To break up with partner of 6 years because he hasn't proposed?

[Timelles]

Met my DP 6 years ago, we moved in together after a year and started trying for a family. From the start we both agreed we wanted marriage and children.

One of my younger siblings met their now husband at the same time I met my partner. They have since married and have a child together.

My youngest sibling announced their engagement to their partner of 2 years over the weekend and whilst I am thrilled for them I am bereft for myself.

Children doesn't look to be happening for us, 6 months ago our last IVF round failed and it was incredibly traumatic. The clinic told us it was almost impossible that we would conceive using my eggs. I think in the back of my mind I had hoped he would have proposed so that we have our wedding to focus on to help ease the grief of knowing I will probably never have my own biological children.

I have asked my DP whether he is stringing me along and he insists that he does plan to ask me to marry him and get married but says that I put too much pressure on him asking whether he will propose.

I feel like too much time has passed now and actually feel resentful that he hasn't proposed yet.

Please be kind, I am very emotional and confused. I love him with all my heart but I hate being in limbo like this. I want something to look forward to because at the moment life seems pretty pointless.

You've been together for 6 years and are obviously committed to mine another enough to be looking at having a child together.

Could you not just decide you both want to get married and just plan it, rather than their needing to be a proposal - removing that but may ease any perceived pressure he says he feels.

Or is he not wanting to start planning any form of wedding either?

What age are you OP?

im so sorry your IVF hasn’t worked - that must be really tough.

does your partner feel like marriage is important?

There's no way I could jsut sit and wait. It's so odd to me that this is still what women do in this day and age. If you want to get married, talk about it. Plan it. This isn't the 1800s.

I'm sorry to hear about your fertility struggles, I can only imagine the strain that puts on you and the relationship.

Rather than waiting around for him to propose, I think it's time for a grown-up discussion about your future as a couple to work out whether you both want the same things and whether that includes marriage. Before having that discussion, you should decide for yourself whether it's a deal-breaker for you.

Good luck

He isn't going to propose. I'm sorry. You will watch everyone around you get married and thst feeling will only get worse. He will string you along for 40 odd years before he has a heart attack and you aren't entitled to any of his pension or life insurance. I see it time and time again in my work and its heart breaking for the women.

I did suggest that last year but I may have chosen the wrong moment as he was in hospital at the time on lots of painkillers. He often jokes about the timing of that suggestion. I think it's probably worth suggesting it again, so I will speak to him tonight. Thank you.

I don't know your age OP, but 6 years is a long time to wait. If he wants to marry you what exactly is stopping him? Could he be waiting to see if IVF works? Could you propose to him? A wedding can take a while to plan and even if you proposed today you would be lucky to get a Saturday summer reception venue until the summer of 2025. I know not everyone wants to marry on a Saturday or in the summer but the majority do. I'm an impatient person so waiting longer than 2 years would stress me out and put me off him tbh.

I'm 36.

Yes marriage is important to him. The reason he left his relationship before me is because he knew he wanted marriage and children and they weren't on the same page.

Thank you for your kindness

6 years is enough time to know whether you want to commit to someone. I let my DH when things started to become serious that if he wanted to to the 'traditional' thing and propose to me then I wouldn't wait beyond 3 years and let him know I was fully prepared to move on after that deadline. He knows you want to get married, you have been together six years, he either needs to set a date or be honest and tell you he doesn't want to get married and let you make an informed decision about whether you want to stay with him.

I think I lack a bit of confidence so him proposing to me would show me that he does want it and I'm not "steam rollering" him into anything. Also I'm never sure how it works when the woman proposes, do I buy myself the ring?

I'm in the same position as you. A lot of our friends who got together a lot later than us are either engaged or already married and every engagment (they keep happening recently!) is really getting to me.

Like your partner he does intend to do it but there's always been an excuse. We recently carried out a large renovation so money has been tight which I understand but I'm not a jewellery person so expensive jewellery really doesn't bother me as I couldn't tell the difference between a £100 ring to a £10,000 ring!

I really thought he'd propose on our recently holiday but that didn't happen and it really upset me, I've got to the point where I feel it's a sympathy engagement now and he's only doing it because I want him to.

I have told him if it isn't soon I will be changing my name by deed poll (we have one DC together) and I'll be leaving as I wish to be married one day and if he doesn't that's on him.

Sorry I can't give you advice but I know exactly how you feel and it really does upset me.

You don't need to get down on one knee OP, maybe have a look at a venue you like or the registery office and tell him that they have availability for X date, shall we book it?

36 isn’t old in the grand scheme of things (I’m 38) but I completely under where you’re coming from.

I suppose you need to have a very Frank conversation. Good luck OP X

Don't worry, he will likely outlive me. I'm not wanting to marry him so I can get a share of any pension or life insurance. I want to marry him because I love him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, caring and he has been of incredible support during very difficult times.

