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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pools and neighbourhood kids

351 replies

Imdonewithsergio · 04/06/2023 08:48

do your neighbours automatically assume their children can use your kids paddling pool? We have one neighbour who will literally send her child out with her swimming costume on if our pool is out. Child is 4. We have a large family (5 kids under 8). So I don’t feel comfortable having another little boy to add to the mix. I’ve tried speaking to them but I’m made out to be a selfish killjoy. The child in question is absolutely wild and my own kids give up and end up out the pool. She also sends her child into other neighbours gardens to use their pool/slide/water table/trampoline etc. it’s getting to the point I dread sunny days as this child just assumes they can come in here and use everything (the pool in particular bothers me as it’s the safety aspect. My youngest is 3 months old so I’m fairly busy as it is, trying to deal with a baby and watch my own young kids in water. Even with DH here it we are keeping a constant eye on them).

Am I just being miserable though?

OP posts:
OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 04/06/2023 10:23

Spiky plants all along the boarder! She can’t lift him over if they are there.

Then a proper height fence.

Plumbear2 · 04/06/2023 10:24

Todayissunny · 04/06/2023 10:20

Put it in writing to her.

I agree with this. You have told her and it hasn't worked, so now go to the next level

SchoolShenanigans · 04/06/2023 10:28

Lift him back over then. Say no, we already have enough kids to watch, sorry.

You have to be firm, it's your house, your garden, your pool. They're taking advantage of you.

duc748 · 04/06/2023 10:30

I feel a bit sorry for little Tommy (or whatever his name is), too. He's getting some bad life lessons from his mum, which probably won't help his future peer popularity.

frustratednomad · 04/06/2023 10:40

Knock this on the head NOW! neighbour could be lifting their child over when you are out and no one to supervise, it doesn't bear thinking about what could happen. You should not have to be responsible for the safety of a neighbours child whether you are there or not.

CreepingJenny · 04/06/2023 10:41

SchoolShenanigans · 04/06/2023 10:28

Lift him back over then. Say no, we already have enough kids to watch, sorry.

You have to be firm, it's your house, your garden, your pool. They're taking advantage of you.

This!

How very bizarre they do this with their child 🤯

NewPinkJacket · 04/06/2023 10:43

I have genuinely never heard anything so wet lettuce-like in my life.

OP, be an adult and put an immediate stop to it.

Hellno45 · 04/06/2023 10:44

I would put a note through the door. Please don't assume that child is able to come and play. I have my hands full and am unable to supervise another child. If you send him over without prior arrangement he will be returned to you immediately.

Then stick to it every time. If the kids upset its upset because if its mother not respecting boundaries.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 10:46

Imdonewithsergio · 04/06/2023 09:06

It’s a smallish (3ft) fence between our gardens and they literally lift him over. We are looking at getting bigger fences this summer.

Show quote history

Lift him back over and say, "We are not inviting anyone else over today. You should ask permission and just not assume that other people are going to watch your child. Do not do this again, as the same result will happen."

She is getting free babysitting or she would just go buy her own pool. She is using you and you have let her. It's never too late to say, "No longer will I tolerate this."

Weallgottachangesometime · 04/06/2023 10:46

Imdonewithsergio · 04/06/2023 09:22

I think they don’t mind him now and again but they want to be able to play without him there constantly. You can tell they get fed up and they end up wanting to come inside quite often when he is there. They absolutely assume that if we are out, he can just come in. Regardless of what we are doing. They do it with another set of our neighbours and they get fed up too as it doesn’t matter if they have guests etc- they just send their son over then disappear inside.

Show quote history

They do it because you allow it. You are allowing it at the expense of your children’s enjoyment too.

Don’t get me wrong I am naturally a people pleaser who is passive and doesn’t like conflict. However I’ve worked hard over the last few years to be assertive and direct with people. Let me tell you…in the long run it’s a lot less stressful. Instead of having difficult situations dragging on for ages and feeling shit about how people treat me, I now have a direct conversation and sort this issue. Short term pain, long term gain.

You need to sort this or it’ll be going on for years. And what next. Leaving him with you while they go out?

billy1966 · 04/06/2023 10:47

No not normal.

This is the behaviour of a cheeky fxxker who has decided to use you for childcare.

