To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

I wouldnt move in with him at all. You've only been together for 2 years. Id protect your childs sanctuary and wouldnt put her through the stress and upheaval of it all. Personally, i don't see any benefit for you at all. You'll end up with his mess, his kids mess, doing more work for little return. If I separated with my DH id never live with another person again.

If you do decide to buy a home together in the future then make sure you protect your assets.

OP are you not reading the posts which are almost all saying the same thing. Your DD is family and blood tied and always your DD. Do not allow this man to move in. Apart from anything else, your daughter could carry the resentment for a lifetime at being treated as less important than this man and his kids.

I think you prioritise saving for a 4 bed house.
To help save in the meantime, as it’s your house and your dd has SN his dc share as you say. But only as a relatively short term arrangement.

Once you move in with a bossy man, giving up your own precious home and independence, you are putting yourself and your child at huge risk.

Your daughter likes her peace.
She thrives in that environment.

What happens if you move and 3 months in she is really struggling and starts to act out?

What will his reaction be?
What will your options be?

Who will support you as you try and comfort a child that is struggling hugely with this change you brought to her life?

I would be so wary of messing with her stability and mental health.

How will she deal with possible sensory overload of a naturally busy noisy house having gone from 2 to 5 occupants, and all the accompanying accommodations required?

Be so careful of not bitterly regretting relinquishing what you have successfully built.

It is likely she is as well as she is due to calm environment.

I was in your DD’s situation when I was a child. My DM moved her SO into our 3 bedroom home and my sister and I were forced to take turns sharing a room and our beds with his daughter, on his custody time. His daughter was badly behaved, would destroy our belongings, wet the bed every night (not because of a medical condition or special needs, but because she was too lazy to get up in the night when she had to pee) and refused to shower. Even after they married, they never got a 4 bedroom home. His parents, sisters, their boyfriends and their children also lived with us at various times.

I moved out two weeks after graduating high school and would stay with my grandparents whenever I was in town for visits. I now have a very limited relationship with my DM and no relationship with step father or his relatives.

Nope, do not let him move in at all. Even if he agrees to your terms now, when the dc get older he will put pressure on for you to give in.

Don’t move him in and don’t jeopardize your financial position, your independence (and your daughter’s future inheritance) by buying a house with him unless you’re able to also keep your own house in your sole name. This battle is never going to end, it’s not really going to work for his DD to be sharing with her brother in a few years’ time, but it’s also not going to ok with you to change your DDs living arrangements just because his children are older. If you buy a place together, in these uncertain times I would seriously consider whether it will be feasible to sell up having made a profit and go back to a mortgage in your sole name.. you’re getting sucked into a potential minefield here and there won’t be easy solutions down the road if the kids have spent X years growing up together and then things unravel. Unless he is the world’s most amazing partner I wouldn’t even entertain this. If ge is the world’s most amazing partner, he wouldn’t be asking you to do it.

How did he react to you telling him that he can't move in?

You’re doing right by your daughter by saying it will be her room and she won’t be sharing.

Even if DP agrees for his children to share the room, I’m sure at some point he will still want the girls to share, as his kids are of different genders.

If your child is relieved to go back to separate homes then why even consider moving 3 people in with you in the first place? Put your kid first, do the moving in stuff when she is nearing adulthood.

Isinglass20 are you not reading the OP's post where she informs us she has told the guy he won't be moving in?

I’m glad you stood up for your dd. What did he say to your refusal to his moving in?

Very relieved to hear you’re not allowing him to move in, OP. Now after what he’s shown of himself - putting his son way over his daughter, your daughter and yourself, and being a cocklodger in the making rather than looking for a new rental - I’d be thinking of dumping him. Only good thing I can see in his behaviour is wanting male and female children sleeping separately, but that’s not the way to go about it.

NOT being unreasonable at all. Stick to your guns on this one. I totally agree with the decision you’ve made.

@SharingARoom

Have told him that he is not moving in, he needs to understand it's not in DDs interest to move in.

That must have been tough. Hope he took your decision well, but I'd recommend still keeping your boundaries clear and strong and if, in the future, you do all move into a larger place so all the children have their own room, you ensure you ring fence your deposit and clarify the rules about the day to day practicals involved in living together. I'm sure you will. Good luck for the future. 🌹

There's no way on the planet that I'd make my only child with additional needs share her room. Even if she didn't have additional needs she needs her own space. This man has his children sharing whilst they are with him, they share at their Mum's yet he expects you to favour his son and give the unshared room to him? What a bloody cheek. I'd be telling him he can carry on renting and we can carry on dating until.he can afford to accommodate you all into a 4 bedroom house.

Your DD has an awesome mum op. 👌

My sister waited until her children were grown up before she moved her fiance in. They had been engaged for 5 years but she wouldn't move him in as she had 3dc living at home and even though they all liked him she didn't want them to feel uncomfortable in their own home. She has all girls and said often they would walk around the house in very little. She didn't want to start asking them to cover up all the time. Once the youngest was at uni she spoke to them all and asked them if they'd be ok with him moving in. They all said yes.

I was with someone like this once. I also said no which felt so hard at the time as I thought the world of him and his kids but my son just wouldn’t have coped with sharing and this man had red flags all over him with demanding how the house should be best set up to serve him - he was so furious he ended up weaselling off to move in with someone else a few months later - it’s now a full year and I am so thankful I said no.

well done saying no- you’re not being unreasonable at all and you’ve rightly put your child first. His two sharing would be reasonable and it allowed all the children to “keep their normal” - his suggestion is outrageous and to me would indicate he hasn’t much ability to empathise or understand what’s important to children - emotional bandwidth of a potato

Don't move him in. Your DD has particular needs which includes quiet, privacy and her own space. He's trying to dictate to you how you arrange your own home. Let him get a home suitable for himself and his children and when they are old enough to be off on their own lives, IF you're still together, then reconsider. But he is coming across as a CF who scents free accommodation and childcare.

Oh well done OP! How did he react?

YANBU and your DD shouldn’t share her space. Realistically it’s not the right situation for him to move in is it.. whats the future looking like, do you think you’ll get married? Is there a way you can pool your finances to afford a bigger space? I’m not sure them sharing and Dd on her own is fair either for his kids from their POV. Tbh the whole set up sounds shit for them. They’ll need their own spaces as they grow. Can he afford a bigger place? That’s what’s needed.

This ^^

Your daughter should definitely not share.

It's your house.

The two girls are not siblings.

This could cause resentment from your daughter.

You mention you will continue to pay the mortgage but split the bills 50/50. He should also be paying some rent!

Don't let him move in.
He's obviously an asshat.
You'll never get him and his kids out of your house when it all goes sideways.