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Original poster

To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

308 replies

Licinada · 03/06/2023 16:34

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

OP posts:
MargotMargot123 · 03/06/2023 21:58

Can't...even.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 03/06/2023 21:59

I realised after she was born that my life now belongs to my daughter. But I've never resented it, she is the love of my life and I honestly don't miss anything about life before her apart from lie ins. She's a toddler though and I think fairly soon I will miss going on holiday with my partner etc...I imagine going with her will be a more stressful experience! Your feelings are completely valid, giving up life as your know it for another human is a monumental ask.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 03/06/2023 22:04

JaninaDuszejko · 03/06/2023 16:57

Did you think having children would make you happier? Why? People with children aren't happier than people without children. However, having children is very rewarding work for most people and gives them a great sense of achievement. Presumably you are proud of your son? And think about why you decided to have a second child? You don't think it will make you happy but you must think there will be a positive outcome? That's what you should focus on.

Having a child has made me a billion times happier. I don't see it a lot on MN but I am totally besotted with my 15 mo and I haven't come close to loving anyone like her. Including my husband. It's just a different level. I was happy before I had her but my life without her now would be a dark, dark hole.

AnotherDayOfSun · 03/06/2023 22:05

You say that you preferred only having to look after yourself in the past. But one of the most wonderful things about becoming a parent is how massively you grow as a person by learning to think of other, precious human beings, FIRST. Of course, it's not always easy, but it teaches you about love.

But you are allowed to want some time to yourself, too. In fact, it's healthy for your children to see that mum has her own hobbies and interests, too.

KimberleyClark · 03/06/2023 22:31

This reply has been deleted

This user is a previously banned troll so we have removed their threads and posts.

I was not able to have children. But I was able to retire earlyish (58) and we have a wonderful carefree life.

This notion that if you don't have children you'll still look back at your youth and regret it's passing is so wrong.

KimberleyClark · 03/06/2023 22:40

You say that you preferred only having to look after yourself in the past. But one of the most wonderful things about becoming a parent is how massively you grow as a person by learning to think of other, precious human beings, FIRST. Of course, it's not always easy, but it teaches you about love.

Of course us nom parents know fuck all about love.

forcookssake · 03/06/2023 22:46

Licinada · 03/06/2023 16:34

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

After years of struggling and failing to become a parent I thought I'd go through the rest of life missing a certain happiness but perhaps I needn't be so sure.

Pooterlie · 03/06/2023 23:40

I feel completely differently. It took a long time for me to conceive and struggling with my fertility was the unhappiest time of my life. It's not always easy but my underlying emotion is of happy contentment with motherhood.

SquirrelFan · 04/06/2023 00:11

@SnackSizeRaisin But it could definitely be your fault if your child has problems even when they're grown. I lie awake at night and look back over all the mistakes I made as a parent, and I despair! Mine have a lot of challenges and I know I could have done better. That's what OP means by responsibility - not just that you can't go on a weekend away or write a book or find the cure for cancer and you're stuck wiping the floor around the high chair. It's being responsible for another human being, not only for themselves, and the happiness and joy you wish for them, but for their effect on the world around them. It's huge and overwhelming and terrifying.

PosseGalore · 04/06/2023 05:02

AnotherDayOfSun · 03/06/2023 22:05

You say that you preferred only having to look after yourself in the past. But one of the most wonderful things about becoming a parent is how massively you grow as a person by learning to think of other, precious human beings, FIRST. Of course, it's not always easy, but it teaches you about love.

But you are allowed to want some time to yourself, too. In fact, it's healthy for your children to see that mum has her own hobbies and interests, too.

I hear this a lot from parents - that it teaches them about love. However I see very little evidence of this. Being a parent teaches people to love that one child. The love doesn’t seem to extend to the rest of humanity. In fact I have observed the opposite - many parents are so stressed out that they their behaviour becomes erratic and angry. And I hate seeing parents take that stress out on their children.

