To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

It shouldn’t have to be said, but well done for standing up for your child. I hope it all works out.

Well done @SharingARoom How he reacts now will potentially be a make-or-break situation within your relationship, not a bad thing to find out before you invest even more time into the relationship. Hopefully he respects your decision, gets a new place close by and you can continue your relationship. If he disrespect your decision and trys to guilt you and wear you down then you know he's not worth the extra time.

Clearly the fact that he has even considered pushing your boundaries on this means that he doesn’t move in until all children have left home, if ever.

This is the tip of the iceberg. Even if he agrees to your arrangement now, as soon as he moves in he’ll be pushing the boundaries again.

In fact, I don’t think M/F dc sharing a bed half of their lives is a good idea at all, but it just shows it’s not appropriate for him to move in at all. There isn’t the space for it.

Imo moving another man into your child’s home is almost always a bad idea, but particularly so where there isn’t enough space.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Not sharing a bed, just sharing a room, they'd have their own beds and their own side of the room with drawers/wardrobes and decorated how they wanted.

May you be an advocate for all the sackless women who would never stand up for their dc like you have op.
We salute you!

Your house your rules - YANBU.

That said, whilst moving him in means you'll be able to better save for a bigger property, be careful. In the event you split, whilst he has no claim on the house as its in your name, he could come after you for financial support for dependent children (his DS and DD), so make sure you have all your legal bases covered.

I know it’s a few pages back but this post should be pinned at the top of every thread like this!

Oh and well done OP. How he reacts to this will be a real measure of the sort of man he is.

I'll be surprised if he doesn't start running hot and cold after he's made to house, feed and take care of his kids on his own (without your direct help). Probably start looking for someone else who'll be happy to have them all move in and 'share'.

Good for you for standing up for your DD and also for yourself and how you use the home you own. Going forwards I can see nothing but problems though, as when his kids get older it’s not going to be comfortable for them to share a room and his access time isn’t going to change, so unless you are planning to sell and get a bigger place in the future, you probably should just realise that this isn’t going to work long term as you don’t have the space to accommodate all of your children as they get older.

No, sorry. I'd hold off on the moving in. Your child's needs are non-negotiable and it is telling enough that she feels relieved when you are back at home with normality resumed. Your daughter's happiness is not at the expense of your own under any circumstances but from what I can gather, he is bringing literally nothing to the table while trying to dictate terms. If you're really not bothered about co-habiting I would simply leave things as they are.

Yesss! 💪 Boundaries. You have them! 🥳👏

This is really good to see.

His kids share at their mums and share where he currently stays

So they're used to sharing

Having him/ them move in is an adjustment for your daughter so he needs to accept she's not sharing

Don't let him move in. Keep your own space and he keeps his rented place. He has everything to gain remember!!!

Agree.

If I were to become single, I'd rather stay single than accomodate 2 more children. I had one because I can only cope with the expense, mess and noise of one!

My best friend's mum left for another man in our teens. 3 of his kids in one room, 3 of hers in another (mixed sexes) and them in the boxroom. It ruined her relationship with her mum.

Firstly - no, your daughter keeps her own bedroom in her own home. If they move in then his children share the other room. No negotiation.

Secondly - why on earth have you agreed to him living rent free at your house but only paying 50% of bills?! If you are covering 100% of housing costs, then he needs to be paying all bills and the weekly food shop too maybe. Please don’t be a doormat. And don’t say that he is going to be putting all his saved rent money into a savings fund for your future bigger house. He will live with you rent free, save up a large chunk of money and then leave you for dust.

Sorry - for some reason I thought you said they’d share a double bed!

The rest of the post still stands though - don’t move him in!

Yes exactly this

It’s actually sensible for him to not be covering any of her mortgage (including a higher share of bills in lieu of the mortgage). Doing so would make it easier for him to make a claim against her house if they split.

So pleased to see this update! Good on you for putting you and your child first and having sensible boundaries. How he responds will tell you all you need to know about whether he is a keeper. Good luck xx

I think you are correct that it’s best to stay living separately at present . If he does move in on the agreement that his 2 would share he will likely then be applying pressure to move things about and get his own way .

Keep your separate houses. End of.

He’s not moving in because he wants a family life with you, he’s moving in because his rental contract is up and he wants somewhere to live. That should tell you everything you need to know. Ditch him

This doesn’t seem the right to move in together, at least while this would be your living arrangement. You absolutely should not make your dd share her room. I’m not at all keen on the fact he’s got set ideas of how the living arrangements should be and it isn’t even his home. He’s not showing any understanding of your DD’s needs either which would concern me hugely.

I wouldn’t want him moving in, you are better off keeping living arrangements separate. He clearly has no respect for your DDs space.