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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
AlfietheSchnauzer · 05/06/2023 09:19

Tiredskin · 04/06/2023 22:51

I dunno. 20 years ago my new boyfriend suggested I bring him on holidays cos he was broke and I had come into money. I was furious with this suggestion. But I played it cool and said no. Now we're married 15 years and I know he's very generous and would have easily brought me on holidays. We just have very different attitudes to money.

He sounds lovely ConfusedConfusedHmm

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/06/2023 09:52

__Give your ring to me-- I'll look after your ring for you OP and who he queries where it is tell him you have to sell it to pay the bailiffs or you would have lost your house.

If he leaves friction burns on the pavement from his about-turn and rapid retreat, you will know exactly where you stand with him.

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/06/2023 09:53

*Strike out fail . . . <ashamed>

Manthide · 05/06/2023 10:34

Dd2 and her dh have well paid jobs and we're on low income benefits. Generally when we visit they take us out for a meal (we wouldn't mind just having beans on toast at their home). They live in an expensive city so even a burger in a pub is over £15. I always tell my ds ( hollow legs) not to go for the most expensive item on the menu and follow dd2's lead eg if she's having a dessert then he can have one, if not he's not to ask for one. Dd2 has a ds and nursery is very expensive and they are moving home soon.

SwankyPants · 05/06/2023 10:50

Bloody hell let's ignore the point of the thread and attack and grill the OP!
And just because you've never heard of the phrase 'living on toast' or 'beans on toast' doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
We say living on beans on toast if we've had a tight month. Even though I love beans on toast and quite happily eat it as a main meal

PuddlesPityParty · 05/06/2023 15:38

AlfietheSchnauzer · 05/06/2023 09:19

He sounds lovely ConfusedConfusedHmm

Show quote history

Yes, because you know exactly what he’s like from that one comment. Ffs get a grip.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 05/06/2023 16:15

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/06/2023 09:52

__Give your ring to me-- I'll look after your ring for you OP and who he queries where it is tell him you have to sell it to pay the bailiffs or you would have lost your house.

If he leaves friction burns on the pavement from his about-turn and rapid retreat, you will know exactly where you stand with him.

😁 thanks Viper xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 05/06/2023 16:19

SwankyPants · 05/06/2023 10:50

Bloody hell let's ignore the point of the thread and attack and grill the OP!
And just because you've never heard of the phrase 'living on toast' or 'beans on toast' doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
We say living on beans on toast if we've had a tight month. Even though I love beans on toast and quite happily eat it as a main meal

I know, I felt like I should have posted my bank statements and character references from my children when all I wanted was some indication as to whether or not I was being unreasonable 🤣. Thanks all who answered the actual questions and to everyone else I hope you enjoyed the Chinese Whispers. You've only got £100 left for the month being my absolute favourite comment 🤣🤣🤣 x

OP posts:
Margerine78 · 05/06/2023 17:51

He's a cheeky fuck. I had a now ex mate who would always allow me to pay the lion's share even when I was struggling, I made excuses for her. I've since learnt that the best way to analyse any fuckery is to take the emotion out of it and look at it objectively - would you have been conscious of the cost and ordered less?, or perhaps you might've said 'I'm hungry and want extra, so let's go halves on this one'? If the answer is yes to either of those, it means you are not morally suited to this greedy, selfish, thoughtless man. He's simply not good enough for you - and it'll get worse not better.

Thirdtrimester · 05/06/2023 18:10

I’d say he will become even stingier/more of a freeloader in a proper relationship, OP. If he can’t be generous when trying to impress in the dating stage, I wouldn’t think there’s much hope for later tbh but that’s just me. But I cannot stand tightfistedness. I find it a massive turn off as someone who is generous - most of all with people I love/are fond of!

PIKNIK20 · 05/06/2023 18:23

mainsfed · 04/06/2023 11:58

YANBU. Have one more meal with him at his expense, order 3 courses and lots of drinks. Don’t finish one drink.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Then dump him.

exactly so

midsomermurderess · 05/06/2023 19:15

mainsfed · 04/06/2023 11:58

YANBU. Have one more meal with him at his expense, order 3 courses and lots of drinks. Don’t finish one drink.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Then dump him.