They are not your friend and do not care about upsetting you.

Best to be very firm and if you upset them, so be it.

The alternative is you ARE responsible for their young child.

I wouldn't be entertaining it in any form.

itsgettingweird · 04/06/2023 10:51

It’s a smallish (3ft) fence between our gardens and they literally lift him over. We are looking at getting bigger fences this summer.

Wow Shock they really are cheeky fuckers.

Could you get something along the fences as a stop gap? Trellis your side attached to the fence to make it taller or even those trellis planters? I'd actually be tempted with so many little ones to get the trellis planters and use one as a sand pit, one for them to do their own planting, another for something like outdoor plastic toy storage.

CantBeArsedOrAsked · 04/06/2023 10:51

YABU for putting up with it.
Why are so many m'netters such complete wimps??

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/06/2023 10:54

If you are worried about bad feelings when you put up the trellis/fence/fake ivy you can always claim you did it to increase the shade in your garden to protect the children in the Summer. Also, she has a lot more to lose than you do. She wants you as free child minding and if she totally pisses you off all opportunities for that are going to vanish into the sunset. She needs to be nice on the off chance that down the road you will help her out. You on the other hand are only going to lose looking after a poorly behaved four year old on top of your children which is no loss at all.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/06/2023 10:56

itsgettingweird · 04/06/2023 10:51

It’s a smallish (3ft) fence between our gardens and they literally lift him over. We are looking at getting bigger fences this summer.

Wow Shock they really are cheeky fuckers.

Could you get something along the fences as a stop gap? Trellis your side attached to the fence to make it taller or even those trellis planters? I'd actually be tempted with so many little ones to get the trellis planters and use one as a sand pit, one for them to do their own planting, another for something like outdoor plastic toy storage.

She should not have to spend money & faff around with trellises.

Just TELL them he can't come over. They aren't worried about offending you; why are you so worried about their reaction? It's all their fault for wanting to offload the kid for free babysitting.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/06/2023 10:57

Your CF neighbour probably has a list of excuses Op but she's taught her DS one very bad lesson _ you don't have to ask you just do as you like. He's only four now but if you don't address this with his Mum it's going to get worse. if he can't be lifted over she'll be at your front door and it's harder to say No when her DC's there. Yes, put up a higher fence but you're still going to have to be straight with her, playdates by invitation only.

ShimmeringShirts · 04/06/2023 10:58

If they lift him over the fence you say no, he’s not welcome. If they walk away you put him back over the fence or call social services for a child abandoned at your property (would only need to do this once, the stupid bitch would stop sending him over after that but neighbourly relations would be destroyed). I don’t understand why people have such an issue standing up for themselves.

itsgettingweird · 04/06/2023 10:59

Agree Zelda but she's mentioned that she's looking at fencing anyway for more privacy so I was suggesting a cheaper option and alternative.

Sunshineishere1988 · 04/06/2023 11:00

Imdonewithsergio · 04/06/2023 09:06

It’s a smallish (3ft) fence between our gardens and they literally lift him over. We are looking at getting bigger fences this summer.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t have less than a 6ft fence ever (all our neighbours are lovely) but you need a proper boundary between your garden and your neighbours. Its also very bad parenting (by your neighbour) that the Mum/Dad are happy to stick their child into someone elses garden and not supervise them in the water.

Trinity65 · 04/06/2023 11:04

What a CF

Are you youngish OP? I am only asking this as I might not have once said anything but with age came assertiveness
I will come sort the CF out for You :)
YANBU of course.

LlynTegid · 04/06/2023 11:05

No is a complete sentence. If the neighbours hate you for it, then that's their problem.

Even if the child was angelic the answer should still be the same.

QueenieMe · 04/06/2023 11:08

Every time they lift him over, put him back and say firmly 'sorry, not today'. Then rinse and repeat until they get the message.

Fraaahnces · 04/06/2023 11:14

Also tell the kid “No. Go home.” Every time.

BHRK · 04/06/2023 11:16

No I’m not looking after your child. Buy your own pool

Meeting · 04/06/2023 11:18

This sounds like an absolute nightmare. The only way to deal with people like this is to be blunt.

Make it a priority to sort the fence asap, even if only with a temporary solution.