To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

I don't know if it is. I lost my job in lockdown and my parents were very sympathetic, cheered me on for interviews, and would have given me financial help if needed but the responsibility of finding a new role and sorting out my stat redundancy pay from the govt was solely mine to worry about.

I also only told them I was pregnant after the 12 weeks scan as I didn't want them worrying about missed miscarriage for the 6 weeks I had to worry about it!

Perhaps it's a personality thing?

I don’t think it’s unusual @HamBone . I said this the other day on here, but I do think we should all be mindful that ordinary people living ordinary lives will sometimes come across problems in that life, and it doesn’t have to be a huge drama, to be honest.

Wow congratulations on the novel @janeseymour78!!

That is a hard decision. I think maybe though that writing and motherhood are things that could be combined? Albeit you possibly couldn't absorb yourself to the same degree.

I also wonder if being a mother would deepen your writing? It's such a deep complex human experience that might open up new aspects of your writing?

I do think there are not many things in life that can give you such depth of emotion as motherhood. Good and bad.

I really don’t understand why OP is having another baby and I feel desperately sorry for both children.

I have a toddler and pregnant with 2 and absolutely cannot relate to this post at all.

I had some amazing times in my twenties and sure I miss them and I was super happy then but also my life wouldn’t be my twenties on repeat forever? That’s just unrealistic

I think in the past parents weren't expected to help their adult DC with their dramas. I did everything on my own, never asked my parents for any help with money or health problems or MH, but I have noticed mine- or at least one of mine- lean on me more. Parenting has become harder.

I feel the same.

It sounds foolish to say "if I'd known what parenting involved I wouldn't have done it". Like, how could you not know?

But it's true.

I had no idea what parenting involved. You don't, until you have kids, unless you are very close to someone with young kids. But even then, although you may have a better understanding of it, it's not the full picture.

It's stifling. And all encompassing. And draining. And just so bloody hard physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. The weight of responsibility is crushing.

I love my kids but my god they are challenging. They are 6 and 3 and every day is a battle.

I've only just got them into bed and I just feel like going to bed myself because they have trashed the house and I can't face tidying it. The 3 year old was crying that he was hungry right before he went to sleep and this is the first time I haven't pandered to it and have let him go to sleep hungry. He is hungry because he didn't eat his dinner (his favourite) because he "wasn't hungry". It was last offered to him 30mins before bed.

That's what I struggle with. I can feed my kids and brush their teeth and walk them to school / pre-school every day. Not a problem. It's the fighting me every step of the way and just general buggering about and being awkward that I can't stand.

Sorry, bit of a moan, but yeah, I love them, but I was also a lot happier before.

Life isn’t all about being happy and carefree. I think we’ve been sold that by Hollywood films.

There is value and meaning in the hard work of rearing children. Reflecting on our own childhoods and parents, being part of the cycle of human life, finding massive enjoyment in sitting in the sun for five minutes at the end of the day once the baby is in bed.

For everything there is a season. We cannot live in the spring of youth forever.

Life isn’t all about being happy and carefree

Why not? Why shouldn't women want to do something other than have children and stop mattering? It's shit being born a female. You think you matter. You think you're important. But it's all a lie. Because when you have children, you suddenly don't matter anymore and what you want is no longer important.

I think I’m only happy because I have a dh willing to take on half the grunt work. They drive me insane and make simple tasks unnecessarily hard or complicated but they balance that out by being loving and making me laugh. Mine are 11-15 years old and I wouldn’t wish to go back to the baby days. So many posts on Fb wishing dc were little again? No thank you. Did that, they were cute and I don’t regret it but not again thank you.

You are comparing apples and pears and need to try and stop it.

There's nothing wrong with feeling that way at all. I have two lovely young children who I love to bits but I was so much happier before I had kids. I moved out when I was 18 and was always fiercely independent and loved to travel etc. I struggled immensely after my first I had pnd and I think I missed my old life. I'm used to it now and it is what it is but it's still hard

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt
Ah I see your point. I do think some of us transfer our own personality traits onto this ‘being a parent’ business, in that if you’re a worrier you’ll naturally stress about your children more. Probably not healthy this is true.

I do wish I wasn’t as invested in their ‘happiness’ or worried about their mental health as much as I am perhaps. Clearly those parents who don’t appear to worry as much still love their children the same. It doesn’t really prove anything does it.

It’s hard to detach yourself from your kids problems but maybe we should all try, then we’d be a bit happier maybe?

Overall, I find it stifling. Being thethered.

@Newbie198 The irony is that I’m diagnosed with GAD, but I’m not particularly anxious about my children.
Clearly the medication is working. 😂

They have the same parents in common, that will never change. They will both be adults much longer than children. I never liked my siblings when we were young (small age gap) but now all adults with our own children I am really glad to have them.

I am also glad not to be an only child dealing with ageing parents alone.

@SnackSizeRaisin I agree.

I'd hate to be an only child. I do however think that a big age gap will mean it could be harder for the siblings to relate to each other.

I totally get it OP. I am the same. I was way happier, freeier before kids. I am also a creative person and find it really hard even after nearly 10 years to have come back to the person once I was.

But hindsight is a beautiful thing, and I love my kids. Life throws all sort of surprises and I think I now know how to live with them.

I think a big problem is that women seem to do more than their fair share of the parenting. Every couple I know the men don’t seem to lose their freedom after the birth of the child but the woman seems imprisoned in the home. It is quite refreshing to hear a mum talk about this.

i don’t have children and am much older but I don’t regret my choice one little bit. I do love the freedom.

Looking at the comments it seems OP is not alone. I wonder if men were more hands on then women would feel less tied down. It's more common to hear of men maintaining hobbies & careers & boys trips away. Or even just faffing about at home to avoid childcare. Lots of men also stay late at work on purpose to avoid bedtime & volunteer to stay away on work trips. I do think it's harder for women to keep their own personality when they have children?

This is why I never wanted or had children. The responsibility seemed too much and I like to be able to go where I want, when I want etc.

Obviously I'd have had to be less selfish and put my children first and I didn't think that would make me happy.

I've got a stepson now, so I get to do the fun bits without any of the worry etc as ultimately he's not my responsibility, although of course I want him to be happy.

You don't say how old your son is but beyond the early years I don't think you are responsible for his mental well being really, you are only responsible for your part, providing a loving home and guidance with issues that crop up elsewhere. Stuff that happens outside your sphere of influence can't be your responsibility. I mean you will worry about it but it isn't your fault if there are problems in his life.

Several of my friends with kids say if they could go back in time they wouldn't have kids.

For me, i look at the big picture. They are small for a short time and when they are adults i definitely want to have children.

I was a very happy only child too!

Yes, I feel like this at times. It's the constant sibling arguments for me and I have one child with autism.

Having said that I love them massively and can imagine life without them.