To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

[FrustratedCitizen44846]

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

People certainly do. But posting on AIBU is a bit different to other topics, surely?

I was pretty surprised at the comments on this.

I think, yes it makes sense he's disappointed because he was looking forward to something.
But also yes, I agree with you, proportionality is wayy out of context.

You made the effort to go to the shops, and then bough him stuff. He stayed home and then whined that you'd got him the wrong thing. But should still be grateful you tried.
What did he do whilst you were out. You were running errands.

I honestly forget all the time stuff that I go to the shops for. Usually miss something.

If you said sorry i forgot or got confused it's fair enough. And he should have said thank you for you going in the first place and getting some stuff. It costs nothing to say thank you.

I'm not sure about moodyness and relationships. Itd be nice if people didn't get moody and just communicated.

Tbh id take your side. It's bad of him not to say thanks and be grateful. And it's bad of him to sulk. He chose to not say thank you. And also he is an adult, if he's sulking that is a sign of someone who has not developed mature ways to deal with emotions.
You didn't choose to forget items. You are being reasonable by trying and also the issue of not having the items can be solved. He could just go to the shops.
He is not 3. HE IS A GROWN MAN.

But now he has decided that it not being brought the wrong unnecessary treats is worthy of being totally moody. I feel for you.

---

He could have responded. Aw thanks for going to the shops. Wow it must have been busy in there for you to struggle to remember the two items. I will nip back because I really wanted those items. Would you like anything getting.
Done.

OP posted in AIBU, not Relationships. As she did that, presumably she wanted straight, no nonsense answers which she has received but clearly does not wish to acknowledge.

I agree that some of the responses are unduly harsh, but I've seen the same type of threads where a woman has posted that her DH has done similar and he was declared thoughtless, so it was always going to go this way. In an age of mobile phones, surely you can just call and check what someone wants if you're not sure. It's not like her DH was shouting and being unreasonable, he was a bit annoyed as he didn't get what he wanted for breakfast. Normal run of the mill stuff.

I agree that it is a storm in a tea cup, but I think you are getting into apologetics here.

She nipped to the shop to get milk, vanilla yoghurt and blueberries and she screwed it up, and seemed to think it was her husband's job to correct her mistake.

Is being a moody git all day the right response to this? No, but then again he did tell her how he felt about it and I didn't get the impression she gave a much of a shit about that. Was this even her first rodeo doing this for him, why did he ask her if he could go with her for a 2 minute trip to be shops? I certainly wouldn't be rushing to go out with DP to the cornershop to get some milk if her offered!

As you are someone who acknowledges being forgetful, I suspect you aren't really aware of the impact this has on other people. Expecting people to be effusively grateful when you forget or completely get everything wrong that they have asked for when you have a list of 3 items is massively entitled in my opinion.

He ASKED to go to the shops with her.

She told him NO.

He then asked if she could then bring some things back for him.

She didn’t bring them back.

Of course he’s annoyed. He tried to make it easy for her - she rejected that, and then didn’t even do what he asked.

I’d be pissed off.

I think it depends if he was really looking forward to it. Maybe he was thinking about it during the night and was craving it. Then for you to just dismiss it, and offer something else. This may have made me angrier a lil longer. If it was something general I would of just said oh well. Me I would of sent my partner back to the shops if I was craving it. If not I would of said something about it then just left it as that.

All depends on why I wanted those items

I think it might've been more to do with OP's reaction than just forgetting the items.

If she'd said 'oh no, I'm sorry- I'll pop back now and get them' I doubt he'd have an issue.

But if she was all breezy and 'what's the big deal? My bad, but it's just blueberries, and im a free spirit and you need to go with the flow' that would piss me right off.

During lockdown DH accidentally pulled out some vegetable plants I was growing thinking they were weeds. In a world of relentless shit, newly postpartum with a high needs toddler and without a minute of childcare for months- I'd managed to plant them and was looking forward to watching them grow.

I was upset- but DH's reaction 'ah well they're just seedlings shrug' made me furious. I never get angry but I was that day. It wasn't the seedlings - pulling them was an easy mistake to make-, it was that he decided his assessment of what mattered was the only relevant one- instead of caring that to me it was a big deal and I was disappointed. The lack of empathy and the gaslighting 'it's no big deal' - when I'd made it clear it was a big deal to me.

If he had said 'oh fuck, sorry. I'll order you some new ones and help you plant them.' We wouldn't have had any issue at all.

If OP had been sorry for her mistake, and demonstrated that but trying to fix it- then I doubt he would have been annoyed any longer.

People expect empathy and a tiny bit of thought from their spouses- love is in the details.

