To let DS miss his exam tomorrow

[Winterdays200]

DS is currently in the middle of his GCSE exams, he was very anxious about failing but seemed to be getting on ok.

He was very quiet over half term and not really himself but I put it down to him being tired after a few weeks of exams. I had a message from one of his friends this evening saying that DS had told her he attempted suicide the other day and not to tell me but he's still suicidal. I've spoken to him and he refused to speak to me but said he doesn't know why he feels that way etc. I'm thinking of letting him miss tomorrow's exam if he wants to but I'm unsure if that would make him feel worse

WIBU

This.

Lots of circumstances in which this is a damaging approach, including neurodivergence where the anxiety is a result of sensory overload, and circumstances like this where the person is suicidal.

As for the ‘it’s his GCSE’s’ poster… I can only hope they’re not serious. Ignore.

OP, if your son isn’t well enough to sit the exam that’s the answer. I think it depends what he wants. But missing an exam is fine if necessary. Prioritise mental health. GCSE’s can be done at any time. Mental health is harder to fix.

Or alternatively, it could show them that the exams really aren’t all that important.

I've been through this with a teen.
In the scheme of things GCSES do not matter, but the school will have drummed in the whole "mess up your GCSEs, mess up your life " mantra. You almost have to counteract that. Yes that are important, but not as important as him.

I explained to my daughter that at school you are on a bit of a motorway of education: fast and effective, GCSES then A levels then Uni, 100 miles an hour to the destination and some kids are ok with that. But it is relentless and can be scary and like the children are part of a machine.

However some kids want to travel slower, on the side roads, stop occasionally for a break. You can still get where you want to go, it might take a bit longer but that is totally fine. There are kids of different options and different routes throughly education, and you can take as long as you need.

Listen to him, and make him feel he is in control of the choices he makes. Explain that even if he doesn't do the exam, or he sits and fails or gets a poor grade, he will be ok, he will be loved, and he will still have an amazing life ahead of him.

Well, what do you think the starting point is for accessing a specialist. I would think it's probably a GP. Wouldn't you?

I already said there'll be a process and I don't know what it is. But a good starting point for dealing with a suicidal teen is to get professional medical help and assure him that it can be sorted. People miss exams all the time for medical reasons and it's fine. DH missed one at uni due to mumps and got to retake it, it wasn't an issue. By point wasn't to "blithely" give advice, but rather to reassure OP (and her son) that missing this to prioritise his mental health crisis doesn't mean the GCSE is lost. Is that ok with you?

Yanbu mh comes first everytime. You also need to speak to him about how gcse aren't that important. There are lots of different routes to get where he wants to in life and gcse isn't the only way

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have a suicidal teen and we had a crisis a few weeks ago. We are 'lucky' in that DC is already under a psychiatrist and therapist so they alerted me and we put together a safety plan. It may be that in telling a friend your DS wants help. DC told me they didn't want to die all the time but the compulsion was strong at times and they were worried they'd do something and die.

Obviously it may be different with your son. But DC responded well to me taking charge and implementing a safety plan (removed all sharps and tablets from home), DC not left alone, measures to reduce anxiety, additional medication (DC already on antidepressants). I was falling apart inside and told DC that I was very worried but that I was going to do everything I could to keep them safe and praised them for telling someone.

I have experience of losing a family member to suicide and always tell DC mental health comes before school work. I know that giving my DC the choice of whether to do the exam would help (but a genuine choice where they believe that either option outcome is ok).

Finally, there is a lot of advice to ring GP or cahms. A and E will have a mental health crisis team, but in honesty I would speak to your son first as we've only used that as a last resort. If you can afford private help then get it. My DC was classed as urgent under camhs and there was no timescale to be seen so after months of waiting we found a private psychiatrist.

Look after yourself, and ignore anyone who tells you to put an exam above your child's life.

Missing his exam will cause further anxiety you need to talk to the school and your doctor

Don’t wait for a GP appointment OP ( mine was useless when my son was severely depressed and self harming - just said “he’ll grow out of it). When I discovered he had been contemplating suicide I took him straight to A&E and he was seen within hours by a psychologist and was placed under CAMHS who really helped him.

Exams can take a backseat for now.

Same here and this is a perfect way to explain it. I did it the slow way as did one of our daughters.
It's difficult to keep a perspective when everything at school is so focused on the exams, but mental health has to be the priority. Nothing else is as important and you need to er on the side of caution.

YADNBU X

No need to be so defensive. You were wrong about a GP being able to 'sign him off'. They will not and cannot do that.

GCSE’s are so easy to retake as a private candidate and not prohibitively expensive.

Gather your son up, let him know youre there for him and right behind whatever he wants to do and get him some help as soon as possible. Schools are freaking awful for piling on the pressure and making kids feel like qualifications at x age are crucial but its a pile of guff. Getting him stable and able to cope with his life is essential!

No I wouldn't - is ENglish so vital for any future plans he may have.

My eldest went through similar suicidal thoughts during their GCSEs. We paid for counselling , the bit of advice that worked for them , (we were all given a large "toolbox" to try from) was

"what will get you through today?"

Some days it was stay home, other days - give the exam a go, then come straight home. Sometimes simply ice cream... But we always followed their lead. They are at uni now and thriving. They chose a heavy coursework rather than exam uni course which suits them well.

As a mum of a child currently taking GCSEs and having worked with teenagers in schools for many years, take your son to A&E as soon as you can. They have duty mental health practitioners available. Don't let him out of your sight. He needs you and your intervention now. Stuff the exams, worry about that later. Sending all my love and strong stuff to you, you must be going through hell 💐

I am not being defensive. But I do think it's odd that given the context of this thread what you choose to focus on is picking holes in what I said about this. Especially given I specifically stated (1) that there is a process for this and (2) that I don't know what that process is. I was being slightly flippant in my use of words and didn't realise that only formal exam process advice is allowed.

This is one of the most crass, insensitive and offensive comments I have ever read on Mumsnet. He tried to kill himself ffs. Nothing is more important than your mental health.

If you have the means too, I would tell him you'll take him out for a nice meal after the exam or take him shopping and buy him something we would like just as a well done.

He obviously needs some extra TLC right now. Poor thing 😕

When was the last time anyone asked what your GCSE results were? They really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
However, if missing the exam will cause more stress, maybe best to get it over with.
Talk to school.

So what did you do OP?

I would have wanted him to sit the exam were it Maths or English Language, others been OK with a resit later on.

Oh fgs! There's loads of fab advice on this thread and hopefully the OP will find it all useful.

Just mine that needs to be scrutinised and picked apart then, hey.

Wow, some people can't bear to be told they are wrong! I'll leave this thread now as this silly spat isn't helping the OP. Good luck OP.

He has tried to kill himself and is obviously planning. Get him to a&e or phone gp for emergency referral. Tell him put gcse out of his head and focus on mental health. I would be setting a suicide watch up. Make sure he isn't alone

I would ask him if he wants to sit it and say ‘I don’t give a toss about the exam tomorrow, I just want you happy and well. If you want to sit the exam, great, just try your best, if not, we can sort it out later. But I think we should go to the doctor for a chat, because your happiness means far more to me than a GCSE result.’