Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS miss his exam tomorrow

176 replies

Winterdays200 · 04/06/2023 23:58

DS is currently in the middle of his GCSE exams, he was very anxious about failing but seemed to be getting on ok.

He was very quiet over half term and not really himself but I put it down to him being tired after a few weeks of exams. I had a message from one of his friends this evening saying that DS had told her he attempted suicide the other day and not to tell me but he's still suicidal. I've spoken to him and he refused to speak to me but said he doesn't know why he feels that way etc. I'm thinking of letting him miss tomorrow's exam if he wants to but I'm unsure if that would make him feel worse

WIBU

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 05/06/2023 06:58

Suicidal teen, has attempted suicide anything other than medical support is not worth the risk, is it?

Theos · 05/06/2023 06:59

He needs to go.

BrunchMonster · 05/06/2023 07:01

I'd see what he wants to do about it, and how he's feeling.

If he is feeling up to doing it, then that might be good - my worry is that if he misses it, he might afterwards end up thinking that everything is hopeless and he's messed his life up, because so much importance is attached to GCSEs at school. And he might not have the maturity to see that it is something that can be overcome by doing it another time. (if it's English language, that is one of the easier ones to re-sit, actually, compared to most of them, as there will be re-sits). But I'd worry that the hassle of having to get a grade based on one paper, and him worrying that he's a failure because he didn't manage to go in, etc, he might just catastrophise to the point where he thinks it's the end of the world because he doesn't even have English language now or whatever. (It not the end of the world, but he might believe this!).

So if he is feeling OK about going it, I think I'd encourage it.

But if he's not, then yes, take that time and let him talk to you, relax, go to the GP or whoever you can get an appointment with, etc.

BurntOutGirl · 05/06/2023 07:03

He needs to sit it if he wants too. But l would ensure he was escorted to and from the exam room and not left alone.

Valeriekat · 05/06/2023 07:04

Make sure the school know which exams he won't be there for and why.
They can help with grades/resits if necessary but only if they know the circumstances.
They will have come across this before.

Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 07:07

My priority of receving a message like that would be to access medical help, and his exam would be very low on my priority list. Obviously if he wants to do it that's great but I would be on the phone to the doctor first thing this morning to find out what can be done and insist on urgent help. My SIL was suicidal and had a few suicide attempts before she succeeded. I think sometimes people don't take it entirely serious, the old "cry for help/ attention" view which is all fine and good untill someone suceeds.

Hope you and your DS are ok OP.

BottomleyPotsSpots · 05/06/2023 07:12

Suicidal teen = emergency

Nothing else takes precedence here.

Tell him you love him. Tell him you're proud of who he is, that you think he's a success no matter what happens re exams. Offer him the option of skipping the exam. If he wants to go, you drive him to the exam, and pick him up immediately after the exam.

GP or A&E visit urgently. Ask him about the suicidal thoughts and most importantly if he has an actual plan. How did he attempt suicide? Remove all relevant means - pills, gas, ropes, blades.

Find a psychologist. Spend time with him, ask him how he's feeling at least twice a day. Show him by your actions that his mental health and happiness is more important than exam results.

FlamingoQueen · 05/06/2023 07:15

I would see what he wants to do - it may cause more anxiety if he is worrying about missing it.
Can you take him to school and pick him up as soon as the exam is over? And then take him to the Drs. I would definitely speak to school first thing and I would not be letting him out of my sight for a while.

Fleur405 · 05/06/2023 07:15

I’m sorry you are experiencing this op. I don’t know the answer re the exam but only know your DS’s mental health is the most important thing.

I thought this might help. They are a charity that specifically tackle deal with suicide prevention in young people and I saw them on bbc breakfast recently. While I agree you need urgent medical intervention they might be able to help you in the meantime.

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

Papyrus UK Suicide Prevention | Prevention of Young Suicide

PAPYRUS UK is a charity for the prevention of young suicide (under 35) in the UK | Call PAPYRUS HOPELINE247 on 0800 068 4141 Now

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

WhatTheFlipToDo · 05/06/2023 07:17

@electricmoccasins

This will have been a ‘Statement of Recognition’ which is slightly different to an actual GCSE qualification.

ilovesushi · 05/06/2023 07:19

Get urgent help for him. Exams can wait. He is having a mental health crisis.

RedHelenB · 05/06/2023 07:19

Wat2do222 · 05/06/2023 00:45

@DivorcedAndDelighted are you for real? Her son has very recently attempted suicide and is in the middle of a mental health crisis - he requires immediate intervention not a 'confident lead' Unbelievable

He told a friend he'd attempted suicide slight difference.
Obviously the first thing is to make a doctors appointment and go from there.