YANBU.
He could have just popped out to the shop to get what he wanted as only 2 minutes away and he wouldn't have ruined the start of both of your day. He was lucky to get anything..... I can't understand all the critical comments. I hope his mood improved and your day got better OP

because he actually wanted to go with her to the shop to get what he wanted but she refused? Then she forgot one thing, bought the complete wrong other thing and then when he (god forbid) showed a bit of disappointment for the utter lack of consideration, she got offended and got a face on that he didn't even say thank you for 'trying'.. what an unreasonable bastard.

Why would you say 'thank you for trying' to a grown person who has failed to bring you the two simple what you asked for?

Of the three things she went for, his two things were either wrong or missed completely, then she basically says 'sucks to be you' about it and wonders why he may have gone a bit quiet..

the lack of thought and consideration and the extreme reaction to his disappointment is spectacular. God forbid he actually have any negative feelings about anything, he needs to stifle that shit straight away otherwise his wife might threaten to leave him and cry to anyone who'll listen that he's overcritical and mean.

If you've offered to do the shop run but A: not suggested you go together and B: not actually bought the items requested then you probably are in the "wrong" here. My DH asks if I want to come along and then makes a list on his phone of what's been requested. He'll often ask what the backups are 😂. He's so "well-trained" that he'll ring me if he's not sure or if they don't have requested items.

I don't make a list but I'd definitely invite him along. I'd also offer to go back to the shop if I forgot items. He asked you for vanilla yoghurt and blueberries, neither of which you bought. I'd be offering to go back and get both items and leave him to say no, it's fine. I'd not be suggesting they can make do. He's probably feeling a bit narked/unloved by your apparent lack of care. Think of all those Mumsnetters discussing a DH who didn't get the one item they wanted for their birthday - it's a mini-version of that.

I would be sending you back to the shop....

No... What you actually communicated went like this:

If no Vanilla get Strawberry.
Vanilla corner or Vanilla big tub?
Big tub.

So the logic goes: Vanilla big tub, Vanilla corner, strawberry big tub, strawberry corner...

And you still forgot the blueberries. Make a ranking list or make a phone call or text if you're not sure. This is why communication is important in a marriage...

He could have responded. Aw thanks for going to the shops. Wow it must have been busy in there for you to struggle to remember the two items. I will nip back because I really wanted those items. Would you like anything getting.
Done.

I would feel incredibly patronised if my dh spoke to me like this. I'm a grown adult who takes responsibility for my own actions not some halfwit that needs pandering too. Would you not feel it was insincere for someone to thank you for nothing? It's not like she was doing him some massive favour he offered to go and she said no then didn't actually get him anything he wanted. I'd be like wtf are you thanking for me for?!

Same!!

Imagine expecting thanks for going to the shop and getting stuff only yourself wanted 🤣

"Didn't say thank you"... for what?! while I'd get over it and just go to the shop myself, I'd also be aware you'd said you'd rather listen to something than go together but then still ignored what I'd asked you to get. I'd be irritated.

It’s fucking blueberries and vanilla yoghurt. Calm the fuck down.

she didn’t forget to pick up his lifesaving medication. The shop is two minutes walk away. If he wanted them that badly he can get off his arse and get them.

He sounds petty and over-critical. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are ‘walking on egg-shells’ around someone, that’s how controlling behaviour can start.

Possibly because most of MN is batshit.

The first word in your name is right.

OP, you've received a lot of unduly and unnecessary batshit responses here.

Was it a little thoughtless? Yes, maybe. Did he have a right to be a little disappointed? Yes.

However, to be sulky about it, and overly-critical of what is a simple mistake which anyone can make, is OTT.

Everyone posting on here is acting like they've never made a mistake or forgotten anything that their partner has asked for. It's not the end of the world. He's not going to die if he doesn't get his blueberries. It's also worth noting that the shop is 2 minutes away. He can walk to there and get them himself if they are so important to him.

It's not normal for an adult, of either sex, to sulk over a minor mistake. They're not a toddler. They're not a child. It's fine to express disappointment and to make it clear that you're unhappy that someone got something wrong, but to sulk? No.

We all make mistakes. We all forget things. People need to get off their high horses, quit pretending that they're perfect and get everything right all the time and give it a rest. It's not normal for adults to be so critical over what amounts to a tiny mistake.

If the worst thing to happen to him in recent times is forgotten blueberries, he's living a pretty good life.

If the worst thing to happen to him in recent times is forgotten blueberries, he's living a pretty good life

Well it looks like he is now going to be divorced by someone who doesn't care a fig for him.

The last word in your name is right.

Calm down, it’s just a thread on the internet. No need to take it all so weirdly personally.

Why not just text and ask him in the shop?