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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

333 replies

NotMyResponsibility · 02/06/2023 21:44

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 03/06/2023 10:46

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:41

@Stripedbag101 you thought it was odd but i bet you gave her the information she wanted.

No I didn’t. I simply said new start graduates don’t report to me but if her son is starting he can contact the person listed in his appointment letter. She said she had a friend who worked in the company who gave her my contact details because she wanted to talk to a woman!!!!

I didn’t confirm or deny her son was starting brocade to be honest I had no idea!!

ActDottie · 03/06/2023 10:50

Could you speak to them and be deliberately vague? Or would that likely result in the NF not being able to come?

Maybe say it’s a campsite but you won’t be there etc. so the kids (adults) will be left to their own devices and maybe make a joke about them being adults now so it’ll be fine.

CruCru · 03/06/2023 10:51

MargotBamborough · 03/06/2023 10:31

The parents are being completely OTT but I feel sorry for the NF who probably misses out on a lot of fun stuff.

I'd just give the parents a quick call and say, "Of course it's fine for NF to stay, DC's friends are always welcome. I won't be supervising since they're all adults, I'll be asleep in my bed with earplugs in! If you want NF at a particular time then that's up to you to agree between you."

Yes, this is probably sensible. If the NF’s parents say that, no they want you to supervise them, you’ll just have to say that you won’t be doing that.

Lavenderflower · 03/06/2023 10:51

I think parents are acting very strange. At 19 you don't call your child's friend parent to check up on their plans.

CruCru · 03/06/2023 10:54

I dunno. I went away for a long weekend with a friend when I was 21 and her mum rang our hotel to say that she hadn’t heard from her and she was extremely worried. Some parents do that stuff.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 03/06/2023 10:58

Hope everyone had a great time last night.
Before I finally grew up and first married,I used to run with a biker gang we had brilliant camp outs on Brighton beach and sleep under the pier.
Mum would have had a fit if she'd known😄
Doing the crazy stuff [and not so crazy] is a rite of passage into adulthood.

LorraineInSpain · 03/06/2023 10:59

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:26

i am sure it is a mountain made out of a molehill
they want to know what time she is back today? sounds reasonable, if they have plans

Then they could ask their adult child, not expect OP to get involved.

Adults don’t need parenting and supervision, unless there’s one hell of a drip-feed coming

00100001 · 03/06/2023 10:59

SlippySarah · 02/06/2023 23:17

I probably would message just because it only takes a minute and it's not a big deal. No reason why you have to enter into a big conversation, its just a couple of quick texts. Some parents these days really struggle to let their adult kids have independence and maybe there are additional needs or the parents are overly protective for some reason you haven't considered.

Who fucking cares?

If the actual parents are that bothered they can come along and check it out themselves.

Not the OPs problem.

00100001 · 03/06/2023 11:00

ActDottie · 03/06/2023 10:50

Could you speak to them and be deliberately vague? Or would that likely result in the NF not being able to come?

Maybe say it’s a campsite but you won’t be there etc. so the kids (adults) will be left to their own devices and maybe make a joke about them being adults now so it’ll be fine.

It's not for the OP to sort out...

The adult wanting to attend can sort it out with the adult wanting the information....

00100001 · 03/06/2023 11:01

CruCru · 03/06/2023 10:54

I dunno. I went away for a long weekend with a friend when I was 21 and her mum rang our hotel to say that she hadn’t heard from her and she was extremely worried. Some parents do that stuff.

Which is fine. Because her mother
wasn't expecting your mother to do that....

00100001 · 03/06/2023 11:03

TooJoy · 03/06/2023 10:41

It sounds as though NF is still living at home though so needs to follow her parents rules and they are just trying to be supportive.

And that’s why as I said if I was OP I’d explain it was my field but there would be no supervision etc.

I do think they are being OTT and suffocating but I also think OP is being too laid back about what happens in her land.

Show quote history

What would parents do if the adult wanted to go to another camp site... Get them to ask the friend to get the campsite owner to say it's ok?

Jesus Christ.

Stripedbag101 · 03/06/2023 11:07

TooJoy · 03/06/2023 10:06

Sounds like they’re just trying to be good parents.

There’s a thin line between being over protective and letting them do whatever they want and there’s no guide book to tell us which one to be.

It sounds as though you are someone who just lets them get on with whatever they want to do and they are someone who are trying to maintain rules and keep their child safe.

MNs usual general rule is that if they live at home then they need to have rules.

I would have rang them and said what you’ve said on here.
That it’s your field and it’s safe but they’ll be on their own and you won’t be supervising them or anything.

This is bonkers. Maintain rules and keep a child safe when that child is nearly twenty years old?

where does it end?

parents have a responsibility to teach their children adult life skills and good judgement. So that when they are adults - that the person on this case - they can make their own decisions.

if a parent is still maintains rules for a twenty year old to keep them safe this sends a message to that adult that they cannot make decisions for them self. Stunted emotional development.

at that age I, and all my friends, where living away from home at university. The idea that a parent would make this phone call would be crazy.

TooJoy · 03/06/2023 11:10

00100001 · 03/06/2023 11:03

What would parents do if the adult wanted to go to another camp site... Get them to ask the friend to get the campsite owner to say it's ok?

