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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

418 replies

SharingARoom · 06/06/2023 11:48

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

OP posts:
TangledUpinBlu · 06/06/2023 21:11

If you’re not even bothered about living with him why bother?
Even if you lived in a mansion with an en-suite each, what would be in it for you?
More mess, more stress, more expense.
Blending families is hard, I’ve done it once before and honestly would not recommend it, if anything kids who live with you all time would make it easier, in this case you will be trying to parent two young kids who are living by different rules and values for half of their lives and there is nothing you can do about it but it will affect your daughter.
There’s nothing in this for any of the kids least of all your daughter.
Also you’ve not been together long enough.
Why not just date?
Ive been with my partner for nearly two years and we will not even think about living together until our teenagers have left home.
We would both love to spend more time together but at this stage of our lives our kids come first, we’re fully committed so don’t see the need to rush into anything that could create more stress or upset any of the kids.

SaltyCrisps · 06/06/2023 21:14

Good for you for standing up for your daughter, OP.

It's a bit concerning that he's trying to be so controlling before he has even moved in 😳 I'd think long and hard about his attitude towards this before deciding that it's a good idea for you to live with him.

SkyandSurf · 06/06/2023 21:32

The audacity of him expecting you to provide his son with his own bedroom, when he hasn't even done that himself.

If he's renting then he's the one with flexibility in relation to his housing. He can move into a three bedroom flat and fund it himself.

What else will he expect you (but not himself) to provide for his children (in addition to a rent free home)? Holiday care? After school care? Home cooked meals? Will he be explaining to you every step of the way what is 'fair' for his children?

Just date him for now, why the rush to move in? It seems to only benefit him, not you or your DD.

bluegreygreen · 06/06/2023 22:35

OP, your primary responsibility is towards your daughter.

In what way would this plan to join families in one house benefit her? It seems to me that there would be several disadvantages even if she were able to keep her room.

Saracen · 06/06/2023 23:50

Haven't RTFT. I say, don't let any of them move in, regardless of sleeping arrangements.

Your daughter's special needs are such that she gets stressed and needs a sanctuary even now, when she lives with just her mum. What are her stress levels going to be like when an additional adult and two children are in her home?? Through the roof, I would guess, even if she does keep her bedroom.

"I'm not bothered about living with him" so why do it?

TheWebWeWeave · 06/06/2023 23:56

It's a lot easier to move him in, then move him out OP, don't get yourself into a situation you have to crawl out of, once he's got his feet under the table you'll be stuck with him and his children
I love it just me and my children, our own routine and space, why go and ruin it ?
You've got years down the line to share a home, what's the rush?

shona92 · 07/06/2023 01:52

YANBU. But you be TA if you allow this to happen. Put your daughter first, now and always. He should find another living situation and provide the space his children need.

Catsmere · 07/06/2023 03:30

Definitely third option, DP doesn’t move in.

Stopthatknocking · 07/06/2023 04:51

So he doesn't think his dc should share, because they have to at their mums house?
But his dd would have to share with your dd anyway.
So it's only his ds who would benefit.

So what he means is your dd should lose her bedroom so the male can have his own, at your monetary expense and your dds emotional expense.

What a load of bollocks.

Don't let him move in.

Catsmere · 07/06/2023 04:54

Stopthatknocking · 07/06/2023 04:51

So he doesn't think his dc should share, because they have to at their mums house?
But his dd would have to share with your dd anyway.
So it's only his ds who would benefit.

So what he means is your dd should lose her bedroom so the male can have his own, at your monetary expense and your dds emotional expense.

What a load of bollocks.

Don't let him move in.

This, 100%.

Sunflowergirl1 · 07/06/2023 05:01

I really would not allow them to move in. It really is inviting grief especially if it also forces you to move house. If you move, can you afford to not have him on the mortgage and deeds as if the relationship fails, then you have all that to 7 pick with the unbalancing and upset for you both. Keep the status quo.

Sounds like this is being driven more by his rental ending

OooYoureHard · 07/06/2023 06:33

Who the fuck does he think he is? Why do women keep putting up with this shit? Fucking BIN him!

Singleandproud · 07/06/2023 06:38

I wouldnt move him in at all. In 10 years the DDs will be 18 and I'd reevaluate then, 10 years isn't such a long time for an adult.

