To let DS miss his exam tomorrow

[Winterdays200]

DS is currently in the middle of his GCSE exams, he was very anxious about failing but seemed to be getting on ok.

He was very quiet over half term and not really himself but I put it down to him being tired after a few weeks of exams. I had a message from one of his friends this evening saying that DS had told her he attempted suicide the other day and not to tell me but he's still suicidal. I've spoken to him and he refused to speak to me but said he doesn't know why he feels that way etc. I'm thinking of letting him miss tomorrow's exam if he wants to but I'm unsure if that would make him feel worse

WIBU

Yes this can help some teens.

Without knowing what's behind the anxiety it's hard to say what would be the right course of action. He may not want to miss the exam.

GCSE's can be caught up, I know adults who have done their English and Maths GCSE's. Colleges are used to supporting young people with this and offer re-sits or GCSE's alongside other courses.

His mental health comes first. If he wants to sit the exam then let him. Take him yourself and pick him up if that is the case. Phone the school first thing and let them know to keep a close eye on him if he is attending. If he isn't phone them to explain and get support.

He may need blood tests if he took an overdose, A&E would be the place to go initially to access rapid support or the GP on an emergency appointment. They can provide the evidence needed for the school and exam board, but the most important thing is to get him help.

Yeah and they are not the be all.and end all.my son has also missed an exam ,newly diagnosed diabetic,and was critically ill in intensive care in February,health is far more important than GCSE,s!

But there are many ways forward without them. GCSEs really mean diddly squat later on.

I have a raft of them... about 12 at grade C (in those days) or above.

I did A levels etc and then decided I’d really like to actually be a mum, so went off and had a baby and got married.

a few years later at the grand old age of 26 I decided I’d quite like to do an English Degree, after all I was fairly good at it. My GSCEs though..... not good enough, needed an Access Course to prove ‘recent study’. Didn’t need the GCSEs to do that..... it stood for it itself.

Access course and Degree and GCSEs under my belt off i went.

Hated my job, had a few more kids. Went into care work. Decided a Health and Social Care NVQ might be useful. I have to do functional skills again! Despite having an English degree I still have to do a basic English and Math skills exam to prove I can actually do it.

so many opportunities through life that education is always an option.

you only get one chance to live it though, and mental health is a foundation stone.

I agree MH is a million more times important than a GCSE but if the child is stressed and suicidal over a fear of failing then missing the exam could make things even worse for their MH.

The OP needs to speak to the school and their child and support their child by doing what is best. No one on here can answer that.

Talk to Papyrus OP whilst waiting for the GP - hopefully they'll get back to you today. Yes talk to school.
Don't be afraid of talking directly to him about your concerns " I can see you're sad and quiet. Do you have thoughts about hurting yourself or just not existing? That must be really tough." Let him know you're there to walk this with him. Tell him the exam is up to him - they happen twice a year so no big deal etc. Yes talk to safeguarding lead at school.
Very best to you both.

This is good point. He will likely doa lot better in them if he takes them when in a better place mentally. A doctor should be able to sign him off.

My heart goes out to you, OP - sending hugs. My DC (history of self harm and suicidal attempt / ideation) is the same age as your son. In November they had a really bad anxiety attack before a particular mock exam. In the end, I sat with them and said "You don't have to do it". This visibly changed my DC's demeanour. Huge relief on their face. As it happens, they decided to go in and do it (and they did really well). It was just giving them that choice. I would do the same again in relation to their actual GCSEs. Regarding future support, you should contact your GP asap today. This will result in a referral to CAMHS but this takes a long long time. If you can afford to pay for private counselling in the interim, I would. Having to wait for help from CAMHS is absolute torture.

If he doesn’t he can either retake or gain grades through the prelims

How is it possible to retake and what are prelims?

You need to talk to your child about what they want to do, but YWNBU to let them miss it in order to access urgent medical/psychological support.
Poor kid.

If he took paracetamol then it is essential that he goes to A&E as soon as possible even if he seems fine health wise now. Otherwise I would see how he is, talk to the school, make an appointment and ensure he is supervised at all times.

