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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with partner of 6 years because he hasn't proposed?

145 replies

Timelles · 05/06/2023 10:42

Met my DP 6 years ago, we moved in together after a year and started trying for a family. From the start we both agreed we wanted marriage and children.

One of my younger siblings met their now husband at the same time I met my partner. They have since married and have a child together.

My youngest sibling announced their engagement to their partner of 2 years over the weekend and whilst I am thrilled for them I am bereft for myself.

Children doesn't look to be happening for us, 6 months ago our last IVF round failed and it was incredibly traumatic. The clinic told us it was almost impossible that we would conceive using my eggs. I think in the back of my mind I had hoped he would have proposed so that we have our wedding to focus on to help ease the grief of knowing I will probably never have my own biological children.

I have asked my DP whether he is stringing me along and he insists that he does plan to ask me to marry him and get married but says that I put too much pressure on him asking whether he will propose.

I feel like too much time has passed now and actually feel resentful that he hasn't proposed yet.

Please be kind, I am very emotional and confused. I love him with all my heart but I hate being in limbo like this. I want something to look forward to because at the moment life seems pretty pointless.

OP posts:
Travelfan2021 · 05/06/2023 14:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 14:48

sandyhappypeople · 05/06/2023 13:33

It sounds like you're going through an incredibly difficult time right now, he most likely is suffering too and it sounds like you're both coasting along on a wave of uncertainty about the IVF not working.

The only advice I would have is before you rush in to discuss this with him tonight, please think about the reason behind why it's so important to you right now suddenly? With kindness, I'd hazard a guess that you're looking for something to 'fix' that you CAN have some control over, and I think your sibling announcing a proposal this weekend has bought it home to you to give that sense of urgency when really you say you love him and he loves you, you're obviously feeling like you don't have a strong connection at the moment and you have a basic need to re-connect, but it's not really the right reason for someone to commit to marriage, you need it to be because he loves you and wants a future with you, not because he feels he has to.

I don't think you should really be 'waiting' for a proposal though either, to me it's such an antiquated notion that anyone in a relationship should have to wait for their partner to decide if they're ready or not, when really it should be a mutual decision as is everything else you do in your life and relationship. I think you need to have a good chat with your partner about both your visions for the future and try to come to a resolution as to what you both want out of your relationship going forward, he does need to be honest with you as to whether he wants marriage or not and if he does he shouldn't have a problem putting a timeframe in place to give you both something positive to focus on.

You make a fair point. So much of my life feels out of my control right now and nothing feels guaranteed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 14:52

ChrisTrepidation · 05/06/2023 12:46

Not quite the topic but I can strongly recommend looking abroad for ED.

I went to Greece. Much cheaper than the UK and the care was fantastic.

Thank you. I have a family member who also went to Greece so we did consider abroad, I just have other medical issues so if i do ever get lucky enough to get pregnant It would be a consultant lead pregnancy and our current clinic have links with my neurology team so i feel more comfortable with them.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 05/06/2023 14:56

I find it really hard to reconcile a man leaving a relationship because he wanted marriage with a man who has been with you for 6 years and not proposed marriage. I know a few people who’ve left relationships because the other half wasn’t ready to commit- they all married the next person or were at least engaged within 2-3 years of the relationship.

I agree a measured conversation and maybe ivf has distracted him too but that is a bit odd

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 14:57

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 13:57

Backs up him wanting a biological child, unless you’re also using donor sperm.

what’s the waiting list times like.

Have you not considered that I might have a desire for our child/ children to be genetically related to at least one of us? The waiting list is 3-6 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 14:58

Chowtime · 05/06/2023 14:02

Has this got anything to do with the house being in his name only?

Highly unlikely, as the house is in my name only. 😂

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 15:02

Timelles · 05/06/2023 14:57

Have you not considered that I might have a desire for our child/ children to be genetically related to at least one of us? The waiting list is 3-6 months.

Show quote history

Fingers crossed it works and it’s fast.

Im not saying that, my point was while it’s still his sperm his words of not caring as long as it’s with you are as cheap as his wanting to marry you, yet not actually doing anything about it.

Maybe his just a sod who isn’t fussed about marriage anymore. Maybe his waiting to see if a baby appears and will then actually pull his finger out.

Either way it does need a proper honest conversation, but don’t be strung along like loads of women who then find out he leaves and within a year or two is doing everything he said he would for you just not yet with her.

