To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

[FrustratedCitizen44846]

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

Because he's not incompetent in the slightest. He is a brilliant husband and father. Like all people he has flaws and one of those is a poor memory for things like bits from the shop. So as his partner, I do what I need to support him, as he does with things for me like talking me through alternative routes if I'm going somewhere new because I'm likely to get lost if its city based. Everything looks the same to me, so one tiny mistake and I'm done. He doesn't sulk with me if I get lost finding my way around, I don't sulk with him if he buys the wrong yogurt.

Lots of very unexpected replies here! His sulking is bang out of order. Sackable offence in my opinion. Cannot abide it. So you got the "wrong" yoghurt, but one he happily eats? He could go to the shop himself if he's that bothered.

Your write up of the whole reaction makes him sound about 13.

You say "no children yet"... I'd definitely have a good think about the overall dynamic and whether you are suited to raising children together.

It depends on how scatty you normally are. If I asked DH to get me 2 things and he got it wrong in the space of 5 minutes then I'd be pissed of two. Complete lack of regard.

You kind of are BU because as others have pointed out, this is not about yoghurt & blueberries.

Neither me nor my partner are ‘scatty’ but we are human, so sometimes forget things the other person has asked for from the shop. When this happens, we just apologise and offer to nip back and get it which is usually unnecessary (unless it was essential ingredients for a recipe or similar situation). It is a non-issue.

Your partner has generalised from this occurrence to a pattern of behaviour and made inferences that you are thoughtless. If you care about and want to keep your relationship going, I suggest sitting down and talking about where this has come from. It could be personality differences, as you have suggested, which need awareness/sensitivity to navigate successfully. There are probably other instances where he has felt this way but not said anything; find out what they are and talk about them.

If you are wired very differently then you might need to meet each other halfway: when you forget the blueberries make a proper apology/amends for it instead of going ‘lol I’m so scatty deal with it’; when he doesn’t get his blueberries he shouldn’t sulk for the rest of the day like a toddler.

I’d be pissed off too. You only had three things to get in total and you f**ked up two of them! Just coincidentally the two things that you wouldn’t suffer from if they were forgotten. It sounds like you didn’t give a shit, frankly. Your DP explained what he wanted but you were just “blah blah yes” and didn’t really listen to the details because you didn’t care. Would you not be hurt by that if it was the opposite way round?

You should have apologised and gone straight back to the shop to get them on principle. Not because it’s ‘women’s work’ but because it’s common courtesy, and I’d have expected your DP to do the same for you if it were the other way round.

Sulking is a bit immature but it sounds like he was upset and pissed off. I imagine this isn’t the first time something similar has happened.

The OP seems pretty uptight to me. She declared the whole day ruined because she was sad her husband didn't just say thanks for not getting the things I asked for. I really don't see how she is the 'go with the flow' one when she declares a day ruined and starts a thread threatening divorce because she can't handle her husband saying that it was thoughtless of her to insist on going to the shop alone and then not actually getting the thing that were wanted.

Imagine all of that drama because you expressed how you feel? Talking about walking on eggshells, would you not feel like next time you had to simper and say its OK darling I didn't want any of that anyway because OP will ruin the day feeling sad and thinking about divorce because you had the audacity to speak up? A go with the flow person would have laughed at their mistake and ran out and gotten the things needed not made everything about them and their hurty feelings.

I see your point a little, but the OP stated the day was only ruined not because of the lack of thanks, but because her husband just couldn't get over his disappointment about blueberries and yoghurt. That's childish to me 🤷🏼‍♀️ If it's about a bigger issue, then they need to discuss those issues, but in a good relationship you don't assume the worst of your partner (that she just didn't care?!) and you forgive them. If it's just blueberries and yoghurt - plain childish. And the fact so many ppl would be raging at their partner over this explains a lot about society

Right?! Everyone would be "it's blueberries and yoghurt, mate, she apologised, stop being a child and go get them yourself if you're that bothered"

The fact he asked to come with you tells me you’ve got form for this. I also can’t stand when someone insists they will do something and then don’t follow through. Don’t say you’ll do something of you can’t be arsed.

TBH, I'm with him on this one. He asked for 2 very simple, small things (out of a list of 3 things total!) and you didn't manage to get either of them.

No she stated the day was ruined because she was sad and on edge. She's sad because her husband had the gall the bring up the fact that he feels she is thoughtless because she forgot about what he wanted in the 2mins it took her to go the shop then dismissed it with a 'oh my bad'.

I honestly don't think I know anyone that wouldn't go 'shit, I forgot' and then run back out to the shop given that it is 2mins away and you offered to get the stuff in the first place. Instead she went what you want isn't important to me and it seems like the husband feels that this is a regular occurance. When he tells her this he is accused of being too critical and the OP gets sad all day and thinks about divorce.

I mean on the face of it it's blueberries and yogurt but when the husband tries to tell her he feels she isn't very thoughtful she tries to shut it down, blames him for having feelings, goes sad, talks about ruined days and divorce instead of actually engaging with the discussion and maybe doing a bit of reflection.

He was hurt that you didn't want him to go with you, and then hurt that you got both of his requests wrong, and disappointed because he wanted blueberries/vanilla yoghurt for breakfast not strawberry yoghurt and fresh air, and irritated by your 'no big deal' attitude, and felt gaslighted when you said that he could've come with you.

