To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

[FrustratedCitizen44846]

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

I'd get over it pretty sharpish, but it's super annoying to be bought the wrong thing.

Good god, no offence intended, but I don’t know how people put up with this, unless there’s some sort of head injury or illness.. why can’t he write it down himself rather than be happy to be incompetent!!

my DH started this a few times when going shopping, ‘write me a list’ .. ‘write your own fucking list, you know what we need!’

If you frequently experience eggshells then it's time to end it OP. It won't get better. Yanbu.

This is a good point. If you have form for it then he's probably getting sick of it. It's one thing if he said "scatty" but "thoughtless" is quite different. Quite honestly, they're both the same and have the same outcome anyway. If my partner never remembered anything I wanted, it would eventually get to me.

Exactly. (But leave him anyway, no point stringing it out if you feel annoyed with each other for days for something so small!)

It depends on how important food is to him.

Some people just see food as fuel and aren't bothered if it's a different joghurt.

Other people, myself included, care about food and we look forward to a particular type of food.

So it's disappointing if you ask your partner to bring you something and then you end up with something completely different.

What struck me from your post is that you dismissed his annoyance at you forgetting what he asked for (a perfectly natural reaction), showing that you don’t really care how he feels. And rather than apologising, you got annoyed at him being annoyed and have made it all about you.

I’m sure there is a lot backstory here, but he isn’t being critical. It’s a small issue that has been blown out of proportion by you dismissing his feelings.

Exactly this. I can be a total scatterbrain, especially in the mornings, and have been known to forget things I've been asked for or get the wrong thing. The difference is that I will either go straight back and get the right thing (keeping in mind its a 20 min walk to and from the shop and is quite annoying for me to go back - but it is also my fault), or I will check with my dh that the alternatives I got are OK and if not, then I'll go back (usually accompanied by dh this time around so I don't forget again or he'll have thought of something else he wants).
He has had a couple of sulks in the past and told me not to bother going back, which is definitely a sign that I absolutely need to go back, but he wouldn't hold a grudge about it all day.

Wow people are being so mean!😮
Reading your other comment saying you chose a big strawberry pot as they didn't have a big vanilla pot means your only error was forgetting blueberries! I totally get where you're coming from in that context with him not saying thank you and instead sulking but without meeting him I have no idea what he's really like.

One take on it could be that men by nature like to feel useful and important.
Independent, polite women have the knee jerk reaction of going "I'm fine. I can manage" thinking this is being helpful.

However next time you know to make him feel useful and needed and be like oh yes I need your help come with me and say I am so grateful and say how you'd never think to pair yogurt and blueberries for breakfast you're so clever!😘😘😘😍🤪As much as I partly say this with jest it actually is true that this could be about feeling needed and relevant and doing this kind of thing with people means you get the relief of people's help without feeling guilty about it and they too feel appreciated and valued! Whatever you do don't beat yourself up over forgetting the blueberries! 💖

Oh jeez, got some major eye rolling going on here. Why are people so uptight? Not only that - feel the need to slag you off for not being as uptight as them.

It's blueberries and yoghurt. Only a child has a sulk about that. Yes, he has a right to be a bit miffed, but after you apologise and explain he should be a grown up and go "oh well, I do like strawberry yoghurt and bananas. Thankyou". What a bloody Debbie downer to live around that will assume the worst of you for such a simple mistake? Imagine how he'll react when you actually make a mistake that matters. 🤦🏼‍♀️ and this is all coming from someone with an uptight / critical husband. He wouldn't sulk if I did this.

I'm just genuinely confused how the blueberries were forgotten. I would have remembered them when choosing/paying for the yoghurt if I was specifically asked for "yoghurt and blueberries" as a meal he wanted to eat.

It's annoying when people pat themselves on the back for their 'go with the flow/what will be will be' personality, when it is negatively impacting other people.

When someone is unreliable and scatty, it's putting pressure on the people around them to take care of them, pull their weight and involve themselves in basic tasks an adult should be able to do alone.

I wouldn't have children until you find some middle ground with him, otherwise he's going to be frustrated at always being the one to research schools, ensure there is enough formula, bringing the medicine on holiday, having clothes in the right size, making appointments etc.

Honestly some people think they are a fountain of understanding! She forgot. He had options. No one has suffered because of this.

I would love to see an answer to "My dw went to the shop and forgot my blueberries. I'm not feeling validated by her response!"

how the hell did you get something so simple so wrong ?

Exactly this!

You only had 3 things to remember !

I mean the whole purpose of posting on a forum is to get different viewpoints, so not sure why that’s such a strange concept for you…

You do sound thoughtless tbh

I am flabbergasted at the criticism of the OP on here. Have all the MN man-trolls piled in? OP might have issues around attention, short-term memory, etc, I won't use the fashionable four letters. Or she may just be a bit scatty (I hate the medicalisation of the human condition). In a loveable way to the right person. I love my dear husband dearly. He is the light of my life. Truly. If I asked him to get me some blueberries and vanilla yoghurt and he came back with 20 Bensons and some crisps, I'd look around for a lighter. I'd sooner go through infernal torments than see a hurt look on his face because of something that I'd said. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Yeah but sometimes you read something so daft you need to comment! That is also the purpose of a forum. Does that make sense to you?

I've been to the shop for 4 items and walked out with 3. It happens. You go back or get over it. It doesnt mean anything.

Which is completely normal. We’ve all done it. But the person who didn’t get the items they wanted is allowed to be disappointed without the other person being annoyed they’re disappointed. Amazed anyone would find that daft.

@CharlottenBurger

You sound lovely, but I think that likewise if you went out to the corner shop and did not bring back something your husband wanted, wouldn't you say sorry and run out again to get it? That is what I do.

I would be slightly irritated about the wrong items, as I would feel that the other person didn't care enough to listen to what I wanted. I would also be annoyed if they brushed it off with a non apology. That would get me more upset.

It happens. If DH had done the same, I would be mildly annoyed for about 5 seconds and, if I was that bothered, walk the 2 minutes to the shop to get what I wanted. Yes it really is a minor issue OP despite some of the comments on this thread. It slipped your mind, you didn't deliberately do it to annoy him.

However, you shouldn't be walking around on eggshells OP and a grown man should not be sulking but it does sound like you both have bigger issues going on in your relationship.

Hard to know what really happened with so many inconsistencies.

For a “I’m just so go with the flow…” type, you certainly made a meal of this. Ruined your day? Good grief. I hope you never have to deal with a real trauma in your life.

I don’t know why you’d type up a version that makes you look more in the wrong than you claim is actually the case. It doesn’t make sense to do that. And scenarios that don’t make sense usually aren’t true.

You said “my bad”? How old are you? 12?

Im wondering what version of events you gave him? The store was crowded and in your haste you grabbed strawberry or they didn’t have vanilla so you bought strawberry. Do you regularly lie to him like you did here? I find it telling that you can so easily lie/twist the story to suit you and be OK with it. I think that’s the route of the problem.