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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with partner of 6 years because he hasn't proposed?

145 replies

Timelles · 05/06/2023 10:42

Met my DP 6 years ago, we moved in together after a year and started trying for a family. From the start we both agreed we wanted marriage and children.

One of my younger siblings met their now husband at the same time I met my partner. They have since married and have a child together.

My youngest sibling announced their engagement to their partner of 2 years over the weekend and whilst I am thrilled for them I am bereft for myself.

Children doesn't look to be happening for us, 6 months ago our last IVF round failed and it was incredibly traumatic. The clinic told us it was almost impossible that we would conceive using my eggs. I think in the back of my mind I had hoped he would have proposed so that we have our wedding to focus on to help ease the grief of knowing I will probably never have my own biological children.

I have asked my DP whether he is stringing me along and he insists that he does plan to ask me to marry him and get married but says that I put too much pressure on him asking whether he will propose.

I feel like too much time has passed now and actually feel resentful that he hasn't proposed yet.

Please be kind, I am very emotional and confused. I love him with all my heart but I hate being in limbo like this. I want something to look forward to because at the moment life seems pretty pointless.

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 05/06/2023 11:15

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 11:11

I don’t want to be that person but… you mention his last relationship didn’t work because he wanted marriage and children.

Is he ok with not having children? Or are you looking at say egg donors? Because it could be that be that having a child is just that important to him.

Very gently OP because I know you’re fragile but I do think this is a hard conversation you need to have with him

i can’t have children so had to have that conversation with my DH. Fortunately for me, he wasn’t & isn’t bothered about not having children but some men

you do need to know what his plans are if you can’t actually have children x I’m so sorry - it’s an incredibly difficult situation

ChrisTrepidation · 05/06/2023 11:17

I'm so sorry for your infertility struggles. I have twins through an ED and I know how painful the journey can be.

Saying he left his last partner because Be didn't want marriage/children and then not even proposing to you makes no sense. I hate to sound cruel but is he waiting to see if you can provide him with a child before committing to you? I know that's sounds brutal but men can be ruthless in these thought processes. They just won't ever admit it to you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/06/2023 11:17

Timelles · 05/06/2023 11:00

Don't worry, he will likely outlive me. I'm not wanting to marry him so I can get a share of any pension or life insurance. I want to marry him because I love him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, caring and he has been of incredible support during very difficult times.

How long have you been married?

Show quote history

OP, just read out what you have just written to him. Then ask him to marry you.

if he turns you down after that statement, he has a heart of stone, and someone else will love and deserve you.

andymary · 05/06/2023 11:18

I have asked my DP whether he is stringing me along and he insists that he does plan to ask me to marry him and get married but says that I put too much pressure on him asking whether he will propose.

Maybe it's all very innocent and he's simply waiting for you to forget about marriage for a little while, so he can actually surprise you with a proposal?
He may not want to feel like he's being pushed into asking you, and wants to ask you not because he feels forced to but out of his own free will, in his own way, to actually mean it more.

ChrisTrepidation · 05/06/2023 11:19

And please please don't go proposing to him. You are fragile enough without having to deal with the potential back fire. If a man wants to propose to you he will. It really is that simple.

Franseen · 05/06/2023 11:20

Sorry for your IVF OP.

I agree with PPs that if he wants marriage and children, it may be the potential lack of children that’s putting him off. Are donor eggs or adoption are on the cards?

neilyoungismyhero · 05/06/2023 11:22

We didn't have a big fancy 2nd wedding. We just booked the Registry Office had 2 friends to be witnesses and went off for a weekend in Dorset. We didn't feel the need for anything more, we wanted to be married so we did and it was lovely. In my opinion someone who prevaricates like this especially after telling you he wanted marriage and children doesn't sound overkeen.

CremeEggThief · 05/06/2023 11:22

I don't understand why you haven't proposed to him if it's this important to you? Why not?

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 11:25

Whatevs99 · 05/06/2023 11:11

He wants children OP, and he can’t have them with you. Do you think this might be a factor in why he hasn’t proposed yet?

Not trying to be unkind, but have seen this happen a few times with friends, where their partners ultimately move on and have children with someone else.

Truthfully, no I don't think it is. I did fear the same when we first found out and he said that he wants us to have a family together. For him it doesn't matter if the child / children are biologically mine, his or genetically related to two different people. I am the one that is struggling to come to terms with the lack of genetic link but i think it's because it is still very raw and I am struggling to grieve that genetic loss.

OP posts:
TheCheeseTray · 05/06/2023 11:27

EvelynKatie · 05/06/2023 11:07

There was an interesting thread last week about why proposals are still a thing. I mentioned on there this exact situation, I don't understand why a couple will discuss marriage but then the woman waits around for a proposal for it to then happen.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4817420-why-are-marriage-proposals-still-a-thing?page=1

Either he wants to marry you or not. Discuss when you're going to get married and set the date. If he really wants to propose before the wedding day then he can.