How long have you been married?

I sounds like there are separate things at play. One is your desire to get married. The other is your desire for your huband to show you he loves you.

The first, if important to you, can be separated from the second. You don't need to propose, you can just talk about marriage purposely and seriously. Don't ask when is he going to propose/ is he stringing you alone. Start the conversation saying you want to get married, figure out if he is on the same page and then agree what to do. Same as you'd do with any other major relationship decision. This is what DH and I did. He then said he would like to propose, so we chose a ring together and he chose a time to propose "officially". But we had already agreed we were going to get married, a loose time frame and an idea of where.

Re the romantic gesture, two things to consider (1) telling your DH how you feel and (2) accepting that your DH can't just guess what you need and not all people are naturally romantically inclined.

Thank you for your post, it's nice to know my feelings are shared whether others see them as valid or not. I think if the IVF had been successful then marriage would have slipped down the list of priorities but alas, we are where we are.

Yes, I think you are right. Thank you for such an thoughtful and considered reply. I will speak with him tonight.

There was an interesting thread last week about why proposals are still a thing. I mentioned on there this exact situation, I don't understand why a couple will discuss marriage but then the woman waits around for a proposal for it to then happen.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4817420-why-are-marriage-proposals-still-a-thing?page=1

Either he wants to marry you or not. Discuss when you're going to get married and set the date. If he really wants to propose before the wedding day then he can.

I can't stand all this romantic wank about proposals, if you think being married is a good idea then suggest it to him. Don't worry about the Disney Princess shit.

Being married is primarily about the legal status of your assets, you should make the decision whether to marry with open eyes about how being married or unmarried will impact things.

It's not money-grabbing to get married due to pensions and life insurance, a partner dying (sad but it happens) can wreck your life financially as well as in personal terms. But I think you can be a beneficiary of those things even without being married. Marriage does make a big difference to the amount you can inherit without paying inheritance tax - if you own a property together this can be the difference between selling your house and being able to stay in it.

Marriage is also important if you need power of attorney re treatment if one of you is sick. Or if your house is in his name only. There are threads on here about unmarried women where things go tits up and they're left with nothing, man keeps house and pension and the woman has been either not working or in job with poor prospects so they can do domestic work.

If he doesn't want to get married and you decide to stay together anyway, you should have a plan for what to do if the relationship breaks down.

He wants children OP, and he can’t have them with you. Do you think this might be a factor in why he hasn’t proposed yet?

Not trying to be unkind, but have seen this happen a few times with friends, where their partners ultimately move on and have children with someone else.

I don’t want to be that person but… you mention his last relationship didn’t work because he wanted marriage and children.

Is he ok with not having children? Or are you looking at say egg donors? Because it could be that be that having a child is just that important to him.

I would say forget about a proposal snd have a proper, equal discussion about whether getting married is actually on the cards and if so when.

I thought this too - are you considering egg doners? Perhaps he can’t consider marriage if he knows you both won’t go to the same extent to have children and that’s a priority for him.

Agree with PP about separating your low confidence from this issue.

I used to have very low self esteem, and I felt that my then partner's reluctance to get married was because he didn't want me. I ended up pressuring him into it probably before he was ready, I am now divorced. He never really wanted to marry me, and whilst he should have put his big boy trouser on and spelled that out, I was also complicit as I ignored all the clues.

I am now in another very loving relationship, and I don't mind if we ever get married. i realise now that marriage is not what I need to feel secure, it's by being with a partner who makes me feel safe and loved and secure.

Now that's not to say you should shelve marriage if that's what you really want- but just that if it's to make you feel more "secure" then that's a crock I'm afraid.

You need to have a really frank convo with your DP about all of this- aside from anything else, if you're unable to lay your soul bare then you shouldn't be getting married to this person anyway. But tell him how you're feeling, see if he's stalling because he doesn't want to get married full stop or because he doesn't want to get married to you. You mention that's why his last relationship ended, but people change.

I hope you get the outcome you're after. Good luck.

I'm so sorry that IVF didn't work for you

I'll say what I always say on these threads (and they do come up often) -

(1) I would have liked a romantic / special proposal, didn't get it. I understand why that is important to you
(2) After 6 years together, he knows whether he wants to marry you
(3) I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't think themselves the luckiest man alive to have me in their life
(4) No one should get married unless they want to
(5) I'm not a fan of ultimatums, so I wouldn't recommend "propose or I'm leaving"
(6) But, you shouldn't waste your life waiting for something if it's not going to happen. So, entirely reasonable to say "I love you and would happily marry you. I'm starting to wonder whether you see me in that way. If you don't, then it might be better for both of us to move on". And mean it. Take control of your own destiny