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 15:03

I think proposals and rings should be relics of the past. Long gone are dowry and courtship days. Jewelry has nothing to do with a life partner. It drives me crazy when you see posts of a ring and comments about oh wow you found a good one or lucky you or hold onto that one or what a catch...

Two people should have a conversation about their future and decide mutually if they want to get married or not. A man (or anyone) needing to hold a material object in front of him while asking someone he lives with if they want him and if this material object is enough to make them worth marrying makes me shudder.

Now that people live together, sleep together, get together older, have kids together...proposals just seem pointless.

sandyhappypeople · 05/06/2023 15:07

Timelles · 05/06/2023 14:48

You make a fair point. So much of my life feels out of my control right now and nothing feels guaranteed.

Show quote history

It's completely understandable you feel that way, I don't know about you but I tend find that when you're going through the mill like you are, people don't want to engage in a conversation about the trouble you're having, it's like with any form of grief, it's awkward for people to know what to say, or it sometimes feels like people just expect you to get over it, or you feel you're being a burden if you unload on anyone what you're really feeling so you pretend to be fine and it all builds up until you don't know which way is up and which way is down.

If you think you could benefit from talking to someone professionally, don't be afraid to reach out for help, sometimes you need someone impartial just to get your thoughts in order.

I wish you the best of luck op, I hope you manage to have a good heart to heart with your OH and it gives you something to look forward to.

Flakey99 · 05/06/2023 15:11

Hubblebubble · 05/06/2023 11:39

If a man wants to marry you the thought of proposing will fill him with happiness. One of my male colleagues told us with such joy about all the different ways he thought about proposing before settling on one. It should be fun.

Are you 6yrs old and addicted to Disney movies, lol?

In my experience, the people who focus on a big showy proposal aren’t marriage material. (My ex for starters!)

OP, will a fancy proposal resolve your sadness? If you think it will help, then tell him clearly that’s what you want or do it yourself.

We got married in a Registry Office with 4 guests as I can’t be doing with the fuss and frivolity of a big ‘do’. I’d rather spend my money and time doing the things that make me happy like having fabulous holidays where there’s just the two of you and your own personal guide.

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 15:20

sandyhappypeople · 05/06/2023 15:07

It's completely understandable you feel that way, I don't know about you but I tend find that when you're going through the mill like you are, people don't want to engage in a conversation about the trouble you're having, it's like with any form of grief, it's awkward for people to know what to say, or it sometimes feels like people just expect you to get over it, or you feel you're being a burden if you unload on anyone what you're really feeling so you pretend to be fine and it all builds up until you don't know which way is up and which way is down.

If you think you could benefit from talking to someone professionally, don't be afraid to reach out for help, sometimes you need someone impartial just to get your thoughts in order.

I wish you the best of luck op, I hope you manage to have a good heart to heart with your OH and it gives you something to look forward to.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for such a kind and understanding replies.

We had a couple of joint counselling sessions before we decided on going down the egg donor route. I have had another couple of 1-1 sessions but I don't know how much I get out of them to be honest. I just seem to sit there and tell her that I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and that I "should be feeling X type of way" she tells me I am too self critical and then we go around and around again. I just want a magic wand to make all of these feelings disappear so I can feel happy and hopeful for the future.

He's left me a bunch of flowers on my car just now which is nice and he asked if we can take a walk to talk things out this evening. It's like he's read my mind.

I will be taking a lot of the sensible advice offered from the more sensitive and considered replies.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 05/06/2023 15:24

Why don't you propose to him?

If he doesn't accept, then you'll know marriage isn't on his plan, and can decide whther you want to stay with him, settle for the single life, freedom and idependence, or find another partner.

No guarantee a future partner will want marriage either, of course.

DisquietintheRanks · 05/06/2023 15:30

drpet49 · 05/06/2023 11:28

My good friends got engaged after 18 years together. Had a child after they got married. So it does happen.

Show quote history

My friend's father proposed to her mum after 9 years. This set the tone for their marriage, as he took great pleasure in refusing, obstructing or stringing out everything that was ever important to her. Basically, he was a gaslighting shit.