Joystir59 · 04/06/2023 05:11

I truly don't understand why many more people dont stay childfree. And why some have two or three. There are so many other interesting and fulfilling ways to live a useful life than having children; than keeping on having children.

PosseGalore · 04/06/2023 05:11

I really hate how my close friend is after having a child. She has a beautiful dd who she loves dearly and she is a wonderful mother. I really respect her. But she seems so depressed these days, especially after the special baby years passed. Her partner does fuck all about the house. It is truly sad to see that my beautiful friend who used to be so smart and well dressed has become a drudge and servant in that household. Every time I go round her Dh is preparing to go out with his mates or resting while she has just come back from work and is on her feet doing chores.

A lot of women are desperate to have kids but I would advise them to think very carefully about who they become parents with because they could so easily end up trapped.

Joystir59 · 04/06/2023 05:14

I sometime think people lack imagination regarding what to do with their life, so opt for parenthood which kind of absolves one from wondering what to do.

PointlessTrophy · 04/06/2023 05:55

PosseGalore · 04/06/2023 05:02

I hear this a lot from parents - that it teaches them about love. However I see very little evidence of this. Being a parent teaches people to love that one child. The love doesn’t seem to extend to the rest of humanity. In fact I have observed the opposite - many parents are so stressed out that they their behaviour becomes erratic and angry. And I hate seeing parents take that stress out on their children.

Show quote history

Quite. Some parents become entirely focussed on that one child and other people’s feelings don’t matter any more. Parenting can make you very selfish. And I say that as a parent. It’s a bit of a trite Hallmark comment to say it teaches you about love.

Zippedydoo123 · 04/06/2023 06:03

It gets much easier once they are settled in secondary school. Every year easier.

Though I recall ds aged 8 being especially sweet lol.

MightWriteNight · 04/06/2023 06:25

Joystir59 · 04/06/2023 05:14

I sometime think people lack imagination regarding what to do with their life, so opt for parenthood which kind of absolves one from wondering what to do.

What an impressively dumb thing to say. Fine if you don’t want kids, but that doesn’t intrinsically make you better or more interesting. I can’t imagine anything more boring than my child free friends who carry on exactly the same as they did 10 years ago. I on the other hand have advanced in my career to a place of security and prestige, travel extensively, write, try new hobbies, all with my son whose wonder at experiencing things
for the first time makes me appreciate these things in a new way, and encourages me to continue trying new things. My life remains mine, just with an awesome sidekick.

MissDynamite23 · 04/06/2023 06:40

i experienced infertility and multiple losses. It was a deeply traumatic time. My first successful pregnancy was (despite the fear) the happiest time of my life. My daughters birth was such a redeeming and empowering experience. The actual parenting after…..not so much. I LOVE my kids, wouldn’t not have them etc etc. but holy shit, I did not realise that it would be so hard. I’d always strived without family support, but parenting without it is so tough. Did also not realise how much it would shine a light on all the unresolved shit that comes from having my own rubbish upbringing or how fragile my coping mechanisms were. The day to day drudgery is also just something else and the experiences I dreamed about - family Sunday lunches, holidays etc are more hard than they are magical. DH and I don’t have any time for each other.

So yes, I many ways, I would be much happier without children. But not having them made me unhappy so I guess I was doomed either way!

MyTruthIsOut · 04/06/2023 07:15

Nobody can understand the drudgery and stress and hardships of being a mother until the baby arrives…..and it’s not like you can send it back. And the pressures and responsibilities that come with having a child are there to stay, irregardless of how old the child is. The demands of being a parent won’t suddenly disappear overnight.

I have two children who I adore….BUT…..life was much more fun before they arrived. Oh how I miss my freedom and the ability to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted with nobody to worry about except myself.

I have a few childless couple friends and sometimes I get very very jealous when I see what kind of life they are able
to lead.

