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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let DS miss his exam tomorrow

176 replies

Winterdays200 · 04/06/2023 23:58

DS is currently in the middle of his GCSE exams, he was very anxious about failing but seemed to be getting on ok.

He was very quiet over half term and not really himself but I put it down to him being tired after a few weeks of exams. I had a message from one of his friends this evening saying that DS had told her he attempted suicide the other day and not to tell me but he's still suicidal. I've spoken to him and he refused to speak to me but said he doesn't know why he feels that way etc. I'm thinking of letting him miss tomorrow's exam if he wants to but I'm unsure if that would make him feel worse

WIBU

OP posts:
BCBird · 05/06/2023 05:52

Let him.know he is important and not the exam. Inform.the school he will not be attending and why.. it would be unfair of them to delay or chase him if he is not going to attend. You may be able to get special consideration for him.if u have some medical documentation. If u are not sure what to.do ask.the school if u can speak to exam.secretary. On a note of personal safety,watch him.like a hawk and get others to help you. I am living through the devastating affects of suicide. It is probably a cry for help. Good luck with everything OP.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 05/06/2023 06:00

He needs to see either his GP or go to A&E to be seen if you think for a second he is suicidal/attempted suicide. Exams are not as important as his life, ever.

Massive empathy OP to you and your son. My eldest child suffers from depression and has taken more than 1 overdose. I’m glad your son has a sensible friend who cares about him enough to tell you what has already happened so you can help him.

Newnamefor23 · 05/06/2023 06:10

Normally I’d say tell him to get into school and take the exam.

But this situation is different. You have noticed changes AND one of his friends has been in touch.

So I’d be open to letting him miss the exam. However if he does you need to contact the school and explain - so that he is not just a no show.
You also need to get him to the doctors today - for his own good and to get a sick note.

Exam boards will quite often give a grade to a pupil who is sick on the day. It’ll be based on past work/grades/mock results and a teacher assessment - but not without a doctor’s note.

Hope he’s ok.

VDisappointing · 05/06/2023 06:17

I very sorry you are going through this but unless he asks you I would not suggest missing this exam. The children need to do English and maths and pass with a 4 or more in these to get into most post gcse courses todays exam is English. He’ll likely need to repeat this English exam next year for his future so I am worried he may feel worse.
please call your gp today and ask for advice as he needs help asap

Sugargliderwombat · 05/06/2023 06:21

I think try and get him through it, if he's this anxious he won't feel any better for missing it.

Hairyfairy01 · 05/06/2023 06:21

Exams can be retaken. Give him a choice. But if he goes I would be taking him and picking him up straight after and going to the gp or even a&e if no appointments. His mate was very brave telling you, that's a huge thing. Let the school know either way. I hope he gets the help and support he needs.

Hairyfairy01 · 05/06/2023 06:22

Can people stop saying he's anxious! He's suicidal - there's a pretty big difference!

Pieceofpurplesky · 05/06/2023 06:26

I teach English and it's the exam tomorrow - please get him help and forget the exam. It can be resat. His life can't.
Sending support

WhatTheFlipToDo · 05/06/2023 06:26

I completely echo the sympathy of all the posters above and am also team ‘see how he feels this morning’.

I’ll also repeat what one poster’s son said above, paper 1 of English Language doesn’t require revision, really. It’s a skills based paper. It’s basically reading an extract from a story and answering 4 questions then the writing part is creative too. He’ll be given a picture and asked to use it as inspiration to write something creative (similes, the five senses, personification and the like)

I’m not saying this to suggest you force him to take it but if he’s up and about now, you could talk it through with him. Reassure him he didn’t need to revise for it. Suggest he starts with the writing section and then that’s half the marks already, remind him the first one is a nice easy information retrieval one, Q2 is exactly the same skills as literature and he’s sat that already etc etc.

Also, let school know. With some notice, we could facilitate him sitting in one of our smaller rooms. We would also make sure he was very closely supervised during and after the exam before you collect him.

Pieceofpurplesky · 05/06/2023 06:26

*toda

tinytemper66 · 05/06/2023 06:26

If it wasn't English Language I would agree. This is one of the most important exams. I would let him sit it but speak to the school and the examinations officer to let them know. Then speak to GP. You can ask for special circumstances.
Hope he is ok.

DoingSomethingUnholy · 05/06/2023 06:28

Are you sure the friend isn't in on it? He doesn't fancy the exam today so he got his mate to text you that? What exam is it? Is it his worst subject? If it's a none core subject like d+t it doesn't really matter, but maths is needed for many careers. I think kids have a very different attitude now, I found exams stressful but you just got on with it, now every kid has anxiety and it's a free pass to skip anything you don't like. I'm not sure allowing him to skip is the right thing to do.

WhatTheFlipToDo · 05/06/2023 06:29

By the way, I also completely echo all the responses about GPs appointments, getting help etc but didn’t want to literally type out the same thing as 30 others. My post about the exam was just for info in case he was talking about sitting it, not a suggestion that you should do anything other than be led by him.

Joystir59 · 05/06/2023 06:29

Attempted suicide is a mental health emergency- speak to his GP asap. And talk to him about the attempt and how he feels, explore this with him. You can also take him to A&E

electricmoccasins · 05/06/2023 06:31

You need to tell the school he has attempted suicide and won't be attending the exam. There will be protocols in place. They will inform the exam board. Teachers are obliged to keep mock results/papers and will already have given teacher assessments regarding expected grades. These will be used to give your son a grade because of exceptional circumstances. You may need a medical note at some point for the school to send to the exam board but that should me easily obtained.

