To let DS miss his exam tomorrow

[Winterdays200]

DS is currently in the middle of his GCSE exams, he was very anxious about failing but seemed to be getting on ok.

He was very quiet over half term and not really himself but I put it down to him being tired after a few weeks of exams. I had a message from one of his friends this evening saying that DS had told her he attempted suicide the other day and not to tell me but he's still suicidal. I've spoken to him and he refused to speak to me but said he doesn't know why he feels that way etc. I'm thinking of letting him miss tomorrow's exam if he wants to but I'm unsure if that would make him feel worse

WIBU

Oh give him a huge cuddle and just listen to him. He’s likely feeling all kinds of emotions. I’ve been there, I was worried about failing and also attempted. There’s nothing more embarrassing than being worried about failing and then failing to end your life also… at least that’s how I felt. I felt huge amounts of shame and the attempt amplified everything.

Don’t let him out of your sight. Go at his pace and just listen to anything he has to say

The reason he is feeling like this is that he has been working hard for his exam. Don't let him miss it. That will only make things worse.Schools have counsellors - make an appointment for afterwards so he can talk it through with someone who understands and is trained for this.

His mental health takes precedence over EVERYTHING.

Get in touch with School NOW. They may be able to submit work if he can't sit the exam so that he can rest for his MH & still not 'fail the exam' (been there, got the T shirt...) It's important he doesn't feel 'a failure' but his MH tops everything.

Consider speaking to GP on his behalf as well. Text the friend back (great he has such caring friends). They might come over to see him & that might help too.
He needs both professional MH support & the familiarity of family/friends too.
He will follow his usual routine as he is able but that might need a short break.

Thinking of you both x

If he is threatening/ planning suicide he needs medical help, not a meal out and a shopping spree.

GCSEs won’t be much use to him if he dies! His life is at serious risk so I’d prioritise getting your DS to a doctor immediately. I wouldn’t even think about him taking any more exams while he’s so mentally unwell. Sending best wishes to you and your family.

I would contact the school very urgently, explain. and ask for him to sit the exam in a separate room with solo supervision.

If that can be arranged I would suggest to son; try it and see. If at any time you can't cope, you can just get up and leave, I'll be in the car outside. IF you can do the exam it might assure you that you're still in control of finding your way way through these very scary feelings.

Its not the exam that matters, it's his sense of himself, that he's the capatain of his inner ship.

If he doesn't attend the exam, it will only enhance the negative feelings and insecurity . If he gives it a shot, even if he leaves early, or doesn't pass, he knows he did his best in tough circumstances. That's a positive for his future. handling of personal stress.

I’m not sure whether missing the exam would make things better or worse. Regardless of whether he goes to his exam today, you need to talk to the school. Hopefully they will have systems in place for students who are finding this stress too much.

He can resit in November. Any school/ 6th form will accept him considering the circs.

l used to teach 6th form. He can just be entered again. English and Maths are the only ones that can be redone in November.

I wouldn't let him miss the exam.
But I would get him to the doctor asap and make sure he is supervised by someone at all times.

OP's son is either in his Eng exam by now, or not sitting it.

All the best for you and your boy OP. I hope you have found some useful pointers on this thread.

Obviously decision is made it is English this morning - I would have asked him what he wanted to do but get an urgent appointment for today

This! We went through similar with my DS who found all the exam pressure too much and confessed to feeling suicidal.

Talk to them, tell them you know how he is feeling and that exams can all be sorted later if need be. With your DS's feelings as they are, you need professional help with this. We rang the doctor, who saw us next day and made a referral to CAMHS, but this was a few years ago now, and with appointment waiting times being what they are, you may be better taking him to A&E. Let him know that exams can wait, unless he wants to do it, but you are there whatever he decides.

Good luck - I have never been so scared in my life as when we found out what was going on, and it was a tough few months. But my DS came through, went to university a year later than he would have done and is now happy. Wishing you all the best.

OP
I hope all is well this morning.

What exam is it?
Some PPs have mentioned English but there are lots of other exams on today
Design and Tech, Hebrew, French etc. that’s just two boards.
Whatever one it is if it’s important to him he can retake next Summer or November depending on the subject. Or if it’s not one he’s that interested in then it really doesn’t matter anyway.

Exams invigilator here....sending all good wishes to you and your DS, OP. So sorry to hear he is going through this.

It sounds as if he needs some urgent mental health support - I would try 111 or A&E - but I appreciate this is tough if he is not wanting to engage. But please speak to the exams officer at his school ASAP, regardless of whether he has sat this morning's exam or not, and explain the situation. If he is adamant that he wants to continue to sit his remaining exams, the exams officer may well be able to apply for special consideration given his mental state (but would likely need medical evidence). See what additional support could be provided. It could well be possible to move him to a smaller room with a much smaller number of students, for example, rather than being in the main exams hall (assuming these kind of arrangements are not in place for him already). Some students find a hall completely overwhelming but do much better in a side room with two or three others. Either way, though, the exams team (and head of Y11) need to know what is happening so that they can support you and DS as best they can. Do the school offer any kind of mental health support? They should have a student services team and possibly a counsellor on site - difficulty being that these very often have incredibly long waiting lists - but it's worth asking.

If he has missed today's exam and is likely to miss more, again speak to the exams officer, see what can be done. He certainly won't be the only student who is missing one or more exams for some reason this exam series, and the exams officer will almost certainly have dealt with student absence from public exams before and know what to advise.

Good luck to you both.

Hi OP
Just want to say thinking of you and your son today. Hoping that, with you on his side and the right support, your son will come through this.

As someone who WAS that suicidal teen, he should take the exam. He'll need some sense of normality to bring him back

As the sibling of a teen who is no longer here due to Suicide, the child's needs need to come first.

I would gladly hand back my gcse (and A level, and degree) certificates to have my brother back.

@2bazookas this is very good advice.
OP it's a case of him finding his way through with your support if possible.
If he still wants to try an exam that can be arranged. If not, school can submit medical evidence re exam noshow & he could be awarded on his grades anyway.
If not, he can re-sit in the autumn. If he's able to say what he would prefer: good. If not, then MH trumps exams. Get as much help as you can. School & GP.
Good luck & hope he is okay (& you, it's a very stressful situation to be in)

As someone who has been in OP's child's place I would be dead if I didn't have some enforced normality, including going to my exams.

Mental health care can happen at the same time as exams.

Thinking of you and your son OP. Hope you both made the right decision for him.

Another who has been in the op’s child’s place and I wish so much that someone had pulled me out of it.

Sitting the exam and not getting a top grade could easily be more damaging mental health wise than not sitting it.

The different experiences being shared just show that everyone is different and none of us should assume that we know what will help based on our own experience.

I sat my a-levels very unwell and dropped a grade. It affected me badly for ages. Felt I’d failed.

Nobody actually gives a shit about my a level results now.

Well that goes without saying. He can have both btw

Did he go in @Winterdays200 ?

Or perhaps more importantly, how is he OP and how are you?