Jesus Christ.

Show quote history

Some adults are more vulnerable than others, surely that’s not difficult to understand.

Some adults will never be fully independent.
It does sound as though they’re just being overprotective and need to loosen the reins but without knowing just how vulnerable this girl is then I can’t judge.

It sounds like her parents are happy for her to go because it’s her friends home and want to see how safe she will be there.

If OP says there will be no parents there at all then they can decide whether they think she’ll be safe there.

LorraineInSpain · 03/06/2023 11:11

If OP says there will be no parents there at all then they can decide whether they think she’ll be safe there.

unless the adult woman lacks capacity it is not for her parents to decide. She’s an adult. She makes her own decisions.

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 11:12

@LorraineInSpain
yes but we can't police her parents, they asked the question, it deserves some sort of answer -just because it is outside the norm

LorraineInSpain · 03/06/2023 11:15

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 11:12

@LorraineInSpain
yes but we can't police her parents, they asked the question, it deserves some sort of answer -just because it is outside the norm

Yes, but the answer should be “none of my business, take it up with X” (other than perhaps to confirm that OP has given permission for the field to be used)

Stripedbag101 · 03/06/2023 11:17

LorraineInSpain · 03/06/2023 11:11

If OP says there will be no parents there at all then they can decide whether they think she’ll be safe there.

unless the adult woman lacks capacity it is not for her parents to decide. She’s an adult. She makes her own decisions.

Agree.

if this was the woman’s boyfriend or husband people would be advising she leave the bastard and look into the freedom programme.

if the girl has some special needs which have resulted in her not having normal legal freedoms over her life then I am sure her friends would be aware.

is the an equivalent in the UK of the conservatorship that was granted to Brittany spears parents?

surely if that type of situation was at play the parents would explain their adult child does not have the normal rights to freedom that other adults have.

I don’t think that is the case here though.

MayThe4th · 03/06/2023 11:20

If OP says there will be no parents there at all then they can decide whether they think she’ll be safe there. she’s an adult. It is none of her parents’ business where she goes. And it certainly isn’t up to her parents to decide whether she is allowed to go.

Presumably she has capacity or the OP would have said.

Look, it’s a tough one when your kids grow up and you no longer know their every move. But it’s a part of growing up, and if you’re a decent parent y ou have to accept that.

And no. It doesn’t deserve an answer to the parents. In giving the parents what they want the OP would be complicit in the control of this adult.

Imagine if this was a woman going out and the DH saying that she could only go if her friends rang to say that they would be supervising her. This is no different by virtue of the fact that this young woman is an adult.

Being parents doesn’t make it any less controlling, or unacceptable than if it was a partner.

Revoltingrhyme · 03/06/2023 11:20

Could parents not just want to know it’s safe? Is it that unreasonable to want to know if a 19 yo daughter said ‘mum, dad, I’m going to sleep in a field’.

LorraineInSpain · 03/06/2023 11:22

Revoltingrhyme · 03/06/2023 11:20

Could parents not just want to know it’s safe? Is it that unreasonable to want to know if a 19 yo daughter said ‘mum, dad, I’m going to sleep in a field’.

Would you want your parents to call someone to check if you said that to them?

If not, what’s the difference? You’re both (presumably) adults.

Original poster
NotMyResponsibility · 03/06/2023 11:23

Meeting · 03/06/2023 09:11

Yes I am absolutely fine with it. I love my culture but if I wanted to live differently (as many of my family members do) I absolutely could. I'm not looking to derail the thread but OP seems to think that all people in the UK are also of the opinion that you are no longer a concern to your parents the minute you turn 18, when that's not the case.

Show quote history

No, I am of the opinion that once 18 your children are no longer a concern of mine.

I am not willing to supervise or parent other peoples adult children. I have rules for under general health and saftey (no drugs, no naked flame/campfires etc) but I feel no more responsibility for the group that stayed last night than I do for any adult that books it when the campsite is open.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 03/06/2023 11:25

Could parents not just want to know it’s safe? Is it that unreasonable to want to know if a 19 yo daughter said ‘mum, dad, I’m going to sleep in a field’. yes, it is.

If they want to know it’s safe they ask the 19 year old and they trust her judgement. And even if they don’t trust her judgement, she’s 19. There’s nothing they can do about it. If she has any sense she’ll leave home as soon as she can..

There are plenty of 16 year olds who will e.g. be going off to reading festival after their GCSE’s and nobody considers that to be an issue, and interestingly I don’t think that the parents are all in contact with the owners of reading festival to look after their own little darlings.

At 19 she could be off at uni, travelling around Europe, apart from the consideration of telling her parents that she’ll be out and back tomorrow just so they know she’s not home, they’re not entitled to know anything.

thecatsthecats · 03/06/2023 11:26

Hmm, I think that as a sub- 18yo who had restrictive parents, I'd have really appreciated an adult helping me out by playing along.

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 11:26

so did NF stay @NotMyResponsibility
i didnt gather that

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2023 11:27

Revoltingrhyme · 03/06/2023 11:20

Could parents not just want to know it’s safe? Is it that unreasonable to want to know if a 19 yo daughter said ‘mum, dad, I’m going to sleep in a field’.

Then you'd ask your 19 year old the details.

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