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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with partner of 6 years because he hasn't proposed?

145 replies

Timelles · 05/06/2023 10:42

Met my DP 6 years ago, we moved in together after a year and started trying for a family. From the start we both agreed we wanted marriage and children.

One of my younger siblings met their now husband at the same time I met my partner. They have since married and have a child together.

My youngest sibling announced their engagement to their partner of 2 years over the weekend and whilst I am thrilled for them I am bereft for myself.

Children doesn't look to be happening for us, 6 months ago our last IVF round failed and it was incredibly traumatic. The clinic told us it was almost impossible that we would conceive using my eggs. I think in the back of my mind I had hoped he would have proposed so that we have our wedding to focus on to help ease the grief of knowing I will probably never have my own biological children.

I have asked my DP whether he is stringing me along and he insists that he does plan to ask me to marry him and get married but says that I put too much pressure on him asking whether he will propose.

I feel like too much time has passed now and actually feel resentful that he hasn't proposed yet.

Please be kind, I am very emotional and confused. I love him with all my heart but I hate being in limbo like this. I want something to look forward to because at the moment life seems pretty pointless.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 05/06/2023 11:37

I voted YABU because we live in a day and age where genders have equal rights, so YABU waiting for him to propose when you could do it yourself!

Plan it and just ask him! You'll soon have your answer!

TheKobayashiMaru · 05/06/2023 11:38

Sorry you are in this position OP.

My view is that if he wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now. I also agree with PP's that it is possible that because you do not have children yet, he is not proposing regardless of what he says to you. Actions speak louder than words, he is saying one thing but not doing it.

MissyB1 · 05/06/2023 11:39

Maireas · 05/06/2023 11:34

It's very manipulative of him, and somewhat cruel.
I don't understand why the decision for marriage is in the gift of the man. Surely as a couple you discuss plans, decide on marriage and go ahead?
Time and again we get these threads where a man won't propose and I don't get it.

This! Why the hell is it purely up to the man when a couple get married? It’s a decision you make together surely? Forget about a proposal, sit him down and tell him that if you going to be married then the time has come.

Hubblebubble · 05/06/2023 11:39

If a man wants to marry you the thought of proposing will fill him with happiness. One of my male colleagues told us with such joy about all the different ways he thought about proposing before settling on one. It should be fun.

Hubblebubble · 05/06/2023 11:40

He is not feeling this joy. There are thousands of men out there who would love to propose to you.

ChrisTrepidation · 05/06/2023 11:46

@NeedToChangeName The fact that he hasn't proposed already says it all. He hasn't because he doesn't want to.

Men aren't stupid. This man knows the op wants a proposal and still hasn't proposed. If he wanted to he would!

OneMoreCookieMonster · 05/06/2023 11:56

@Timelles - I have to agree with other pps here. If he hasn't proposed yet, it's because he's not your relationship in that way.

You said he left his previous gf because he wanted kids and marriage. Not marriage and kids. Could he be paying a long game?

Is it possible that his drive for children outweighs how he feels about you? I'm asking because I have a friend like this. He's desperate for kids. He's in his 40s won't really date anyone over 35 and it's likehis dating is a fertility check list. How old is he? Could it be being his age and wanting kids ASAP?

I'm sorry you're going through ivf and all that it entails. Infertility is soul destroying and not just mentally but physically and financially. I hope you get your rainbow baby. I hope he is supporting you through this.

WilkinsonM · 05/06/2023 11:57

Waiting for a proposal is beyond nuts. Have a grown up nice conversation with him when you're both in a happy, relaxed mood and agree if you both want to be married and when you'll do it.
personally my DP offered to buy me a ring after we had agreed to get married which was sweet and fun, we went together and chose it.

Yorkshireteaformethanks · 05/06/2023 11:57

I feel bad for you OP as it's sounds similar to my situation early last year. My (now) DH was dragging his feet (6 years too) but he really wanted to start trying for a family. Im not ashamed to say I used that to my advantage. No marriage - no babies. That weekend we went shopping and he pulled me into a jewellers and we chose a ring, we got married within months and the TTC journey began, no luck yet though...
Wishing you lots of luck with your talk later and your ttc journey xxx

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 11:58

Franseen · 05/06/2023 11:20

Sorry for your IVF OP.

I agree with PPs that if he wants marriage and children, it may be the potential lack of children that’s putting him off. Are donor eggs or adoption are on the cards?

Thank you.

Yes we are going down the donor egg route. It's very expensive, especially on top of the IVF we have had so far; so we have limited ourselves to two rounds using donor eggs. If that fails then we will start the adoption route.

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 12:00

Timelles · 05/06/2023 11:58

Thank you.