ShimmeringShirts · 05/06/2023 07:20

For those that are saying don’t let him miss his GCSEs, taking them when he’s feeling this way means he’ll be unable to concentrate, unable to focus, he’s likely struggling to retain information right now and overall if he takes his GCSE and tanks it that’s it. If he doesn’t he can either retake or gain grades through the prelims.

I hope he’s ok, I hope you are too Flowers

GrammarTeacher · 05/06/2023 07:20

Please speak to the school. I think (hope) they'd agree that you should be seeking help and support today. It is English Language Paper 1 this morning. But paper 2 isn't until next week. Potential illness (which includes mental ill health) leading to missed papers is one of the reasons for the gap.
School should be understanding.
As well as contacting health care professionals can I recommend the charity Papyrus? They do excellent work with young people.

Fluffycloudsblusky · 05/06/2023 07:23

Gcses can be retaken/resat.
after personal personal of this:

  1. don’t let him out of your sight. Even including at night.
  2. find out what he has been googling. My son looked for non painful ways to die online.
  3. get some help. Whether a psychologist - private or NHS. This is a crisis.
  4. how is he sleeping? If not week there are herbal sleeping aids that can help - like valerium
  5. take all the pressure off. The only thing that really matters in life is family and health.
Meeting · 05/06/2023 07:26

Just let him miss it OP. An exam isn't worth his life.

Teabab · 05/06/2023 07:26

Sorry to hear this OP, hope your DS is okay and you- it's very stressful.

I would speak to him and see what he wants to do, as others have said missing it may make things worse, similarly of course he might feel it'll do a lot of harm to sit the exam in which case of course don't force him. I missed a lot of my exams due to various MH issues, its a tricky one as on the one hand it's what I wanted, I felt that if I didn't sit them the stress that was making me physically ill and suicidal would subside; but on the other if my parents would have pushed me I wouldn't have been sectioned on results day. It was very tough seeing friends and classmates celebrate and get into sixth form/college whilst I couldn't and that did escalate my suicide attempts and idealisation. I retook them at college a few years later, it's still hard to do much without the core subjects but of course is health is more important.

I'd absolutely definitely reach out to school, to the charity that has been mentioned and to the GP. You need support navigating this as well as your DS, it's often complex and it's just a lot of responsibility if going it alone.

He's lucky to have a mother who evidently cares about him enough to support him as he needs, remember to look after yourself as well.

CompletelyOverwhelmedAgain · 05/06/2023 07:30

Call the CAMHS or adult crisis number ASAP.

Outofthepark · 05/06/2023 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh FGS.

OP I wouldn't give a shit about any GCSEs if I'd learned this about my DS. I'd go straight to the school personally and tell them the situation and that he's not sitting the exams at all this year. At the end of the day perspective has spiralled out of all control when it comes to exams in our country. So much pressure that he feels this is the only way out as he's totally overwhelmed. The school may well have some very good advice about his to manage it.

Doing so (deferring) would also give perspective to your DS - they're only exams, the pressure isn't worth it, deferring a year is FINE. He's the important thing, not his GCSE scores. And he's so young, taking them next year is no issue. And in that year you can work with him to take a break, decompress, do some extra study without feeling pressure and so on.

Going through life healthy and happy is the most important thing.

mummydoris2006 · 05/06/2023 07:33

@Winterdays200 my daughter missed a full week of GCSE's last year due to a horse riding accident. I know it's not the same situation but she also has had mental health problems in the past too. I think Covid had a lot to do with this, the isolation of being an only child with both parents working and the fact she never liked school didn't help either.

Next month she will have completed her first year as an apprentice agricultural engineer with a huge global company. She is absolutely thriving and the difference in her is amazing to see.

Please don't worry if your son misses the exams, he is the most important thing not a piece of paper. GCSE's can be retaken at any time if needed. I'm sending you a hug too as this is so difficult to deal with as a parent.

Theos · 05/06/2023 07:34

How is missing the exam going to help

Theos · 05/06/2023 07:35

They can’t be “retaken at any time”. It’s quite hard

porkpiesinthepark · 05/06/2023 07:36

You can have a conversation with him, asking if he has or had made plans to kill himself or harm himself. Ask him if there was any other way you could help the situation. Try not to minimise his suicide plans or say 'something silly' in place of saying harm yourself. Ask him if you could do anything immediately to help, don't put it off until later, such as get extra support for his exams, extra time due to extreme anxiety. Maybe show him some statistics that show that GCSES don't really matter.

londonrach · 05/06/2023 07:38

Only an exam...he can take them any time. Op ask him what he wants to do, talk to the school and arrange for him to see the GP. Sorry you and your son going through this. X

Swipe left for the next trending thread