This - it’s sexist and outdated.

just talk and book it - no proposal needed

drpet49 · 05/06/2023 11:28

Natty13 · 05/06/2023 10:48

He isn't going to propose. I'm sorry. You will watch everyone around you get married and thst feeling will only get worse. He will string you along for 40 odd years before he has a heart attack and you aren't entitled to any of his pension or life insurance. I see it time and time again in my work and its heart breaking for the women.

My good friends got engaged after 18 years together. Had a child after they got married. So it does happen.

MenoRageisReal · 05/06/2023 11:29

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 11:11

I don’t want to be that person but… you mention his last relationship didn’t work because he wanted marriage and children.

Is he ok with not having children? Or are you looking at say egg donors? Because it could be that be that having a child is just that important to him.

Yes my thoughts too reading the OP post. It's a horrible thought but could he be stalling on marriage to see if kids are possible at all, but if not then he's planning to move on to someone he can have a family with. Hate to say it, but I think you need to consider this is a possibility.

TonTonMacoute · 05/06/2023 11:29

Men are absolutely terrible at taking hints. If you want to marry him then you have to have a proper discussion about it and make it clear to him that’s important to you.

After that it’s up to him, but at least he can’t say he didn’t realise it’s what you wanted.

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 11:29

His actions don’t match his words tho op.

He wants marriage but hasn’t proposed in six years and says your putting too much pressure on him.

I wouldn’t be booking a date or anything for a man who was clearly so meh about marrying me.

EvelynKatie · 05/06/2023 11:31

TonTonMacoute · 05/06/2023 11:29

Men are absolutely terrible at taking hints. If you want to marry him then you have to have a proper discussion about it and make it clear to him that’s important to you.

After that it’s up to him, but at least he can’t say he didn’t realise it’s what you wanted.

It's really not up to him. They should have the discussion, and plan to set the date of getting married. None of this waiting around for him to decide when that gets to happen and stringing OP along.

Maireas · 05/06/2023 11:31

Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 10:46

There's no way I could jsut sit and wait. It's so odd to me that this is still what women do in this day and age. If you want to get married, talk about it. Plan it. This isn't the 1800s.

This

NeedToChangeName · 05/06/2023 11:31

ChrisTrepidation · 05/06/2023 11:19

And please please don't go proposing to him. You are fragile enough without having to deal with the potential back fire. If a man wants to propose to you he will. It really is that simple.

@ChrisTrepidation They've been together 6 years. OP could wait years for a proposal that never comes. If marriage isn't on the table, surely she'd be better off to know that sooner rather than later (however upsetting that might be)

WimpoleHat · 05/06/2023 11:31

he insists that he does plan to ask me to marry him and get married but says that I put too much pressure on him asking whether he will propose.

This is horrible, though. He knows you want it and is deliberately withholding it for you. Surely if you both want to get married, you just move forward together on that basis?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 05/06/2023 11:33

We had had lots of conversations about wanting to be married over the years, then one day had a conversation about where and how we'd like to get married and decided to just book it. A few weeks later he did give me a ring, but there was never a proposal from either of us.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 05/06/2023 11:34

If you’re sure the children thing isn’t the issue OP then you have to decide what matters more to you - actually being married or having a proposal

if you want to be married to him then have a conversation with him and don’t let him fob you off with “I wanted to propose & now you’re being pushy & so you have to wait” that’s just rubbish! Be clear how important marriage is to you and that you want to discuss it like adults. If he still won’t then I’m afraid you have your answer xxx

Maireas · 05/06/2023 11:34

It's very manipulative of him, and somewhat cruel.
I don't understand why the decision for marriage is in the gift of the man. Surely as a couple you discuss plans, decide on marriage and go ahead?
Time and again we get these threads where a man won't propose and I don't get it.

Susuwatariandkodama · 05/06/2023 11:36

Why wait for a proposal? If you both want to get married then skip the engagement period and just get married.

EvelynKatie · 05/06/2023 11:36

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 05/06/2023 11:33

We had had lots of conversations about wanting to be married over the years, then one day had a conversation about where and how we'd like to get married and decided to just book it. A few weeks later he did give me a ring, but there was never a proposal from either of us.

Exactly the way to do it.

Maireas · 05/06/2023 11:37

Susuwatariandkodama · 05/06/2023 11:36

Why wait for a proposal? If you both want to get married then skip the engagement period and just get married.

I agree. It's just so pointless, and upsetting the OP.

HairyKitty · 05/06/2023 11:37

I don’t know, I’m getting a controlling, manipulating vibe about him from your first post @Timelles . The fact is, after 6 years, he either does or does not want to get married. It’s not ok to be playing games and stringing you on