To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

@Joystir59 thick comment of the week there

Oh yeah, I forgot you’re not allowed to be proud when you reach a level of respect and recognition in your career field on mumsnet, apologies! I was saying my experience of motherhood was very different from ‘drudgery’ and ‘losing myself’.

Not sure what you’re on about with the way I talk to people, clearly I do ok. You, however, seem quite pedantic. But whatever, you definitely sound really happy.

Having a child has made me a billion times happier. I don't see it a lot on MN but I am totally besotted with my 15 mo and I haven't come close to loving anyone like her. Including my husband. It's just a different level. I was happy before I had her but my life without her now would be a dark, dark hole.

It might be a dark, dark hole if you lost her, but it wouldn't have been a dark, dark hole if you had never had her.

Maybe I live in a parallel universe but I just can't relate to the moaning that a lot of parents do.

I love being a mum. Sometimes I jokingly agree with moaners, like how men go along with jokes about the old ball and chain, but I don't actually mean it. 😂

I was happier before having ds. But ds is severely disabled and parenting was stressful beyond belief.

I think it is incredibly easy to get caught in a life or what could have been.

I lost my own parents very young, and it’s easy to imagine in a life of what ifs that they were kind, loving, supportive parents and grandparents. But I’m remembering them at 50 and 68, not the age they would be now - they’d both be 78. As well as being flawed humans anyway, they wouldn’t be the same people at the point when they died.

The parallel life you long for (and I mean that you generally, not aimed at the OP) is nothing more than an illusion or a mirage. It is not real. Of course, there will be some exceptions to this but for most of you, without children, you wouldn’t be jet setting round the world. You wouldn’t be having cocktails in cosmopolitan city bars every weekend, you wouldn’t be enjoying passionate sex every morning in immaculate white sheets and if you were, someone would have to wash and change them, and who’s that going to be?

Drudgery is always going to exist, unless you have so much wealth you can outsource it all and that’s just not realistic for most people. And children do involve a certain amount of drudgery. I’m not being smug here, I adore my two year old but there have been so many times I’ve found spending the day with him so lonely, dull, long and frustrating. Not him personally: he’s two!

There is NOTHING wrong with ‘my god this is hard’ but I do think sometimes be careful what you wish for. Having a family is a huge thing and my personal belief is that it’s exhausting and relentless at the start but then pays off throughout the rest of your life. I realise many others do not seem to share this view and seem to think it only gets harder, it isn’t a view I can really understand but it isn’t for me to tell others what to think. I do think for all of us, when caught in a sea of what ifs to bear in mind it is easy to get caught up in a fantasy life and generally is not healthy. Focus on what you have and make the best of it is my personal preference.

Some people just know instinctively it's not for them. My sister has always just known it wasn't for her. She's never really been a natural around kids and just wasn't comfortable around them. It's just not something she ever wanted to do and she's always known she wouldn't have any. She's happy with that decision and doesn't feel she's missed out in life.

I can't comprehend having another just so the other has company especially if you feel this way, but that's me being selfish I expect!

I often look back on the pre child years as being happier in many ways, it's a bit rose tinted though and for me I look back on being young, attractive, loads of spare money, the freedom to travel, and using weekends to party with friends; all of which would have changed a fair bit even I didn't have a child. I'd no longer be in my 20s and flitting between one house share and another with friends who were also all footloose and fancy free. I would have found stuff I enjoyed and adapted, but I miss something I wouldn't have now anyway as wouldn't be sure where my life would be at now.

I can honestly say my life is 100 times more
happier when I had kids.

I don't think it's a thick comment at all. Plenty of people think that way. Having kids means you automatically get a "I'm doing something special and my life has meaning and purpose" card, without having to do much else. Childfree people often seem to be expected to be doing something amazing because they don't have kids, like having a stellar career or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for charity.

I don’t feel raising children is a test. Just treat them like you do other people in your life with a bit more caring thrown in and the beginning.
If you’re halfway decent your kids will be ok. All of us have issues with our parents regardless of how much we love them.

It's definitely hard having children, and I could never have imagined how hard the baby stage especially would be! Having 1 child I know I wouldn't cope well having another so I'm sticking with 1. What I never understand is why people continue to have more children when they don't enjoy it??

Having said that, even though its hard at times I wouldn't chose not to have him if I went back in time! I just don't want more 🤣

I wonder how many people who could push the magic button and go back would actually stay child free.

Also think the 'besotted' type comments are often from parents of squishable toddlers who are just starting to develop their lovely personalities and are so engaging.

Different story when you've got a 14 year old who doesn't want to swap sentences with you from one day to the next.

I have managed to travel with kids. I have managed to live abroad with kids. I have also gone on solo trips without the kids ( as has DH) from the time they were off the breast. I have kept most of my hobbies, including as I said earlier, write books. I have definitely made compromises, but not given up everything I loved.

I don't see that the only two options are have kids and never do anything exciting EVER again, or not have kids and be completely fulfilled.