I agree, it's terrible advice.

I spoke to the school and they backed off putting pressure on my son and allowed him to take his exams in a small room with fewer people. He did well in his exams. If I'd put more pressure on him or ignored him I'm convinced he would have ducked out of it completely.

If the psychologist meant don't show your own anxiety or make it about you, then I agree with that, but never ignore possible mental health issues, especially in young people who are already under pressure. I know loads of young people who didn't do well in particular exams, ducked out altogether or chose other paths and have done really well in the end. Life's a marathon, not a sprint and people who are supported effectively become more resilient over time.

It's English Language GCSE today. One of the easiest to sit again. There are resits in November.
First priority look after son. School may well have someone answering phones from 8 (we do). Check if CAMHS have a crisis number locally you can contact. I'd be on the phone basically.
If he feels up to it but anxious school may be able to arrange a separate room as an emergency access arrangement given the circumstances.
It's a very fraught time for our year 11 and 13 students. Wishing you and your family well.

I'm really not sure it's possible for GPS to 'sign off' is it? For exams?

English Language is one that can more easily. Be careful though that missing it may add to his feelings of inadequacy. Did he get any support last week? What triggered it do you think?

Of course it is. What do you think happens if someone all of a sudden comes down with a physical illness that makes them too ill to attend? Why is a mental health crisis any different?

I mean there'll be a process for it of course. I believe (taking into account it's about 20 years since I did mine) and you can retake if you fail but then there is a top mark you can achieve OR you can have a permitted retake in which you get to retake the exam (e.g. because you missed it due to illness) with no such restriction. I am sure similar is in place now.

@Nordicrain retakes are graded just as initial sitting, no restriction, but there are only opportunities to resit in November(English Lang and Maths) or June. If he can take at least one of the papers he can still receive an assessed grade under special medical consideration even if missing other papers. Speak to the exams officer asap if dc wants to opt out of today's but may still do the next . You would need evidence from a hcp.

Info from BMA.

@Winterdays200
this resource is aimed at uni students but has a very short online training on reducing suicide risks https://www.zerosuicidealliance.com/

it might be helpful in supporting you to best manage this crisis

Please get medical help immediately,A&E if needs be. He needs to be assessed urgently. What is an exam compared to the life of your child?

I don’t know if this is the “right” course of action but if I were in your shoes, I’d be sacking off the GCSE’s immediately. I dont say that lightly as getting an excellent education is very important in my household.

But your boy is very ill. He has attempted suicide. This is way more than anxiety. It is a mental health crisis situation. GCSE’s can be resat easily enough.

I would focus on getting him the help he needs first, everything else can wait until he is well enough to sit them.

Ok, so to you point they need evidence from a hcp. Which, last I heard, a GP is. Like I said, there's a process but of course but yes people can miss exams due to illness. Mental or otherwise. Not quite a sick note granted, but that was just turn of phrase really. I specifically said there would be a process.

Does he actually want to miss the exam? Or will that just make his anxiety even worse?
You need to keep a close eye on him, reaffirm that exams and results are certainly not the be all and end all, there's many many roads to success and that no matter what you're proud of him, you love him and you believe in him.

GPS can't do anything. A specialist can. Not a 'health care professional'.

It's important that people know these things before blithely giving advice to the OP.

I’m sorry you’re both going through this. What a great friend he has that she’s come forward and told you.

One exam won’t define his life but if for him one exam is ruining his life then skip it. Exams and qualifications are important but they are not the be all and end all. My dh doesn’t have any qualifications but after working for a company for 13 years, he is now the manager and makes more money than me who has a masters degree.

He said he doesn’t know why he’s feeling like this, that’s common, a lot of people with depression can’t pinpoint what’s causing him to feel like that.

Don’t leave him alone, make sure you’re popping in his room quite frequently and keep him in your sight. Contact your doctors, or 111 and try get him seen quickly. He won’t like it, he will get upset and angry about talking to professionals but right now you both need support.

Whenever you’re ready, phone the school and tell them what’s happening. The school will support you both and if he does want to take the exam then there are things they can do to help him.