Yes we are going down the donor egg route. It's very expensive, especially on top of the IVF we have had so far; so we have limited ourselves to two rounds using donor eggs. If that fails then we will start the adoption route.

Show quote history

I actually disagree with PPs who suggest that your OH is just ignoring your wishes and being cruel. It sounds like you've got a lot on atm, in terms of emotional stress and money, it might be your OH just isn't even thinking about marriage or doesn't think this is the time. Again something that can be resolved by communiation.

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 12:00

CremeEggThief · 05/06/2023 11:22

I don't understand why you haven't proposed to him if it's this important to you? Why not?

I've explained why already but I plan to discuss with him this evening and suggest we just book the wedding together.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 05/06/2023 12:01

Oops missed your most recent post

Laureltime · 05/06/2023 12:02

Sorry op I don’t get his you’re putting too much pressure on. If he wanted to propose he would, it’s a 30 second job; will you marry me. Yes. Job done. The fact he’s not says something else is at play here.

HoppingPavlova · 05/06/2023 12:04

I think I lack a bit of confidence so him proposing to me would show me that he does want it and I'm not "steam rollering" him into anything. Also I'm never sure how it works when the woman proposes, do I buy myself the ring

My marriage was decades ago, but there was no proposal with a ring or such. We were watching tv, somehow during the ads one of us (who ???) brought it up in the context of discussing logistical plans for the year ahead. Like ‘Is there marriage on the cards, because that will need to be factored in with leave’. Seriously. Somehow before the show started back up again, we had decided that yes, marriage would need to be factored in, and set a date (month) factoring in work commitments and leave possibilities. We didn’t worry about a ring, as I couldn’t wear a ring in my line of work, but a few months later when we were able to get a weekend together we bought a nice piece of jewellery for me (not ring). Our DD has that now as she will now get a lot more use out if it going forward than I will.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 05/06/2023 12:05

I think he's stringing you along too, 6 years is plenty to propose when you know the answer will be yes.

He's waiting for the 23yo hottie to come along 🙄

RuthW · 05/06/2023 12:05

Did he refuse when you proposed?

Noicant · 05/06/2023 12:05

I don’t think he wants to get married to you OP. I’m sorry but 6years in and he knows you want to get married and yet you are not married. Most people for whom marriage and children are important tend to do marriage first then kids.

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 12:08

Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 12:00

I actually disagree with PPs who suggest that your OH is just ignoring your wishes and being cruel. It sounds like you've got a lot on atm, in terms of emotional stress and money, it might be your OH just isn't even thinking about marriage or doesn't think this is the time. Again something that can be resolved by communiation.

Show quote history

I think sometimes people like to project but it's interesting to hear other peoples thoughts.

I don't believe that he's being intentionally cruel or manipulative. He has been incredibly supportive and kind during this tough time and sometimes it feels like everyone who knows what we are dealing with only ever asks me how I'm feeling. We will speak tonight and see how things go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 12:09

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 05/06/2023 12:05

I think he's stringing you along too, 6 years is plenty to propose when you know the answer will be yes.

He's waiting for the 23yo hottie to come along 🙄

hahahahah! That made me laugh, thank you :)

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 05/06/2023 12:12

I don’t think you should walk away because he hasn’t proposed.
I think it would be right to consider walking away if he doesn’t accept your proposal/doesn’t want to get married imminently when it’s important to you

Franseen · 05/06/2023 12:13

With this in mind it may be that he just can’t afford the ring / proposal / wedding he wants to give you at the same time as worrying about IVF costs.

Maybe he thinks focusing all your energy and money on having a child is more important?

If you’d be happy with a £500 registry office then explain that to him?

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 05/06/2023 12:14

It is good that you plan to talk to him tonight, OP. Good luck. I certainly wouldn't put myself through any more difficult and invasive fertility treatment without a resolution to this.

Mari9999 · 05/06/2023 12:22

@HoppingPavlova ,
You say that he ended last relationship because he wanted marriage and children.

Is it possible that his outlook had changed? He does not seem to be rushing towards those goals anymore. Six years is a long time to have waited for something that was significant enough to have ended his previous relationship.

Maybe he is content with your current relationship status. it may be that he feels no pressing need to make any changes. Are you prepared to live with that position?

ArdeteiMasazxu · 05/06/2023 12:27

He is not the man for you OP. He is clearly keeping his options open and is more focused on his own wellbeing than anything else. Love is a funny old thing. We talk ourselves into being in love and we can talk ourselves out of it and we are totally capable of believing ourselves to be in love with total shitheads who don't deserve such love.

I am sorry for your struggles with infertility, that's a lot to go through whatever your relationship situation. Facing it with your so-called "partner" being someone that isn't really committed to you must be grim.

I hope you find your path, but I am pretty sure that trying to get this particular man to commit to you isn't going to end up very satisfactorily.