@SaveMeFromForearms I'm not quite besotted (because the word makes me want to barf) but I love my teen DD a hell of a lot more now than I did as a toddler! She’s smart and funny and regularly has me in creases and wondering how the hell I ended up with such an amazing kid. Though I’m lucky in that even when she’s in the shittiest mood she still wants to talk to me and regularly wants to spend time doing stuff together. Can imagine I’d feel differently if she was one of those brats out drinking and doing drugs and had no respect for me to the point she wouldn’t even speak to me though, but I’d also have failed her as a parent if that’s was the case.

Can imagine I’d feel differently if she was one of those brats out drinking and doing drugs and had no respect for me to the point she wouldn’t even speak to me though, but I’d also have failed her as a parent if that’s was the case.

No, you wouldn't have failed. Sometimes teens with the best parenting can do all that. A large part of it is luck.

Mine are adults and I totally get where the OP is coming from.

Are you a single parent by any chance? From my observation many single parents are actually happier than those in couples. In most of the couples I know the women lose their identity because they have to take on most of the childcare as well as looking after their partners (this is a very subtle thing and they wouldn't necessarily think this is what they're doing), while single mothers seem to retain their identity. It seems illogical given that many single parents have to juggle so much on their own, but this is what I see.

I don't think the pre-child freedom is just about being younger and more attractive, having more money etc. It seems to me that it is about a fundamental loss of self identity. I wish more mothers had the opportunity to keep up with their interests and friendships outside parenthood, but it seems to me that the child often becomes the mother's entire focus. A lot of men still do less than their fair share within the home and with childcare. Friends of mine will say that they and their partners share this 50/50 but when I pay visits the bloke is sitting with his feet up (sometimes making dinner) while the mother is on her feet rushing here there and everywhere keeping plates spinning.

I don't think the happiness has anything to do with having children, but everything to do with having partners who aren't pulling their weight absolutely 50/50, freeing up some of the women's time to be themselves.

Because we are all the children of parents, we all get the opportunity to care for someone else when our parents become elderly. Caring for someone who is near the end of their life is both rewarding and incredibly challenging. You grow through doing that too. In my experience the child free are often automatically expected to take on more of this care, so the idea that only parents have the opportunity to care for another human is just not true. Caring for an adult near the end of their life is not as attractive a proposition to most as caring for a beautiful young child with all their life ahead of them. And yet many child free people take on this role and just get on with it.

I think people’s own childhood will have a big impact on whether they have more than one child or not…

If they came from a big group of siblings and loved it : likely to have more than one child.

If they came from a big group of siblings and hated it : more likely to only have one child.

Was an only child and loved it : wouldn’t see the need to provide a sibling for the first child in order for them to have company.

Was an only child and hated it : more likely to have another child to provide a sibling to the first.

I have a sister and I LOVED sharing my childhood with her and we can spend hours and hours reminiscing together and laughing about all the craziness we got up to…..all my favourite childhood memories are wrapped up in her. Because of this, it was important to me that my first child had a sibling to provide them with the opportunity to hopefully have the same special relationship.

My husband has a brother who he hated during their childhood and as adults they have no relationship at all. My husband really couldn’t see the need for a second baby as he has never experienced a positive sibling relationship so he didn’t understand why it would matter if our first born had a sibling or not.

I don't think it's unreasonable, I think it's honest. And as you say, it doesn't in any way negate your love for your son. I don't have children through choice - I'm mid 40s and never felt that overwhelming maternal urge. I'm happy that I only have myself and other adults to take care of (I know having elderly parents can be a huge responsibility). I also know that by not having children, I'm missing out on some wonderful feelings and experiences that parents have. I've spoken to my own parents about this and the overwhelming conclusion is, you're only as happy as your unhappiest child (if that makes sense!). My mother will always worry about us, it's as ingrained as living with grief. It becomes part of you. And that's not something I would like to live with and I accept that with that, I miss out on all the wonderful parts of being a parent. So, I very much understand your pov and applaud your honesty and self awareness.

I've spoken to my own parents about this and the overwhelming conclusion is, you're only as happy as your unhappiest child (if that makes sense!).

This is me. I have tried to overcome this, but been unsuccessful. One of my DC is happy but the other is unhappy at the moment, so I feel unsettled. I think your post hits the nail on the head.

I don't really have much experience of adult life without children and sometimes I do wish that I'd had mine later so I could have experienced a few more years of childfree life. but saying that by the time I reached mid 40's they were mostly grown up and independent and I felt like I had my life back, at a time when lots of other women were deep in the early years hell.

I genuinely don't knkw if I'd have been happier without them. They've been here now for a long time - 25 and 21 years - so I guess I'm used to them. I do think that parenting has got much harder now since social media has become so widespread.

I have a childfree sister. She wanted kids but life didn't work out that way and she did struggle for a long time. Now she's content and in a lovely relationship. She isn't happier than me, I'm not happier than her. I get less judgement from society though, but that's a different argument.

I do think that there are a lot of people, men and women, who go into parenthood without really understanding the impact it will have on their lives. They just seem to see the cute babies, the snuggles and buy into the Instagram images and don't realise the truth. I think that my generation of parents were more aware that life was going to be a bit shit for a while.