To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

Completely the right thing and honestly it's refreshing to see someone drawing a few boundaries rather than getting carried away with playing happy families. Much better for your daughter and absolutely stick to your guns and do what's right for her. Honestly I would stay as you are and not move your partner and his children in. These things can be so disruptive and they don't always work out the way we imagine (speaking from painful experience!) You have your own space, a secure home and a good setup which suits you and your daughter. That is precious; protect it.
(Disclaimer: not read the rest of the thread so apologies if the conversation has moved on!)

Follow-up comment: I'm sure your partner is perfectly nice but his priority is not your daughter's wellbeing. That's natural as however much he may care about you both, he isn't her father and like you he has his own children he'll be thinking about primarily. Potentially a red flag that he's already trying to talk you round about this. Be very, very careful about getting swept along with what he wants and letting him get his feet under the table. You are in a position where you're calling the shots and I really wouldn't willingly give that up.

your DD is used to having her own space and room, the dsc are used to sharing .. I have dd7 dds11 and dds15 there’s a huge difference in noise levels mess and general activity in the house with all 3, if she has SN she will 100% need her own space to go to when she wants some time alone. Put bunk beds in middle of room and the dsc have half the room on either side. I’d probably wait until you can have a 4 bed though. They will all want own rooms soon. It seems off to me that he rented a 2 bed knowing he has 2 kids so was perfectly fine to share then .. but the rules change when it’s your house.

It certainly isnt acceptable for two children to share a bed. This isnt the 1930's. I think bunk beds could be the answer in the short term. But your DD shouldn't have to share as there will be enough changes in her life if your partner moves in.

The OP has responded numerous times to say that none of the children would be sharing a bed (and that she has asked him not to move in).

How about you suggest that he rents a two bed place.

One bedroom for his DD and one for him and his son to share.
When he has his children he stays there with them.
When his kids are at their mother's he can choose to stay at yours if it's suitable.

Please put your daughter first and do not let this man move in. It will be very disruptive and unsettling for your daughter for them to be coming and going (as you have already said). He isn't putting her needs first and won't. Her bedroom won't be sanctuary for long. At best, he rents a one or two bedroom flat for when he has them and stays with you on the days he doesn't... or better he rents his own place and you continue a relationship but he doesn't move in at all and you don't try and play happy families.

You are not being unreasonable! DD should definitely keep her own room.

Your DP's children can share the bigger room (double bed, bunk beds, whatever).

I do however think that this is a short to medium term solution.

What will you do in a few years? When his DD enters puberty, may need a quiet place to study for exams etc? And when his DS enters puberty??

A 12 (or 15...) year old girl living with an 8 (or 11...) yo boy isn't a good solution (IMO).

I would strongly encourage you to think about the long term impact of the choices you make now...

And make sure that you and your DP have a rental agreement in place.

To be honest, I don't think either of you are ready. Both of you are looking at your distinct family units and striving for what is best for your own children.

Now put your heads together and think what is best for all the children.

1. your daughter needs her space due to SEN

2. his daughter also needs her own space, she is at the age where she will be starting puberty soon and shouldn't have to share with her brother.

If the current property cannot accommodate this and you all want to move in then you need to be looking for an alternative property that accommodates you all.

If it's his fixed term tenancy coming to an end he should be able to extend this or just move onto a periodic tenancy so the situation isn't likely to be urgent.

I’d think long and hard about him moving in. It’s his responsibility to adequately house his children and yet he’s trying to take over your house to the detriment of your daughter. Having 3 extra people in the house is going to be stressful for her as it is. And what happens to your study? If he wants to move in with you surely he should be providing the capital to get something more suitable?

The op never suggested this at all. She was describing the room and said it’s got a double bed in as a way of describing the size of the room. Them sharing a bed wasn’t an option she suggested.

i meant she said it would fit a double bed in - as a way to describe the size of the room

IMO moving in together is blending the families into one, where everyone should have equal footing in what will be their "home" (regardless of who owns the bricks) and decisions made in the best interests of all the dc. I wouldn't share a home with someone else on any other standing.

Neither of you are wrong, and currently the best decision for ALL the dc is you don't move in together. You really need a 4 bed with your combined children and their needs.

Couples really don't always have to live together.

I’d be very careful and make sure that it’s on paper that his more of a lodger. Even tho his not on your mortgage if his living there and paying half of the bills he can try and claim part of the house if the two of you were to split. Obviously it’s your decision but not many are aware of this

How long have you been in the relationship?
Who suggested moving in?
Why would not pay you rent?
How well do your children get on?
How much interaction have they had?

This looks like a recipe for disaster. Why is he moving in? I can only see a benefit for him and his children. What exactly are you getting from this arrangement? While he and his children have a lot to gain from the security of your position, I only see risk for you.
Under these circumstances, there is no way I'd be blending this family.

Absolutely agree with not moving him in. You need to put your child first. Nothing from your posts shows a win-win situation for you. He's getting all the advantages. Why should you be responsible for giving his kids their own rooms, if he can't provide that for them himself. Hes trying to dictate terms around your house - its not an equal relationship. Too many red flags.

Glad you've come to your senses.

Red flags GALORE

I'm not even sure why you're with him tbh. It's not supposed to be this much 'drama'

Really feel for your daughter tbh. I would personally stop dating and put your daughter first for the rest of her short childhood.

I completely agree with this. Also, his logic about them having to share at their Mums so they shouldn't have to share at your place doesn't even work as his DD has to share either way. I wouldn't make my DD share either and she doesn't have SN.

Absolutely not

It's your dd own safe space

Glad you agree

His kids can share a bedroom like they do with him

Well there's going to be a point where his 2 DC won't be able to share, what's the plan for then? I would suggest buying a 4 bed house instead. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but obviously the planned set up isn't going to work, is it?

What happens in 2/3 years when his daughter doesn’t want to share with her little brother anymore?

I assume it was his idea he moves in? He gets a great deal out of this!

He is a blagger. Don't move him in.

YANBU.

This is your DDs primary home - and as you say - she has additional needs. But ultimately, your house - your rules. And if your rule is that DD has her own room, that's how it is.
The very obvious solution is for the spare room/office to be made into a bedroom. And while mixed-gender sharing isn't ideal, again "your house, your rules."
If that doesn't work for DP, there's another very obvious solution, he puts the best interests of his kids first, and doesn't move in. You're not saying never, but for the time being, in this current house, this is the arrangement.

Personally, I'd be thinking about the viability of the relationship moving forward. Not that he's done anything wrong - the request isn't wrong to make - but there is such a thing as "right person, wrong time". And maybe, it just isn't the right time with where the two of you are in your lives.

It's your house. Tell him he can't move in unless his kids share. And he pays you rent.

Plus you are losing your office to his kids.

He's not your husband? He's a boyfriend/partner?

I'd think very carefully about your next moves with this person.
If he's not respecting your boundaries, and rather than solve the issue himself just trying to guilt you into doing what he wants, do you really want to be with him? Is it really a good idea he moves in?

They're his kids.
If its critical they have separate rooms HE should be the one paying and facilitating that.
Not you. Not at your expense and your daughters.

He's so already lucky that he's going to move in rent free. And you're accepting his kids into your home.

Be careful about legal rights and finances and his ability to claim ownership to part of your home if you break up.