To break up with partner of 6 years because he hasn't proposed?

[Timelles]

Met my DP 6 years ago, we moved in together after a year and started trying for a family. From the start we both agreed we wanted marriage and children.

One of my younger siblings met their now husband at the same time I met my partner. They have since married and have a child together.

My youngest sibling announced their engagement to their partner of 2 years over the weekend and whilst I am thrilled for them I am bereft for myself.

Children doesn't look to be happening for us, 6 months ago our last IVF round failed and it was incredibly traumatic. The clinic told us it was almost impossible that we would conceive using my eggs. I think in the back of my mind I had hoped he would have proposed so that we have our wedding to focus on to help ease the grief of knowing I will probably never have my own biological children.

I have asked my DP whether he is stringing me along and he insists that he does plan to ask me to marry him and get married but says that I put too much pressure on him asking whether he will propose.

I feel like too much time has passed now and actually feel resentful that he hasn't proposed yet.

Please be kind, I am very emotional and confused. I love him with all my heart but I hate being in limbo like this. I want something to look forward to because at the moment life seems pretty pointless.

We got married after 10 years, only then it felt like the right time. Don’t compare to others, there’s no right or wrong. But you do need to discuss if you could be married / together without kids. We discussed this before getting married

Six years is far too long anywhere after late twenties. One to two years tops. He doesn’t want to get married op. Bin him off

Ridiculous comment. All the couples I know who got married quickly are now divorced.

It's not the length of time.
It's the fact that it's his decision.
Anyway, the OP is going to talk to him, so I hope it works out.

This ^

You could always ask him?

This is a great post. I agree with all of it, especially no. 3.

Not quite the topic but I can strongly recommend looking abroad for ED.

I went to Greece. Much cheaper than the UK and the care was fantastic.

Indeed. I'm 64 and find it staggering that young women today wait for a "proposal". Ask him yourself!

Also ridiculous comment.

I think women of our generation thought that a man proposing was old fashioned. Marriage should not be the man's decision. It was more commonplace to discuss and agree, even if a ring was given. It seems strange that 40+ years on, things have reverted. Regressed even, going by many of these threads.

@Mari9999 *@HoppingPavlova ,
You say that he ended last relationship because he wanted marriage and children.

Is it possible that his outlook had changed? He does not seem to be rushing towards those goals anymore. Six years is a long time to have waited for something that was significant enough to have ended his previous relationship.

Maybe he is content with your current relationship status. it may be that he feels no pressing need to make any changes. Are you prepared to live with that position?*

NFI what you are on about. #not my DH

I think he's waiting to see if children happen and is keeping his options open to meet someone who can give him children. Sorry I know that's harsh but I think it's how he feels.

It sounds like you're going through an incredibly difficult time right now, he most likely is suffering too and it sounds like you're both coasting along on a wave of uncertainty about the IVF not working.

The only advice I would have is before you rush in to discuss this with him tonight, please think about the reason behind why it's so important to you right now suddenly? With kindness, I'd hazard a guess that you're looking for something to 'fix' that you CAN have some control over, and I think your sibling announcing a proposal this weekend has bought it home to you to give that sense of urgency when really you say you love him and he loves you, you're obviously feeling like you don't have a strong connection at the moment and you have a basic need to re-connect, but it's not really the right reason for someone to commit to marriage, you need it to be because he loves you and wants a future with you, not because he feels he has to.

I don't think you should really be 'waiting' for a proposal though either, to me it's such an antiquated notion that anyone in a relationship should have to wait for their partner to decide if they're ready or not, when really it should be a mutual decision as is everything else you do in your life and relationship. I think you need to have a good chat with your partner about both your visions for the future and try to come to a resolution as to what you both want out of your relationship going forward, he does need to be honest with you as to whether he wants marriage or not and if he does he shouldn't have a problem putting a timeframe in place to give you both something positive to focus on.

I agree with all this 'ask him yourself' in theory. It's 2023 and waiting for a proposal is kind of outdated and in truth a little bit sexist - same as being 'given away' by one man to another.

However in mentioning it several times the OP has kind of already asked him. She's made it clear it's important to her. She's told him she wants him to propose. Is this not the same as asking, really? In not asking, not organizing, not planning, he's also made his position clear. No response is still a response I think in this case, sadly. Too many men will just wait around on the fence not being 100% sure, wasting the woman's time. It happens time and time again.

OP you can lay your cards on the table and possibly successfully force his hand but (gently) bare in mind that you deserve someone who is absolutely 100% sure about spending their life with you. He's had 6 years to decide this & he is on the fence. Sorry you're going through this x

You don't have to be married to be named the beneficiary of life insurance.

Did you see my post about him not being phased on whether our children are biologically related to us?

But he also told you he wants marriage and his actions say those words are meaningless right now.

why would his words about non biological children be anymore true than his wanting to get married to you but not actually doing it?

It’s easy for anyone to agree to a finger in the air hypothetical situation in the moment. Actually doing it, is something different.

I think us being on the egg donor list waiting for a donor to become available backs up his words but I suppose you never really know.

Backs up him wanting a biological child, unless you’re also using donor sperm.

what’s the waiting list times like.

I would sit him down and have an honest conversation

If he really wants to get married then it's easy to arrange

I hope everything works out for you

Has this got anything to do with the house being in his name only?

From a man's perspective... (awaiting crucifixion)

• It's entirely possible to have a desire to get married, but still not be certain enough to actually go through with it. You're waiting to be totally sure that it's the right choice, as divorce can get messy and expensive. Men (on the whole) tend to be more pragmatic and less romantic about the concept.
• I'd also say a number of men get married primarily because their partner really wants it, and they just want a quiet life. They aren't really too fussed one way or the other.
• There is still a lot of societal pressure on men to buy the perfect ring, create the perfect proposal, have the perfect wedding etc. Many women still believe in and want that whole "Disney" experience because of movies, Instagram and what have you. Many fathers also do still expect to be asked for their daughter's hand in marriage. It perpetuates a lot of anxiety, and if you're already not totally certain it's enough to make you want to put it on the back burner.
• Women tend to desire getting married younger (and therefore sooner) because of biological imperatives, maybe even because how they'll look in the photos. Men don't really have the same concerns.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I can only say that often it's deeds and not words you need to look at, and if he knows you want this and still hasn't proposed then you need to have an honest conversation.
First, I know of several people who had successful IVF pregnancies with donor eggs - in all the situations the women were a fair bit older than you.
My DH wasn't bothered about marriage but proposed because he knew that it was important to me. I wanted marriage first, then kids after, which is what we did. Now we have kids, he's happier than we are married as it happens. He proposed after we'd been together for two years. I was 33 and he was 31 just to give context.
Good luck.

This is very much my thought