To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

I don't think it's a good idea for him to move in. Firstly, because it will completely mess up your DD's routine which is so important with SN. And secondly, if your DP doesn't understand that your DD with SN needs her own room what else is he not going to understand which will make life hell for your DD.

Uuu that can end up so badly if you split, for your own sake and your DD's don't move in together or you'll end up in a studio flat and he keeps the home. Don't risk it. You can continue your relatio ship without moving in together

The free rent is not enough for him? All he has to pay is half the bills, and keep the exact same sleeping arrangements for his DC (probably in a much larger room) and that is somehow an issue for him? I think he is pushing to see how much of your life you are willing to give up for him.

DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him

They already share at his accommodation though. Think very carefully before you combine your life and finances with him. It won’t benefit your daughter and I doubt it will benefit you. Life will be rosy for him though.

I'm glad you have told him he can't move in. Seeing your update that your DD finds it hard being around his DD is another reason for them to not move in. Unless that changes when they are older you shouldn't make your DD live with them.

Sorry not RTFT but hang on, he said he doesn't want his kids to have to share a room indefinitely but his DD will still have to share a room! So is it only his son he cares about having a seperate room. Of course YANBU. I would only ever do it if the girls got on like a house on fire too and your daughter was excited about the prospect.

No I wouldn't let them move in and I certainly wouldn't be buying a 4 bed with him (assuming using your house as a deposit) until you have actually lived together either so a bit of a sticking point. :/

Well done on asserting your boundaries OP. X

I’m also really pleased to read he’s not moving in.

It also occurred to me (just as an aside) that he doesn’t think his children shouldn’t have to share at “his” (in the loosest possible sense as it’s not his house) as they share at their Mums, he thinks his SON shouldn’t have to share at yours. His Dd would still be sharing!

Oh - cross post! I promise i hadn’t read the above post first!

Well done for telling him not to move in. It sounds like the idea only came up because his circumstances changed, so it’s not as if you were longing to live together.

Well done OP. 100% the correct decision. I hope he took it on the chin and wasn't awful about it.

Unless you’re both struggling financially I don’t think either of you should be thinking about moving in together.

I don’t think your DD should share and I don’t think his DD should share.

Staying living separately and in another year or 2 then look at both buying a 4 bed and having a new home together.

bunk beds in the middle of the room and each have one half as their own side. I had this till I was 17 with my younger sister and my older sister had the box( her own)room ( gggrrr)!

Well done. What did he say?

Yabu to let this man and his kids move in at all. Full stop.

I know that it's not all about your child but this massive change will really affect her and it doesn't sound like your partner will enforce boundaries well, for example if his kids go into your DDs space. It sounds as though you have a nice set up currently and him moving in with his kids won't benefit or enhance things for you or your daughter.

Too right, stick to your guns OP! If he can't see that yours is a completely reasonable decision to make, for the good of your daughter, he's just out for what he can get and he's not a keeper. It's good you've seen this other side to him now, if he kicks up a stink about this, that tells you everything you need to know about him.

Well done OP!

This is such a classic example where you should keep your homes separate, go on dates, have fun, and once the kids are older decide if you want to move in together.

And if he doesn't want that... run a mile!

This! What does he bring to the party?!?

You seem sensible OP, hope he takes it well.

Well done, OP. Blending families is very very hard work and often not in the best interests of the children. You deserve a lot of credit for recognising this and taking action to protect your DD.

He says his dc shouldn't share at his too BUT they ARE sharing at his 2 bed flat at the moment. Why make them share? If he really cared about them sharing then he should've found or should find a 3 bed so his dc each have their own room. He's suddenly the concerned parent when it comes to your home.

I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away

Lol. He can jog on.
WTF should you pay for a bigger property that he can cocklodge live in and you provide a nice home for his kids so everyone has their own rooms??
What a dick. He's given me the rage. Why the fuck should your child give up her own room, which she needs because of her SEN, because he can't be arsed to provide a proper home for his own children?
Too right he wants to move in with you when his rental contract is up. He's a hobosexual who needs somewhere better to live than the place he's in now so falls in love with a woman and then starts pushing to move in.

No. Just no.

I'm glad you've said he isn't moving in OP. There is no need for him to move in at all.
I've said this on a few threads recently - there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for a financially stable woman with her own property, her own children, her own job, her own social life to move some random man in. Why do women do this? You do not need some bloke hanging around the place cocklodging. There are some great men, of course there are, but there's still no reason whatsoever for them to be moving in. You can have a great time going on dates, shagging, holidays etc.
It is important to protect your own financial stability and if you have children, to ensure that those children have their needs met and have a stable, happy environment for them.

Have told him that he is not moving in

You’ve done yourself a massive favour.

Moving in would benefit your DP - but I don't see how it benefits you, your DD or his own DC. I think you should take the third way - he doesn't move in.

Sorry, just read your update - well done OP! Hope he takes this well and handles it sensibly.