LadyJ2023 · 05/06/2023 16:08

This is in no way meant to sound bad but you actually say earlier he left his last relationship because they weren't on the same page about kids. I'm so sorry about your ivf failing has it gone thru your head he may not want to marry because he will still want kids with someone

Original poster
Timelles · 05/06/2023 17:50

LadyJ2023 · 05/06/2023 16:08

This is in no way meant to sound bad but you actually say earlier he left his last relationship because they weren't on the same page about kids. I'm so sorry about your ivf failing has it gone thru your head he may not want to marry because he will still want kids with someone

Thank you for your delicate reply. To be honest it didn't concern me until we found out we have little to no hope of me having my own biological children and then all of the grief that comes with that lead me to worry he might feel that way. We spoke about it and he reassured me that it didn't matter to him whether our children were genetically related to us.

The reason it didn't concern me is because after we had been trying for a couple of years we started talking about other options and he mentioned adoption. I said that I was worried I wouldn't be able to love a child I didn't grow and bond with inside me and he looked down to our little dog and said "yeah I know what you mean...." and laughed because we both adore our gorgeous girl so much and of course I didn't grow her.

I only asked him whether he considered leaving because of the grief and complex emotions that come with such issues.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 05/06/2023 19:02

@Flakey99 Nope. I'm a grown adult in the real world who has male friends who love their wives and enjoyed proposing to them. The colleague I mentioned took his now wife to the park where they had their first date, a picnic, and got down on one knee. It wasn't showy, it was thoughtful.

Opaque11 · 05/06/2023 19:09

If a man wants to marry you he will. 6 years is a long, long time to still have an excuse to wait. So he's prepare to have a child with you, home with you, let you go through IVF and still not feel 'ready'? Op don't let this man waste your time.

Wife2b · 05/06/2023 19:15

Natty13 · 05/06/2023 10:48

He isn't going to propose. I'm sorry. You will watch everyone around you get married and thst feeling will only get worse. He will string you along for 40 odd years before he has a heart attack and you aren't entitled to any of his pension or life insurance. I see it time and time again in my work and its heart breaking for the women.

What a silly thing to say when you don’t know him, very cynical. Not everyone rushes to a proposal and that’s ok. Marriage is a big deal but the OP and her partner were clearly fine trying for a baby without this. Took my OH 7 years to propose, finally married almost 3 years later.

Maireas · 05/06/2023 19:17

In those 7 years, @Wife2b , did you discuss marriage and agree when it would happen?

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 05/06/2023 19:50

I was in the same position (and similar age). I told my DH that either he proposes... or I do. And I would've done it too (I was looking at men's wedding rings). DH was terrified of being "emasculated" so he proposed shortly after 🤣

Maireas · 05/06/2023 19:51

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 05/06/2023 19:50

I was in the same position (and similar age). I told my DH that either he proposes... or I do. And I would've done it too (I was looking at men's wedding rings). DH was terrified of being "emasculated" so he proposed shortly after 🤣

Why would it emasculate him for you to suggest marriage? Didn't you discuss it?

Sunnyfeelgood · 05/06/2023 20:24

@Timelles if you want to share, we would love to hear the outcome of your chat. I have had my fingers crossed all day hoping you have a lovely wedding to plan :)

LemonPeonies · 05/06/2023 20:50

Looks like children are more important to him and I can't blame him tbh. You need a Frank chat.

Original poster
Timelles · 06/06/2023 10:12

Sunnyfeelgood · 05/06/2023 20:24

@Timelles if you want to share, we would love to hear the outcome of your chat. I have had my fingers crossed all day hoping you have a lovely wedding to plan :)

We're planning our wedding 😀

The chat went well and like someone said I think we needed the deep chat to reconnect after a really stressful time with the IVF and other things. We took our dog to the local lake and (I'll try to keep it brief!) He started off asking what my hopes and goals are for the next 12 months are and then he shared his. We are on the same page with our two main goals, and even the smaller goals like renovating our home. I told him I wasn't actually bothered about a big proposal but he said that he wants to and he knows where he wants to do it so we'll see if he gets round to that before we get married 😂

Thanks for all the constructive replies.

To those less constructive replies I'm sorry that you have had such negative experiences and it's been really interesting to see how different people view marriage, for some it's Disney and fairytales, for some it's very transactional and for others it's somewhere in-between.

OP posts:
febrezeme · 06/06/2023 10:24

Yes marriage is important to him. The reason he left his relationship before me is because he knew he wanted marriage and children and they weren't on the same page.

If that's what he actually wanted he would have proposed loooong before now. Sounds like a bullshit excuse he's given you in the hope it would reel you in