Yes, I think I'm with dp on this one and it would've irritated me too.

You are also cross that he has said that you are 'impossible to say no to' and you consider that an unfair attack on a perceived character flaw.

Yet here you are saying he's too sensitive and so on. So maybe 'hypocrite' is one of your character flaws too.

In the rl, your genuine mistake would've gone alongside an apology and an offer to pop back. He would've been a bit miffed but the whole thing would've blown over in seconds.

I think you only go with the flow when it's your flow.

My DH usually does the shopping, it is irratating when he forgets something or gets the wrong one (especially if thats basically all he went to get) but we are all human. My DH would go back and get the right thing though.

I mean you fucked up 2 out of 2 items, how do you even do that... action speak louder than words and it shows that you dont listen to him or care. To be honest I agree with him that you where completely un-thoughtful and then took an attitude about it instead of apologizing.

From your post it kind of sounds like this is a common personality trait of yours that you see nothing wrong with. One scatterbrained mistake is irratating but forgivable but if you are forever in your own world at the expense of the others around you and passing the buck as if its their problem then it will be pretty hard to live with you to be honest.

I think you only go with the flow when it's your flow.

Yup! This is what I picked up from the OP’s posts

Probably not intentional OP but maybe there are things you’re doing you could be more aware of ?

I love my dear husband dearly. He is the light of my life. Truly. If I asked him to get me some blueberries and vanilla yoghurt and he came back with 20 Bensons and some crisps, I'd look around for a lighter. I'd sooner go through infernal torments than see a hurt look on his face because of something that I'd said.

I'm not quite sure what to say about this, other than splurge another list of questions.

Do you actually smoke?

What would become of the crisps?

What would happen if a hurt look did, in fact, ever cross his face?

Which infernal torments are we envisioning here - Dante's Inferno or a more of a Hieronymus Bosch feel?

Tbh it just sounds like a run of the mill grumble. He offered to come with you as was presumably thinking Mmm what do I fancy. He decided on 2 things. You forgot them both! He was at home thinking about his blueberries and yoghurt. He grumbled and basically said I might as well have gone myself. He's right.
That's it. No need to dicect the conversation. It's a non event. Move on, both of you.

This looks bad on him

but my partner has adhd and this is typical for him and over time it gets very frustrating

so it depends. You can say it’s not typical of you but often people don’t notice their own flaws.

in my experience being in a relationship with a ‘go with the flow’ kind of person can be really difficult and mean you end up highly strung, as someone needs to be responsible.

this may not be happening with you, but there’s not enough information here to know.

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposed to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

I’d be pissed off too if my DH was as dismissive about forgetting my messages. You do sound hard work to be honest and a bit self centred.

Probably best not to have children until you change your me me me mindset.

I think YABU. He wanted to come to the shop but you insisted that he stay and you went alone. Then you didn't get either of the things he asked for. I think you could probably have still saved the morning by apologising properly, and maybe even offering to nip back.

Instead he's telling you that he doesn't feel prioritised and feels that you don't care about him - in response to him being vulnerable with you and expressing his feelings, you have told him he's overreacting, minimised his feelings and calling him critical.

Whether you're correct or not about the strength of his reaction, you handled it badly. It sounds like you don't like him that much so why not do both of you a favour and end this relationship, if you're so sure he's wrong?

Also it really doesn't sound like you're walking on eggshells. He's made three requests this morning - you refused one (walking together) and forgot two (yoghurt and blueberries). Doesn't walking on eggshells mean that you're desperately trying not to upset them by carefully making sure that you're doing what they want? Well you aren't doing that.

If his reaction is a pattern then I would consider my position and the relationship very carefully and take full control of contraception for some time to come. Highly recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft - it may not reasonate at all, but it may do and if it does I would seriously consider if you want to have children with someone who has this mindset. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells, especially over minor things. It’s easy to think “this or that are no big deal” in isolation, and even more so when you have your own independence within the relationship. But when you’re relying on your partner to be empathetic/see things from your perspective/ put your needs first (as you tend to do when you’re pregnant or have children, if this guy can’t do that now it isn’t likely he will be able to when the chips are down. In fact it is less likely. Proceed with caution, trust your instincts. Good luck x

If a man went to the shops and got it all wrong, everyone on MN would say he's a useless partner.

YABU, that was careless OP. One item wrong, one item forgotten. I would be annoyed too.

Yep, MN feminism at it's finest, always blame the man for everything!

Reading between the lines, really @CurlyQueues? Changing the goalposts? Loving the armchair psychology.

im a woman and i get bloody fedup with women just because your got a fanny does not make you right about everything if he forgot something he would be the bad one get rid kick him out bla bla grow the fuck up honestly i could wright a whole post on this HES this HES that HES done this HEs done that i dont like the gift he got me FGS look at your selfs for change and stop and think .
coz on mums net its always the mans fault rant over .

Doesn’t sound too wicked what you did. But I agree with the posters who are suggesting there could be other things going on which need to be discussed. You actually say you’ve considered finishing things in the past. Maybe you are both coming to the end of the road?