Pools and neighbourhood kids

[Imdonewithsergio]

do your neighbours automatically assume their children can use your kids paddling pool? We have one neighbour who will literally send her child out with her swimming costume on if our pool is out. Child is 4. We have a large family (5 kids under 8). So I don’t feel comfortable having another little boy to add to the mix. I’ve tried speaking to them but I’m made out to be a selfish killjoy. The child in question is absolutely wild and my own kids give up and end up out the pool. She also sends her child into other neighbours gardens to use their pool/slide/water table/trampoline etc. it’s getting to the point I dread sunny days as this child just assumes they can come in here and use everything (the pool in particular bothers me as it’s the safety aspect. My youngest is 3 months old so I’m fairly busy as it is, trying to deal with a baby and watch my own young kids in water. Even with DH here it we are keeping a constant eye on them).

Am I just being miserable though?

I'd be lifting him back every time. If asked why I'd just say I don't want him here. You've tried to raise it politely and been rebuffed, time to be blunt. I don't think you should have to increase your fence height but honestly I would be looking to do this too as I'd be worried about them sneaking him back in when you're not looking, perhaps when your whole family have gone inside - huge safety risk which his parents seem happy to pass into you! I dont think you need to replace the fence itself but fix a trellis to it to raise the overall height.

They should teach assertiveness classes in school. I don't understand people that can't say no. Where does this get you? In the end you only have yourself to blame.

and claim he gets bored playing alone

Did you have all 5 children because of a strangers child become bored? The child’s entertainment isn’t your problem. He has parents and two teen siblings who could entertain him and no doubt grandparents as well.

Not your circus.

Put up a trellis to stop them popping him into your garden.
Tell them you can’t watch him as you have enough of your own kids to care for.
Tell them he can be a bit rough and what happens if he injures one of your younger ones.
They need to entertain him themselves, that what parents do. They arent bothering as at the moment you are.
Tell them it’s trespass if they send him into your garden again without permission.
If they start knocking on the door and asking say no. Whenever your kids want to play in the rear communal area no one’s stopping him going there but your garden is your private space and not shared.

Id be furious if my neighbour thought they could do this.
I think you do however need to have a word with them and not just block access because they will simply find another way.

This is one for bright, cheery firmness. Since suggestions on here won't exactly help neighbourly relations. Neighbour is taking the piss but at the same time they have no reason to think you're unhappy with the arrangement, and hey, what's one more kid to you while hers gets some buddies.

Bright, cheery "not today Tom I'm afraid, we're having a quiet day just us today". Every time. If the neighbour has any sense she'll get the hint and everyone can remain cordial.

He goes back over the fence every single time.
I'm just curious about exactly how this happens. Does she come to the fence when you are there and lift him over? In which case, what does she say and what do you say? Or does she sneak him over when you aren't watching and he's suddenly there?
You have allowed this by not reacting the very first time and saying, no, he can't come over the fence, I'm not in a position to supervise him.
Get the fence height increased asap and meanwhile lift him back over the fence every time she does it. Say to her he can't play any more because he doesn't play well with your children and you are not prepared to take on the responsibility of supervising to make sure he doesn't have an accident, especially with water involved.
Tbh I'd probably put the pool away until I got the higher fence.

So what if she calls you a selfish killjoy or whatever. It's not your responsibility to entertain him. She could try playing with him herself in her own garden or arranging playdates with people he knows from nursery or whatever else parents do to keep their child amused in the holidays.

I don't know if it's my age (46) but I have no tolerance for any shit like this any more and I've become assertive enough to stop situations like this immediately at the first sign of any cheeky fuckery. I say no to lots of people a lot and it feels much better than when I used to try to people please and not be able to see no. If they get offended and want to call me names or go in a huff, I do not give a flying fuck.

Be firm but friendly. Say no and put him back over the fence.

The mark of a true CF is to moan and protest when you try to stop them. You tried and got made out to be a selfish killjoy. A normal person would have been embarrassed to inconvenience others. She is clearly a CF and I would give her a hard no, never lift child over the fence and never assume he can play with your kids. You don’t even need a reason - push it back on her - ask her why she puts him over with no invitation having been made or why she thinks it’s ok to force you to supervise another child without even asking. Absolutely outrageous and needs stopping immediately. What when you get more equipment?

Bribe yours with a tenner each and send them around to CFs house in their swimsuits.
Get the eldest (maybe offer an extra fiver) to tell them "It's your turn to have us round...and we'll be here all week...where's ALL the crisps and pop???"

It might work?
It might not?

If it doesn't, firmly grab 4yo and return to parents next time it turns up.

Well as an ex people pleaser and conflict avoider, I’ll clear that mystery up for you. People who do this have often grown up with a parent who is abusive and do anything to avoid confrontation as a result - consciously or subconsciously. My father was angry and violent and it turned me into a confrontation avoidant people pleaser. I didn’t even realise for years- it’s an ingrained behaviour. I smoothed over and avoided lots of conflict. Fortunately menopause fixed it for me and I’ll now say whatever I want and don’t care. And I’ve cut my father off.

Why don’t you send her a text?
Hello Neighbour, just to let you know that we are no longer able to look after your little one in our garden. Please don’t allow him over the fence any more.
I think I am a good neighbour, but this would drive me bonkers, OP. The assumption from CF neighbour is way over the boundaries of normal social interaction. Say no.

I worry about people pleasers like yourself as in this case you are putting your neighbours feelings above your children's, and thats awful.

Her thinking is “one more won’t hurt/make any difference” Well it does. I’d be fuming

Wtf ! Lift him back over and tell him to go to his parents

I can’t believe people actually do this, I would never dream of doing it!
You are definitely not being unreasonable and you need to be more firm 💐

You have my sympathies, you really do. I started a thread about my neighbours. My neighbour has told me I’m not the friend she thought I was going to be when I moved in 4 years ago. She thought we would help each other as we have similar age small children. But in reality this means she thought I would be helpful to her! I had 2 years of her asking me to look after her children so she could go to Tesco/pop out etc and I said no. On one occasion she literally put her children over the fence and told me she was going to Tesco and didn’t want to take them with her!!! I had a newborn at the time

Her children ask repeatedly to come in to our garden or house to play. I’ve even heard her telling them to ask me! I’ve even told them off because I’ve caught them trying to climb over the fence in to our garden.

Last Sunday my neighbours son aged 6 spent 3 HOURS standing on a chair looking over the fence asking to play in our garden. His mum ignored the behaviour, I could see her and she completely ignored it! He even said ‘My mum said to ask you if I can come in your garden’. She’s a really lazy parent and does nothing with her children. I feel sorry for her children but I won’t be used as free childcare so she can sit and watch tv.

We’re now looking in to putting up a higher fence without removing the shared fence because they have refused to allow us to put up a higher fence!!

say no and pop him back

Make a lasagne then hop yourself over the fence and into their kitchen to just pop it in their oven.

Or nip in at dinner time with a plate and help yourself. When they ask what you’re doing head tilt and say “oh, is this not what we are doing now?”

My advice would be to pack everyone up in the car, drive to B&Q/Wilkos/The Range/diy shop of your choice, get some cheap trellis that you could attach to your fence with cable ties if necessary. Get home & fix to fence, and only then would I let the kids out to play in their pool. Neighbour comes out to find that their path is blocked. Then you can say that you're having a family only day, no neighbours or friends.

This!

Bloody hell I wouldn't be having that.

Lift him back, tell them wtf do you think you're playing at? Their son has no right to your garden or your things,they're merely teaching him to trespass.

If you want him round you'll invite him but in the meantime tell them to cut it out immediately.

She is being incredibly rude. You say you are doubting yourself because she thinks it’s no big deal, and that’s how people like this get away with things, they make you feel like you’re the unreasonable one, and they do it to people they know won’t want to cause any kind of confrontation. Put the idea of offending her out of your mind- you probably will annoy her, and it doesn’t matter in the slightest. Lift him right back over ‘I can’t watch Jamie as well as my own kids Linda, please don’t keep lifting him over’ and then don’t worry about what she thinks!

Blows my mind that people like this exist, I am awed at the brass balls of some.
When my niece was little (she's 21 now) she would stay at my mum and dad's (her grandparents) while my sister worked. My mum and dad's neighbours had children of a similar age to my niece and they would constantly jump the fence to "play" ...which actually involved them just using all nieces toys and trampoline etc because their parents didn't like to clutter up their garden. Never once did they invite niece over but happily watched their kids scale the fence and then sat back reading books or doing their immaculate boring garden. In the end my mum had a enough and would send them back immediately. The kids even used to try and stand outside watching through the window when mum and dad ate their tea! All ended when my mum lost her shit at the parents when the nine year old girl turned up in the garden bloody stark naked jumping on the trampoline when niece wasn't even there. Some people just push and push and need to be told however uncomfortable that makes being a neighbour.

Sometimes I don’t know it’s happened til it’s happened as I’ll be indoors getting my own kids win suits etc on. Other times, I’ve been there and they will literally just say to their son “behave while you’re in there” or “have fun” and walk away. When I have said anything they have said that I’m being a bit selfish as he can see our kids playing and feels left out. Or that it’s essentially tantamount to bullying for him to be excluded.

School holidays coming up as well. Best get fence or whatever sorted out before then.