To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

Simply put but spell out he is suggesting his dd DOES still share when with him-at your home.. Just with your dd not his ds!
Would just be his ds that was 'better off'.. Is he trying to outdo his ex on giving the ds his own room?

Is the double room big enough to split with bunk beds, each with the opposite side walled off to create two mini rooms? Might be an option to give his two their own private space. Definitely a hard no on making your dd share imo.

This!
Yet another man looking for a home and taking the piss!

🚩 🚩 🚩

His argument doesn't stack up - his dd will still be sharing, just not with her brother. How is that any different or better than at their mums or at his current place.

If his tenancy is coming to an end he can move in and have them share as they are at the minute or he can move to a larger rental to allow them to have their own room until you can make the move to a 4 bed. For gods sake have what's yours protected though!!!

For what it's worth, he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to love with. No way is someone moving into my space and telling me how I can use it, even more so when he's scabbing off you rent free!!

I don't think him moving in is going to be the best option.

Don’t move him in. He doesn’t understand your DD’s condition. He doesn’t your DD well enough to be joining households and families.

Your DP logic is faulty anyway as his reasoning is that they share at mums so shouldn't have to share at his, yet even with his proposal his daughter would have to share at both places so it would quite unfair.

I would say they share or you don't move in together until you can get a 4 bed

Yadnbu

DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room

If he thinks this then he should get a house in which this can happen.

Yanbu. Don't move him in. I'd say don't move him in even if he agrees his children should share. Too early and his demands are not reasonable.

I would seriously contemplate the best case scenario of him moving and the worst case.
It doesn't seem to benefit you or any of the kids.
I grew up in what would be considered a very successfully blended family, no special needs, no shared rooms -it was still incredibly difficult and upsetting.
If you're not fussed, please don't do it.

This

Don't move him in-it all sounds too complicated!

I'd wait until the kids have left home & live together then if you want to!

It's not just your daughter's room that's at risk. Your own office would be given up for his children. You work from home - why would you give up your office? Think of half terms and holidays when the kids are all there and you don't have anywhere quiet to work. Why would you put yourself through that?

DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

How does that make sense? His daughter would still be sharing a room, except she would be sharing a room with someone she isn't even related to. Only his son would benefit from that arrangement.

This - the fact that he has even suggested it says that he doesn't think your DD's feelings are worth considering.

Absolutely do no do this to your daughter. She’ll never forgive you, ever, and will resent him and his DCs. Recipe for a lifetime of therapy.

I’d lose him just for suggesting it, it’s unhinged.

If he truly cared for you, he would not even suggest this as he would know your feelings you have around your ds and he would know her needs.

This is without the fact his children share ALREADY (everywhere) so no issue/ difference for them.
AND the fact he has them 50:50 meaning that would mess your dd up more with no consistency for her routine.

Also be careful because if he agrees his dc share he may hold it against your dd without you knowing but his presence/ looks/ comments could really make her feel uncomfortable.

I think he'd be the type to put his dc's needs first all the time too. Example- 'My 2 children want to go xyz so your dd is outnumbered' or 'they are only here half the time so they should choose'.

You are in a really good position right now as you have a CHOICE which once moved in you won't have. And it will be awful having him/ them there when he can't won't find a new place to move to when you split up which will happen if you move him in now.

My dh and I only moved in after 3 years of being together (neither any children) thats because we wanted to know what's right for us. 18 months is not long when children are involved.

Stay as you are for now, the test will be when you tell him he's not moving in.

If he's genuine and really wants you he will wait but I have a feeling he will kick off.

Take care op.

This!!!! Even if your DD keeps her room for now he’ll have his CF eyes on it the whole time.

Don’t move him in. You’d only be saving him rent money which is a fucking pitiful excuse for traumatising your daughter.

There’s zero need to move your boyfriend in to your child’s home. You haven’t explained how it would benefit your child, or prioritise her, to have your bloke in her home? Just enjoy dating without the drudgery of housing a man and his kids.

OP, if you're 'not bothered' about having him move in (and good on you!), why are you even considering it? He's already giving you argument about why his son shouldn't have to share and his daughter should share with yours. This is not his house, it's yours and your daughter's.

Let him stay where he is and allocate his rooms how he likes. What a twat!

I'm glad you're looking out for your daughter's interests, please keep doing that and don't ever move him in.

He sounds like a cocklodger before he's even movd in!

I wouldn’t move in with him. I’d drop is sn her home is how she is used to. This could be a major stress. If you can all afford to move to a four bed do that in the future.

Also - be very careful about letting him move in. If you split up in a couple of years' time he may have a claim on your home even if he hasn't paid a penny towards mortgage or property maintenance. It's a very dangerous area to step into.

Make sure you have everything watertight and well protected - keep him as a short-notice lodger or something. Don't give him an inch when it comes to your assets - you have yourself and your DD to think of.

This definitely makes a difference haha

You were definitely not BU anyway, but I would have suggested an 8yo and a 4yo sharing a bed was definitely unreasonable though and that the current set up probably didn't facilitate moving in together (as suggested by PP)

But yeah, a room with a side each is definitely fine

but I'm not bothered about living with him,

Ummmm...then why is he moving in? Its something you should both be wanting! 😯