As I said, I love my children, but I feel like I’ve sacrificed a very large part of me, and my life, to them. I know that’s what being a parent is all about, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be sad for the freedom and lifestyle I’ve lost.

Irequireausername · 04/06/2023 07:33

Depends on yourself and your kids really. I can see why some people are unhappy with THEIR kids but ours suit us really well and have only enhanced our lives.

Suppose it's like people who hate marriage. I'd hate marriage if I was married to their partner, but i'm not, so I love being married.

MyTruthIsOut · 04/06/2023 07:36

Irequireausername · 04/06/2023 07:33

Depends on yourself and your kids really. I can see why some people are unhappy with THEIR kids but ours suit us really well and have only enhanced our lives.

Suppose it's like people who hate marriage. I'd hate marriage if I was married to their partner, but i'm not, so I love being married.

So are you saying that people who don’t enjoy being a parent or find it hard, it’s because there’s something wrong with their child?

PointlessTrophy · 04/06/2023 07:47

MightWriteNight · 04/06/2023 06:25

What an impressively dumb thing to say. Fine if you don’t want kids, but that doesn’t intrinsically make you better or more interesting. I can’t imagine anything more boring than my child free friends who carry on exactly the same as they did 10 years ago. I on the other hand have advanced in my career to a place of security and prestige, travel extensively, write, try new hobbies, all with my son whose wonder at experiencing things
for the first time makes me appreciate these things in a new way, and encourages me to continue trying new things. My life remains mine, just with an awesome sidekick.

Show quote history

I on the other hand have advanced in my career to a place of security and prestige, travel extensively, write, try new hobbies, all with my son whose wonder at experiencing things for the first time makes me appreciate these things in a new way

MN brags really amuse me and make me cringe at the same time. Do you talk like this in real life?!

MightWriteNight · 04/06/2023 07:53

PointlessTrophy · 04/06/2023 07:47

I on the other hand have advanced in my career to a place of security and prestige, travel extensively, write, try new hobbies, all with my son whose wonder at experiencing things for the first time makes me appreciate these things in a new way

MN brags really amuse me and make me cringe at the same time. Do you talk like this in real life?!

Show quote history

How is it a brag? It’s my life. I was responding to a comment that people who have kids lack imagination to do anything else. Sorry that me not hating my life now that I’m a mother and actually enjoying it bothers you so much. Must be hard 🙄

Tekkentime · 04/06/2023 07:58

MightWriteNight · 04/06/2023 07:53

How is it a brag? It’s my life. I was responding to a comment that people who have kids lack imagination to do anything else. Sorry that me not hating my life now that I’m a mother and actually enjoying it bothers you so much. Must be hard 🙄

Show quote history

I agree. We've done so many things that even our childfree friends have not. Life doesn't have to stop and didn't for us. We've had a great time living abroad, starting businesses etc. Many of our friends with kids have also gone on to have interesting and fun lives.

Life's largely what you make it.

Newtt · 04/06/2023 07:59

I have read all the OP posts, but not the entire thread, so apologies if this has already been mentioned...

This is a very broad generalisation, but I think many of the parents who feel like OP often have partners who don't take much of the load - their partner may 'babysit' by arrangement so they can go out etc...

I think it compounds the feelings of wishing for your pre-baby past freedoms when you see your partner swanning off to their hobbies, their mates, no concern for how the next INSET / child sickness day is going to be covered etc - basically their pre-baby life and career continuing whilst still having a family provided for them.

PointlessTrophy · 04/06/2023 08:08

MightWriteNight · 04/06/2023 07:53

How is it a brag? It’s my life. I was responding to a comment that people who have kids lack imagination to do anything else. Sorry that me not hating my life now that I’m a mother and actually enjoying it bothers you so much. Must be hard 🙄

Show quote history

I am happy with my kids and life. But I can see why others find it tough.

You not seeing how your post about prestige etc comes across says it all. You clearly do talk like this to people!

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