Who can be bothered behaving like that. If you are getting a bad feeling from him, end it.

caramelbambii · 05/06/2023 19:28

In general I used to think whoever initiates the date should cover the expenses but different factors do play into it sometimes. You should always add £50 or so extra on top of your budget just so you're prepared. If you planned to spend £70 but mentally noted an extra £50 to cover expenses which is a total of £120 and ended up paying £100 it's above your original budget but it will hurt less knowing you still spent less than you fully prepared for! It helps with the surprise that sometimes comes when the bill arrives. I'm a strong minded person so if I had my mind set on a budget and his extra drinks would mean going over it I would just tell him to pay for what he ordered outside of the budget, you'd still be paying the majority anyway. Now if I were to accept going on a date, I rather just be comfortable ordering whatever I want and just pay for my own and make it clear I'll cover my own expenses. No burdens, no awkward discussion on the cost. I'll just pay for what I actually eat and drink. Considering you have a child and other priorities, when it's your turn you shouldn't suggest an idea more expensive than usual if you aren't fully comfortable covering the full cost especially if he doesn't do the same. You will set the tone and certain expectations for him if he's a freeloader. Either he'll see you're a woman who isn't of cheap taste and try match up to it to impress to show he's serious or he'll remain cheap and if this turns into a serious dating level you have to think if that's the type of lifestyle you'd like in a new partner. I can't give too much of an opinion based on a stranger, you know more about him. Perhaps he earns less and wouldn't go to the place you suggested and just took the opportunity he can't provide for himself or maybe next time he'll top it off even better. Nevertheless I suggest going 50/50 is the way forward for you, you'll get to enjoy the dating experience without the financial burden.

Back21970 · 05/06/2023 19:29

Some of these responses are annoying me on the OP’s behalf.

Yes, you could have been a bit more assertive at the time, but I totally get what you are saying - not at all unreasonable to budget £50 for a couple of mains and a drink.

I think he took advantage and it be major red flags for me, reminds me of an Ex I bought concert tickets for as as a treat, I queued up at the bar for drinks cause he wanted to go outside to smoke and he shouted to me that I may as well get doubles to save queuing again, no mention of him paying 😂

Tightwad, but more than happy to splash out when it was my turn to pay, took me a few years and probably several thousand quid to realise it though 😂😂😂

midsomermurderess · 05/06/2023 19:30

SummerSimmer · 04/06/2023 16:58

I thought the toast or baked beans on toast was a widely used expression.

It is. There are some proper odd bods on this thread, even shoe-horning in mentions of food banks to upbraid her for using a common and garden expression.

artsperson · 05/06/2023 19:32

He's taking the mick. Run!

PrancersDancer · 05/06/2023 19:38

You’ve only been seeing him a few weeks and you’re questioning the relationship. Get out now he’s taking the piss x

Daffodilwoman · 05/06/2023 19:42

I’d go with the advice to return to the restaurant and let him pay. Order the most expensive things on the menu plus starter and main. Then order drinks and ask for them to be put on the bill. Don’t drink them and watch his response.

clpsmum · 05/06/2023 19:49

Cancel the night away asap

NutellaNut · 05/06/2023 19:53

Can’t understand why you’re getting such flack from some people on here! The majority agree YANBU. You made your situation clear up thread, but it would have been useful to have raised the issue earlier with him. But hey, you live and learn! It is pretty weird that he asked the value of your ring. I doubt most guys would even notice. Still, I agree with others who said next time when it’s his turn, order 3 full courses and drinks. Only after that should you turn say ‘let’s spilt the bill from here on, or just pay for what we ordered.’ If he’s a decent bloke he’d probably say ‘fair enough’. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

TheCatterall · 05/06/2023 20:26

@TheSnootiestFox oh dear lord… I say that I’m living on porridge for the week/month. Im now worried people will actually take this literally.

Frances0911 · 05/06/2023 20:27

No I think he's been extremely cheeky. He probably knows that you're depending on him helping you on the trip, and knew you'd just go ahead and pay rather than rock the boat.

porridgeisbae · 05/06/2023 20:42

oh dear lord… I say that I’m living on porridge for the week/month. Im now worried people will actually take this literally.

@TheCatterall Aww quick we need to get you a food parcel. Smile

immigrant002 · 05/06/2023 20:53

He doesn't pay for dates ? Massive turn off

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 05/06/2023 20:56

Lord what an absolute ass 😂 Honestly. I’d only consider staying for a while if the sex is good, like really good and even then only for a few months. What a proper idiot this guy is

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