To let DS miss his exam tomorrow

[Winterdays200]

DS is currently in the middle of his GCSE exams, he was very anxious about failing but seemed to be getting on ok.

He was very quiet over half term and not really himself but I put it down to him being tired after a few weeks of exams. I had a message from one of his friends this evening saying that DS had told her he attempted suicide the other day and not to tell me but he's still suicidal. I've spoken to him and he refused to speak to me but said he doesn't know why he feels that way etc. I'm thinking of letting him miss tomorrow's exam if he wants to but I'm unsure if that would make him feel worse

WIBU

A confident lead is all well and good but how many parents are trained with dealing with a suicidal teen? What happens if that confident lead backfires. Parents aren’t the experts here.

If it's the worry of failing his exams that's making him feel suicidal, then missing the exam could make him feel even worse.

On this occasion, drive him there and pick him up afterwards, and tell him just to relax and try his best.

I’d ask your son.
If he would prefer not to then I’d accept that but definitely take him to the gp tomorrow. Even if you have to sit in the waiting room all day if they say they don’t have any appointments.

My son missed one gcse due to anxiety. It didn’t define him. It’s not a big issue.

that’s a really good advice^
I wonder if there is a telephone line where you can call for advice now like Samaritans or something else.
Hope you get help quickly .

All you can do is remind him that you have his back either way.

It's Eng Lang 1 tomorrow. Eng Lang is such a key exam and one that (according to my Y11!) doesn't need a tonne of revision for so if he can possibly give it a go, it could save a lot of hassle down the road. I think I'd be encouraging him to walk into the room and open the paper IF he can manage it. If it's too much he can walk out at any point. However, it might be much simpler than that - if he can't, he just can't.

I took an overdose during Y12 exams. I'm not sure my parents "letting" me skip an exam would hold much meaning. I didn't take subsequent exams because I couldn't, I was a mess, not because they let me skip them. If he is well enough to get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to school and give it a go, I think it would be enormously stressful being sat at home clock watching for the sake of it after 2 years of study. But if he is not well enough to jump through all those hoops then there is no option but to stay home - his mental health requires him to skip the exam.

I'm sure most of us agree that a child's mental health comes before their exams. But it's a case by case basis on whether their mental health is best served by giving it a go, with reminders they can walk out, vs not trying.

Talk to school first thing about whether he can get a room to himself or other adjustments such as breaks.

I've been there with my son OP. Gcse's don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Your son needs help from the professionals now. Be prepared to fight to get him help. I found that asking my son what he wanted to do overwhelmed him. I wanted to do all the things he likes to make him feel better but he preferred it if I said something like "I'm making everyone cheese sandwiches for lunch, is that ok with you?" rather than give him loads of choices.

Forgot to add that in some ways it was easier for us as ds was physically very ill after his suicide attempt so he was seen and assessed by camhs within hours of him regaining consciousness. However I did find that once the immediate danger was over any support was very difficult to access.

YANBU. Anyone can take a GCSE at any time. There is no 'it's his GCSE's.'

There is some good advice on this thread otherwise, OP. Thank goodness he has a good friend looking out for him. Good luck helping your DS - I wish you both well.

He needs a break, urgently. He can retake them. I'd be making sure I was at home watching him like a hawk (without being in his face, tricky I know). Let him breathe for a bit.

First of all, I'm sending so much love your way. I can't imagine what you are going through right now.

Secondly, absolutely ignore anyone who says that YABU.

First and foremost, make sure he knows that you have got his back. That's the most important thing. Another important thing is to know that we have got your back.

Call the GP. Call the school. Get as much support as you can/need for you and your child.

Your sons mental health is 100% the most important thing right now. Screw the exam. Take his lead tomorrow though xx

^This, 100% agree. My DS is dyslexic, passed just one GCSE, barely scraped the pass, he really didn’t think he would pass any. He works in a very niche/specialised area of tech, his lack of GCSE’s certainly hasn’t held him back, with the skills he has, no company hiring will be interested in his GCSE’s, totally irrelevant. GCSE’s are not the be all and end all, although school put pressure on kids. Do what’s right for your child.

I have been treating people with anxiety for many years and whilst generally it is correct to not let anyone with anxiety safety seek and avoid and that "lead with confidence" type behavior is what to do for most teen patients day to day, all that changes when suicidality is introduced to the situation. A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing and its best not to declare what someone in such a dangerous situation should do about their child based on some talk you went to.

It’s a good default parenting style but agree, not in a crisis.

If it were my son I would absolutely tell him he could miss the exam.

The most important thing in life is life itself, and you have just learned that your son has made a suicide attempt.

I would be telling school and the doctor about the suicide attempt as soon as possible in the morning.

You must be very shocked and worried

Missing the exam could make it worse (anxiety over having missed a paper, what that means etc) as much as it could relieve it so you need to be led by him. Get him help ASAP, regardless.

Wtf? Suicide vs gcses? 🤨

I don’t know if missing the exam will help him - if anything it could make him feel worse?

In this case I would be led by my child regarding the exam.

In the meantime make the home safe, I've had to do this recently. My medication is where my daughter can't find it.

No razors in the bathroom and the kitchen knives are put where she can't find them.

It's gruelling getting mental health treatment and support, be prepared to have to be a strong advocate for your child.

It's frustrating and all consuming getting responses and pushing for much needed support and treatment

Samaritans - call 116 123, text SHOUT 85258

Papyrus - 0800 068 41 41

Childline - 0800 11 11

I agree that you should be led by him.

I’m really sorry @Winterdays200 that your ds and you are going through this. I hope you have had an okay night.

Ask him, it might make things worse as there are still plenty more to come. If he’s prepared to go ahead let school know as soon as you can. They can support him eg counselling, put him in a smaller room so he’s not in with the full year group, which can exacerbate anxiety.

I hope you’re joking

MH is more important than GCSEs.

However the main exam today is English Language which will be a right pain to him if he misses it and might make him feel worse.

If he can cope, might be best for him to do the exam, then be picked up straight after and you have a long chat with him then.

Give him the choice. Go from there. Best wishes.

I would ask him what he would like to do and remind him that it is not a disaster if he misses it. It is also fine if he decides to have a go and then stops part way through. Whilst it is handy for him to do the GCSE now, it really isn’t a massive issue if he doesn’t.