To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

Thank you. This sums up how I feel exactly.

Your reason for having a second child now doesn't really make sense. When new baby is the age your first child is now, your first child will be in their early 20s and likely away living their life. With an 11-year age gap they're both pretty much going to feel like only children.

Anyway, most people who knew they ddin't want children knew it because they didn't experience this "All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum."

It's tough. Mine are 2 1/2 and 1 year old. During the week, they don't want to get up for nursery.

On the weekend, they wake up between 5 and 6 😱

I am still so happy I have them and I consider myself extremely blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother.

My life definitely improved after having children and I feel more complete now.

I realise this is not how everyone feels, but that's okay.

Your feelings are valid and totally understandable. But you might not feel like this in a few years time when they are a bit older.

I have one whom I adore to pieces. And I still absolutely hear you. There's something brilliant about just looking after yourself and you don't ever get it back once you become a parent. It's just really really hard.

I feel the same OP. And I can’t really see a time when it will get better my eldest is 12 and youngest is 6 and my life is so unrecognisable. By the time they are grown up my life as I knew it will be a distant memory.
parenting just takes so much from you and it gets harder not easier. I found the baby years easier as they didn’t really have any demands other than being fed, changed and loved. They went where I went, no school commitments or homework, no sports or clubs to go to. No troubles with friends or bullying to worry about. It just gets harder and more exhausting mentally and physically. And I’m pretty sure I would make different decisions if I had my time again.

YANU, you can still appreciate your kids and still mourn an older time when life was freely enjoyable.

I had no experience of small children or babies. I was in the youngest group of relatives. I had never picked up a child, babysat, etc. I had an idealistic view of what family life would be like. I was persuaded against my better judgement to have more as it would 'get easier ', 'its a phase,' etc. I HATED IT.
I honestly can't see what anyone can see as enjoyable.

I was told I had PND/PSTD from the births, but if so, 30 odd years later, I must still have it.
I would have financially been better off, my health better.
Whilst I do love my kids, I will admit life without drudge was easier.

I think it may be down to the fact that you felt “all I ever wanted in life was to be a mum”…it sounds like you had unrealistic expectations about being a mum that in reality haven’t been matched. I would also challenge the assumption that you should ever have kids to make you happy….rewarding,life enhancing ,life changing and expanding yes but happiness is a transitory state and I don’t think any parent always has continual happiness from having kids .isn’t parenthood about different things at different stages in life and perhaps you should be looking at other things outside from your relationship with your children to improve your contentment in life? If you hadn’t been able to have kids you might equally writing about the opposite scenario in not being able to appreciate the life you have. I hear you about the feeling of unending responsibility for another life but I think I kind of knew what aspects I would struggle with before I ever had kids as I’m not a natural “mother” but I still wouldn’t change the experience of having a family.

But OP, what people are trying to tell you but you’re not understanding, is that maintaining the status quo was never an option.

I sometimes drive past my old student house and think how happy and easy life was then, and for a moment I can wish I hadn’t had kids, promotion, bigger house, bigger bills etc. But even if I hadn’t studied and moved and had kids and so on…..even if I’d stayed child free living in that exact same house….my life still wouldn’t be as it was then. Time passes, things change, we will never recapture our youth whether we have kids or not.

if you’d stayed child free you may have been happier than you are now, but you certainly wouldn’t be the way you were 15 years ago. That’s why it’s not a valid comparison.

This idea that those of us who aren’t tied up in knots about (sometimes adult) children are somehow not taking our parenting duties seriously is misplaced. I think I am as conscientious as any good parent with sun cream, fruit and veg, sleep and minimising screen time, but I’m not going to lie awake at night fretting because DS wouldn’t finish his peas!

Well, my point was in response to the few who have asked if they are abnormal for not worrying about their adult children 24/7. To read Mumsnet you'd think anyone who worries about their children about as much as they do any friend or family member (i.e. when something bad has happened) is either selfish or odd.

You are also different versions of yourself throughout your life, and that will happen to you whether you have children or not. I’m a wiser, more physically active, more anxious but content, accepting version of myself post-kids. I’ve grown up in short.

It depends on what you mean by "happy". Your total happiness is comprised of many aspects of life.

Before children your aspects of happiness could be: refreshed, rich, carefree, good sex life, leisure-time

After children maybe: fulfilled, proud, wanted, useful

So it's hard to quantify.

The lack of sleep that always comes with children, no matter what age, can really cloud your perception too. You feel crushed by responsibility because you love your DS so much and know that you have many years of sacrifice (especially financial!) ahead and in order for you to do your best for him, you have to be the best you can be.

It can be hard, but there is always joy to be found, even if it's fleeting on some days.

I am pleasantly surprised to see the vote. I think that this is something that is not discussed enough. As women, being a mother as the highest thing you can aspire to is so ubiquitous as a message…

@Atethehalloweenchocs I agree that it used to be ubiquitous, but it’s definitely not the message that my DD (18) and her peers are receiving.

I think attitudes have changed massively over the last 20-30 years, thank goodness. At 48, I have a lot of childfree peers so my DD’s generation are seeing that older women made a choice, and they can too.

I do think it’s a strange decision to have another child 11 years later. By the time the second child starts school the older one might be off to uni. So it’s not really a sibling relationship. Speaking from experience here!

I mean not strange if you want one but you’re saying to don’t!

Tbh, when they’re older it doesn’t necessarily mean life is easier. There can be drama with adult dcs - relationship breakdowns, job losses, mental health issues. Sometimes I feel like I have to cope with my problems as well as adult dcs, and it gets a bit too much. I love my dcs to bits, but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.

This

It's a bit odd. Unless it was for medical reasons/infertility why you have such a large gap. Most siblings i know with that kind of gap aren't close at all

I agree with your original sentiment because parenting is hard and you do lose so much of what made life happy before. Freedom, lie ins, spare money, spontaneity etc.

But your follow up posts are just mad! I assumed your first was just a few years old. Why are you starting over when you hate it so much and you’re eleven years in?

No need to be obtuse. It's clear OP means she didn't anticipate the relentlessness of it all until you are in the thick of it🙄

YANBU.

Totally wondering same thing

@Livelovebehappy That’s the part I’m having a hard time relating to, as I’m assuming that my adult children will deal with their own dramas! I don’t mean that in an unloving way, if they need help, I’ll gladly give it, but neither DH nor I have never involved our parents in our problems. When I had a near breakdown and was diagnosed with GAD, my family had no idea. I told them later when I was better. Same with financial problems, they have no idea about our finances. In a really desperate situation, I suppose we’d ask for help.

I’m starting to see that this is unusual and perhaps my children will lean on me more.

*ever