bet he'll get you doing all the cooking and cleaning too.

What exactly are you getting from him moving in?

Half the bills? Well the food, utility and council tax bills will be higher due to him and his kids living there anyway, so that's not going to give you extra money to spend; what's the point of him?

I can’t see what benefit you will have from having him move in - financial or otherwise . Put your child first.

Red flags galore here.

It all sounds like this only benefits him and his kids leaving no benefit to your daughter.

would having two extra children in her space disrupt her full stop even if she doesn’t have to share?

Keep things as they are and spend time together when you can but don’t move him and his kids into your house

HRTT but I wouldn't be having him move in at all, he can make promises now to get his feet through the door and then slowly going you down to manipulate the situation to his liking.
I wouldn't live with him until the children are out, all of them.
I wouldn't e with someone that dictates things like this in my own house anyway tbh.

After 18 months or even 2 years, I would not be entwining children yet.
Would wait atleast another year or two

When you do, 100% the two siblings share.

In your post, you say that you may get a 4 bedroom house later on. So will you be putting the money from the sale of your house in? And he puts what in? If so, or if you plan to marry him, your mad !

Your child needs to 100% come first

You’ve told him what’s acceptable to you and your daughter. If he doesn’t like it he can find alternative accommodation.

I wouldn’t move him in at all tbh. Your house isn’t big enough and he sounds a bit cheeky with his demands so far as well.

Keep this grabby cocklodger out of your home. Even if he agrees his kids share for now he will wear you and DD down until he gets his own way. What is wrong with these bloody men who fail to house themselves and their children adequatly and try to pressure single mums to house them?

Well he's already telling you how it's going to be. After 18 months he must realise what her health conditions need.

I got my twins a bunk bed which had a double bed below and a single bed on top

Definitely don’t make your DD share.

if he’s causing issues and not prioritising you’re DD’s needs at this stage - this should be a red flag and I’d consider living separately for the long term.

He does not understand your daughters needs, and doesn't care. To be honest I wouldn't even want to be in a relationship with a man that showed that level of selfishness and that level of inconsiderateness to a vulnerable child. He does not seem like a nice person at all. What attracts you to him? Whatever it is, he clearly is not ready to move in as he won't consider the people already there. He is a cocklodger looking to get out of renting and you are his free house. DON'T move in with him, and tbh, now you've seen this inconsiderate side of him where your daughter is concerned, I'd be re-thinking the relationship altogether.

Out of interest, does he genuinely look after his kids during his time with them, or do other people do it for him?

50/50 means he also won’t be paying child maintenance.

No rent, no maintenance, you swallowing some of his costs by splitting everything 50/50…he’s onto a winner.

YANBU and I’d be very concerned at how little respect he seems to have for your daughter or your wishes, and he’s not even through the door yet!

Even if he agrees his kids share for now he will wear you and DD down until he gets his own way.

This exactly, OP. He won't take no for an answer. You will not hear the end of it until he gets his way. Once he is in your house he will try to talk to you about it regularly until he wears you down. Then your daughter suffers.

He’s been wry clear his son will be taking priority over your daughter.

This would put me right off him.

YANBU.

My own DD's don't share a room because older DD has SN so youngest DD (8) shares with me.

They need their own space. I can't imagine what would happen if she was forced to give up her only sanctuary. It's not great for DD8 but it's just the way we have to do it and she understands more than her older sister.

I would suggest maybe bunk beds instead of them sharing a double bed. Or if you look online people have created separate spaces without having to use an actual divide which might give you some ideas.

My biggest worry would be that he doesn't seem to understand your DD's needs properly.

This

Protect yourself financially as well.

YANBU. The house isn't big enough.

18 months and planning on moving mr bossy in.

Your poor poor child.
SEN and now mr bossy pushing his way into her home.

I cannot get over how hard some children have it.

You should NOT be moving this bossy man into your home.

Let him provide a home for his own children.

He certainly saw you coming.🙄

Do not do this.

Protect that poor child.

YANBU. Even if your DD didn’t have SN I think it makes sense for the two siblings to share, regardless of gender. They are already used to sharing and presumably it works. Making two unrelated children who have never lived together before share a room seems like a potential recipe for disaster as they won’t be used to each other’s quirks, habits, boundaries etc. It’s going to be a huge deal to the children suddenly having to live each other and both girls deserve a space they can feel safe and secure. I expect your partners DD will feel more comfortable in a room with her brother than with your DD at times she is struggling so your way works for both.

That said, I think it will only be a medium-term solution to have them share. Your partners DD is probably only a couple of years from puberty so there is going to be a point at which she is going to need privacy from her brother, at that point she will either need her own room or to share with your DD as I don’t think it’d be fair for a young girl to be navigating a changing body and periods etc whilst sharing a room with her brother. Both girls hitting puberty will be here before you know it so you need to be considering a plan for in a couple of years time sooner rather than later and either making plans to move to a 4-bed or giving your DD the skills she will need to move bedrooms and share with your partners DD in the future.

This.

That you would even consider this is so awful.

He couldn't give a damn about your child, just looking for the nearest mug that will allow herself to be bossed about and doesn't put her children first.

Your poor child.

Wake up to this user loser.

Your daughter deserves better than this.