When my DD had her autism assessment the Ed psych made the point that it was very likely that DD had coped so well for so long because she was an only child (she got diagnosed at 13 after starting High School). She said that because it was just the two of us our home was likely quiet and calm and our life and natural routine was perfectly set up for DD but had she had unpredictable, noisy siblings to contend with it would be a different story. So although you don't say what your DDs condition is I would refuse to move him in for that reason alone.

Testino · 07/06/2023 06:51

Well everyone has already said what I want to say. I'm now waiting for the OP to give us update on how it goes when the potential cocklodger partner knows for a fact that he has to cough up money for his dc's living arrangement on his own without putting your daughter in misery.

His rent is running out; he better get to renewing or finding a new rental property for his dc and himself to live in. It's not your daughter's business and she shouldn't be made to sacrifice for it.

jeaux90 · 07/06/2023 06:53

Singleandproud · 07/06/2023 06:38

I wouldnt move him in at all. In 10 years the DDs will be 18 and I'd reevaluate then, 10 years isn't such a long time for an adult.

When my DD had her autism assessment the Ed psych made the point that it was very likely that DD had coped so well for so long because she was an only child (she got diagnosed at 13 after starting High School). She said that because it was just the two of us our home was likely quiet and calm and our life and natural routine was perfectly set up for DD but had she had unpredictable, noisy siblings to contend with it would be a different story. So although you don't say what your DDs condition is I would refuse to move him in for that reason alone.

This. My partner and I have waited 6 years and won't be moving in together until next year when his son is at Uni and we can buy a much bigger house together so the kids can have more space from each other when he is home.

My Dd14 has adhd and ASD and spend a lot of time masking at school, her home is her quiet space.

You need to put your DD first, I wouldn't be moving in together at all yet. And certainly would not be giving up her private space for someone I'd only been with a couple of years. Nope.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/06/2023 06:56

No-I would not move him in.

MRex · 07/06/2023 06:57

He is uninterested in your child's comfort and happiness. I'm not sure this is the right bloke to bring into her life. If he wants his kids to have their own rooms then he needs to pull his finger out and work to pay for the lifestyle he expects, rather than expect to leech off you.

JaneDSE9 · 07/06/2023 07:05

I have a friend who had a house with a really low mortgage with her 2 children who met a new man after being single for a number of years. She had another baby and was persuaded to buy a bigger house which she had to pay for as he wasn't working (stay at home Dad). They got into financial difficulties, split up and had to sell the house and now she has to rent and lost everything so be careful.

Justleaveitblankthen · 07/06/2023 07:37

Ragwort · 06/06/2023 11:57

Do not move him in. It's well known that single Dads often seek single mums to move in cocklodge with. He's probably looking for someone to help raise his kids, provide housekeeping, cooking, cleaning and sexual services. What's in it for you? Hmm

This.
It jumped out to me loud and clear.
Why do you need to live together anyway?
Is he being pushy or is it genuinely a joint decision?

Gh12345 · 07/06/2023 07:53

In agreement with you. I think that it’s actually better for his kids too as well as your own. You’re blending families and will take some getting used to and so I wouldn’t make your dd share unless she wanted to

DreamItDoIt · 07/06/2023 08:00

What are the advantages of him moving in with you OP?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/06/2023 08:00

Yanbu op, and we'll done for putting boundaries in place. You said your spare is an office, do you wfh?

thespy · 07/06/2023 08:37

Make sure you have it writing he's not entitled to any of the value of the house and his contributions to the household are not towards the mortgage or he could be entitled to share in any increase in equity from when he moves in. Whatever you do you should speak to a solicitor before he moves in.

And I wouldn't want to make my DD move out of her room as it's probably disruptive / change enough to have two new kids and a man move in to the house & a decision she really has little control over. I think the transition would be far easier without that. Tbh it's your DP's responsibility to adequately house his DC - are you sure he's not a cocklodger CF?

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 07/06/2023 12:06

I’d definitely advise against having him and his dc move in. Your home is your dds safe space away from school, peers. Having 3 extra people in that space wouldn’t be good for her even if you put your foot down and she keeps her own room.

Original poster
SharingARoom · 07/06/2023 17:41

Have told him that he is not moving in, he needs to understand it's not in DDs interest to move in.

I get that he doesn't want his two sharing a room indefinitely, but thats also not my problem.

The DCs get on well, but my DD is always relieved when we go back to our seperate homes, she actually gets on better with the 4yo than the 8yo though so I think if he does move in DD needs space away from his DCs so that'll be when we can afford a 4 bed instead.

OP posts: