Pools and neighbourhood kids

[Imdonewithsergio]

do your neighbours automatically assume their children can use your kids paddling pool? We have one neighbour who will literally send her child out with her swimming costume on if our pool is out. Child is 4. We have a large family (5 kids under 8). So I don’t feel comfortable having another little boy to add to the mix. I’ve tried speaking to them but I’m made out to be a selfish killjoy. The child in question is absolutely wild and my own kids give up and end up out the pool. She also sends her child into other neighbours gardens to use their pool/slide/water table/trampoline etc. it’s getting to the point I dread sunny days as this child just assumes they can come in here and use everything (the pool in particular bothers me as it’s the safety aspect. My youngest is 3 months old so I’m fairly busy as it is, trying to deal with a baby and watch my own young kids in water. Even with DH here it we are keeping a constant eye on them).

Am I just being miserable though?

And you need to protect yourself, honestly. What happens if her kid gets injured or worse in your yard? You could absolutely be held responsible.

This is my main concern. It’s not like because I have more children I also have extra hands and eyes for dealing with them. So I’m already feeling a bit stretched on pool days as it’s a lot. Someone wants to go inside for a wee and you need to take them all out the water for example. Adding another child to the mix just feels like a lot to ask.

I absolutely agree. I think I need to grow a pair and be firmer today.

This. I can’t believe how brazen she is. Unbelievable.

You need to be firm and say no. Put your own kids first. The cheek of her putting him over the fenc!

Practice some stock phrases.

"no not today, we're too busy"

"we're not having visitors today, sorry"

"please don't lift him over, we're having a family day today"

You really need to.

Why are you averse to being seen as selfish by a cheeky fucker intent on taking advantage of you? Let her rant and stomp her feet, that’s not your problem or something you need to give the slightest shit about.

Good luck! And I'd be getting a taller fence this week!

I can't believe the child is 4!!!!!

Christ, she just lifts her child over the fence without asking? I’d be lifting him straight back, that is incredibly cheeky.

I’d be getting some 8ft fences before the summer holidays as well.

We bought a house with a three-foot fence. The first thing I did garden-wise was arrange to replace it was a 6 foot replacement.

How long is the shared part of the lower fence? Is there something you can temporarily place there to block off access to where they’re dropping him over? I’m thinking bamboo screening or those fake ivy trellises you can get from The Range.

The long term solution is as a pp said about, categorically saying you don’t want to look after him. Saying they don’t play well together and you’re not happy supervising another child around water, full stop.

You need to start putting firm boudaries down with this parent (because the parent is the problem), otherwise you’ll set a precedent that is harder to break. Decide today that you are now going to allow him over, unless you want to. Prepare some responses ahead so you don’t have to try to think on your feet.

eg) if she lifts him over the fence -“sorry we can’t have Tommy over at the moment. We are having family only time”.

eg) if Tommy walks in the garden uninvited. “Sorry Tommy you can’t play right now. We having family time sorry. If you want to play please knock on the front door and ask”.

Do you children ever like playing with him? If not then just always say no. Until they know they can’t just come over.

we have got quite close to our neighbours and I do genuinely enjoy their kids playing with ours, however I have had to be firm to stop it being an automatic assumption they can come over whenever they want. Their oldest simply walked in my house via the side door a few weeks ago and I was like “what are you doing just walking in my house. When you come around you need to knock at the front door” and I made him leave and go to the front door and knock. I have also been mindful to say “sorry you can’t play right now because I want quiet time.” A few times to show that they can’t always just come over.

When others lack boudaries you need to be firm and enforce them.

I think because I don’t want an awkward relationship when I’m stuck living beside them for years but by the same token this isn’t sustainable for years either as it suck the joy out of days in the garden.

Honestly you can also think of it as modelling being assertive for your own children .

That’s a great idea actually- I’ll ask DH to have a look in the range and Homebase on his days off.

It just wouldn’t enter my mind to do that!!! Not only that I’ve seen people on the marketplace literally giving pools away because they’ve upgraded etc this time of year! It’s definitely to get her child out of her hair!

Yeah but the child’s mother doesn’t give a shit about creating an awkward atmosphere does she, so why should you?

It might mean a few dirty looks when putting the bins out, and the end of her taking in the occasional parcel for you, but she’ll know that you can’t be taken advantage of and that’s worth more.

I think they don’t mind him now and again but they want to be able to play without him there constantly. You can tell they get fed up and they end up wanting to come inside quite often when he is there. They absolutely assume that if we are out, he can just come in. Regardless of what we are doing. They do it with another set of our neighbours and they get fed up too as it doesn’t matter if they have guests etc- they just send their son over then disappear inside.

I’ll add- they do have a pool. They actually also have a hot tub. But they just send him over if mine is out and claim he gets bored playing alone. He has siblings but they are both in their late teens so no interest in playing with him.

Lift him over!! I had this problem years ago and we solved it by getting 6 foot fencing.

Put all your kids over the fence next time they have the hot tub on 🤣

No I've never experienced this. The only children that come to our back garden have been invited by my children

You could try this but B&M also had fence panels on offer

Just keep lifting him back over with two words not today .
And repeat.

It’s already awkward and making you feel miserable. Policies of appeasement rarely work, they’re just a license for her to continue inflicting herself and her child on you.

Just say no. How do people pleasers get through life doing everything that they don't want to do? Baffles me, it must be so unenjoyable. OP how can you even think that you are being unreasonable? In all honesty, how?