Look after your son. Get him medical attention today. Exams can wait.

CatsOnTheChair · 05/06/2023 06:32

From your title I was already of the mindset "of course he does his GCSE" but reading your post, you give him the choice, and see if he wants to do it. I've a feeling it's English today.
Your son's health is more important than a piece of paper.

Please talk to a medical expert today tho.

WhatTheFlipToDo · 05/06/2023 06:35

@electricmoccasins

This isn’t true, I’m afraid. For special consideration, 25% of a course needs to have been formally assessed for any grade to be awarded. This 25% can be coursework or an exam. If he misses Paper 1 but sits Paper 2 then he can be awarded a grade but there will need to be medical evidence and it isn’t as simple as just doubling the second paper’s marks.

Hairyfairy01 · 05/06/2023 06:35

DoingSomethingUnholy · 05/06/2023 06:28

Are you sure the friend isn't in on it? He doesn't fancy the exam today so he got his mate to text you that? What exam is it? Is it his worst subject? If it's a none core subject like d+t it doesn't really matter, but maths is needed for many careers. I think kids have a very different attitude now, I found exams stressful but you just got on with it, now every kid has anxiety and it's a free pass to skip anything you don't like. I'm not sure allowing him to skip is the right thing to do.

His friend in on it!?! Jesus! How brave must his friend have been to listen to the OP telling him and then having the maturity and guts to tell his mum. His friend needs a medal quite honestly not people like you thinking the worse.

Yes, a lot of teenagers have anxiety, we live in a pretty shit world atm and our teens have been through an awful lot in the last few years. The amount of posters on here telling the OP to basically tell her suicidal son that an English exam is the most important thing (aka more important than his life) proves how much pressure society is putting on teens. However in this case this is far worse than anxiety. Her son is suicidal fgs! My ds is sitting his English this morning, it's his weakest subject and he'll be lucky to pass. Regardless, if I had even a sniff he had any suicidal thoughts I would ensure his mental health was more of a priority than any exam.

jersey2021 · 05/06/2023 06:39

I’m so sorry about your DS feeling this way and thank god for his friend telling you. There’s far too much pressure on children these days, some poor kids have got 3 exams Tuesday due to clashes and it’s absolutely not fair.
Does the school have someone he can talk to? Can you go with him to the school to explain?
He can definitely take it at a later date or if he’s willing to go to the doctor could they use his mock result?
As pp said they aren’t the be all and end all, I don’t remember this much pressure being put on us when we took ours.
My DS was really worried about one of his but it was actually ok he thinks. Depending on his subjects this week is the worst in terms of volume. Has he been revising? Our school has been brilliant in some subjects in regards to revision help and absolutely shocking in others.

Darsar111 · 05/06/2023 06:40

I am so sorry you are going through this. Our child also tried to commit suicide several times.

Some things we learnt that may help:

• Let your child be in control as much as possible- let him miss the exam if he wants tomorrow. Ask him what he needs.
• Ask school for help and to see the safeguarding team- unfortunately, schools have had lots of experience with teenagers in similar situations.
• Have a code word or sliding scale of how he is feeling. We had 1-10 (with 10 being I need to be taken to A and E and 8-9 -please stay with me)
• See if he will talk to a friend / trusted adult
• Remove all dangerous items from the house.
• CAMHS are at breaking point - please don't automatically assume that support will be put in place quickly (we struggled to get any support. It was heart-breaking to tell our child that they will get support only to then tell them it was refused - several times)
• Make sure you get plenty of support. This is not your fault - you have not failed as a parent. I got counselling, did a CBT course, spoke endlessly to trusted friends and used the Papyrus helpline. You need to stay mentally strong yourself to help him.

I really hope you are ok - it's one of the worst things you can experience as a parent.

Shhhquirrel · 05/06/2023 06:44

This reply has been deleted

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Get your priorities right.

ZebraD · 05/06/2023 06:46

Could you speak to school?
Some have counsellors available that might be able to help.
I would guess it would be good to make them aware of the situation.
Talk to your DS, gently. See if he feels up to it rather than deciding for him.
Best wishes and best of luck getting through such a terrible time.

FeetupTvon · 05/06/2023 06:47

Be guided by your son. If he wants to miss it, let him.
Seek professional help for him asap and don’t take your eyes off him.

willWillSmithsmith · 05/06/2023 06:52

This reply has been deleted

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There’s always one. Always someone who thinks they’re being superior by dismissing a very real concern. You’re not clever or wise, kids have been known to make extreme and bad decisions because of exam anxiety. It’s only as adults we can see that an exam is not worth compromising your mental well-being for. Your post doesn’t even clarify anything it’s just a vague statement, of no use to anyone.

electricmoccasins · 05/06/2023 06:54

WhatTheFlipToDo · 05/06/2023 06:35

@electricmoccasins

This isn’t true, I’m afraid. For special consideration, 25% of a course needs to have been formally assessed for any grade to be awarded. This 25% can be coursework or an exam. If he misses Paper 1 but sits Paper 2 then he can be awarded a grade but there will need to be medical evidence and it isn’t as simple as just doubling the second paper’s marks.

Whilst this is true for the most part administration-wise for most illnesses, exam boards can look at pupils on a case by case basis. I know a student who missed his both GCSE English lang exams because his mother died days before. He got a grade - not a best grade, but a grade nonetheless. If the OPs son has attempted suicide rather than missing the exam for a cold, the exam board should look at this as an extreme exceptional circumstance.

And even if not, miss the exam. It's not worth it.