To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

That would also not explain why they want confirmation of the time NF will be back tomorrow. So I think we can safely say that's not what this is about.

she did NF stay?

🤣🤣 I’m out. 🙈 Someone’s been at the booze/TikTok conspiracy videos early this morning I think!

did NF stay?
perhaps she has a prestigious university/career lined up and the parents didnt want a risk of her being arrested for doing something illegal.
who knows

@adviceneeded1990
you disagree with me and now calling me drunk
ha ha

Not their problem. I've no idea what mine got up to at 19/20 when I wasn't around.
I just had to trust that I'd given them the tools to deal with circumstances and eventualities.

The OP is still concerned for her child and no doubt will be for years to come, probably the rest of her life. As are most if not all of the other parents of the children who attend. What on earth makes you think they aren’t concerned?

What they aren’t doing is asking strangers they’ve never met for information instead of their adult child.

Our youngest is 20, lives with us. I do like to know roughly what he’s doing and roughly when he expects to be back and happily he’s quite willing to let us know. Wouldn’t dream of embarrassing him by contacting friends’ parents though.

Well if they were 12 yes, but at that age? The mother needs to get a grip

Sounds like they’re just trying to be good parents.

There’s a thin line between being over protective and letting them do whatever they want and there’s no guide book to tell us which one to be.

It sounds as though you are someone who just lets them get on with whatever they want to do and they are someone who are trying to maintain rules and keep their child safe.

MNs usual general rule is that if they live at home then they need to have rules.

I would have rang them and said what you’ve said on here.
That it’s your field and it’s safe but they’ll be on their own and you won’t be supervising them or anything.

I think you misunderstand, @TooJoy - these are adults.
You can't ask another person to supervise your adult child in a social setting.

We never stop worrying about our children. However, it's not good to still be mentally in a place where you are checking on supervision when they're 19//20.
The best you can do is hope that your parenting has worked and they know they can contact you for support and advice. Otherwise, they need to have experiences and live life.

How easy is it to "just leave home" as the child of controlling parents now though?

To move out, usually you need a rental deposit, let's say £400. Which requires a job, which maybe your parents won't let you have, or they make it difficult for you to keep, or they demand you hand over an unreasonable amount of your salary.

Or you get a uni offer, but they won't top up your student loan, so you can't afford to take it.

Generally to rent, under 25s need a guarantor in a lot of places. If your parents refuse, you'd be stuck.

If your parents really want to control you at 19 there's actually a lot they can do to restrict your options.

I can hear the conversation now,
Controlling parents "Hello, I'd just like you to confirm that my "child" will be staying in your field tomorrow night; getting pissed, vaping, probably loosing her virginity but probably not doing drugs".
You "yes, that's the plan".
Controlling parent "Ok, that's perfect, thanks for the confirmation". 😂
It makes no sense!
Daft buggers.
What on earth are they worried she'll/he'll be doing that's worse than the above? Sticking themselves to a pavement outside the FA Cup final maybe?

Actually, Maybe the 19 year old is a nightmare and is on a tag.

This. I didn’t have the strength to stand up to control at 19. In your place, I would have sent a text and reiterated what your dh said ‘as my husband explained on the phone bla bla bla’.

My dd does have a medical condition. I might be that parent when she is 19 with new friends. I’d perhaps rather approach the friends though. If she is not looked after correctly when vomiting, she will be dead.

You're going to need to work out strategies with your daughter, not her adults friends parents.

Yes exactly, you'd approach the people she's actually going to be spending time with. And presumably you wouldn't be asking people who have no control over her what time she's going to be home the next day?

<sigh> My parents would pull this type of thing - and as I was at uni and still needing support I was just resigned and rankly worn down and conditioned to accept it.

Older sibling stormed out and left home at 18 - youngest sibling moved in with her now ex at 18 and stayed in local area rather than heading off to better university.

I don't think they handle older teens/young adults well - they also struggled to see how much older I was than their youngest child - they often thought the worst of me with no justification - and put me in a few embarrassing situation with now IL. Think mix of untreated anxiety and some control issues were in there as well.

I think others pushing back and saying this isn't normal behavior actually does help - but most people accept it normalizing if further then go on how batshit it is to you dealing with it - so you feel even more a freak.

I have teens - you loosen the controls over time while expecting courtesy of when and safety of roughly who and where.

The parents are being completely OTT but I feel sorry for the NF who probably misses out on a lot of fun stuff.

I'd just give the parents a quick call and say, "Of course it's fine for NF to stay, DC's friends are always welcome. I won't be supervising since they're all adults, I'll be asleep in my bed with earplugs in! If you want NF at a particular time then that's up to you to agree between you."

Anyone saying that the parents are perfectly reasonable here is wrong.

It’s perfectly reasonable for a parent to want some consideration from their child e.g. are they going to be back tonight or not. My ds is 20 now, if he goes out he usually tells me anyway where he’s going. If he’s not coming home he texts me to say he’s staying out, and if he gets back late he’ll text me to let me know he’s home. Just so that I don’t worry.

All that is ok while he’s living at home.

What isn’t ok is a parent of an adult expecting the parents of other adults to be responsible for them. Their daughter could have a termination at 16 and they wouldn’t be entitled to know about it. They couldn’t do anything on behalf of that child once it turns 18 and there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it.

If NF has any sense she’ll move out ASAP and go contact with these abusive arseholes.

Not really, unless the parents wanted wanted Philip Schofield to phone them to tell them where their 19 year son would be and what he would be doing with whom. That would also clearly be batshit.

Not her friends either. Adults are their own responsibility.

It sounds as though NF is still living at home though so needs to follow her parents rules and they are just trying to be supportive.

And that’s why as I said if I was OP I’d explain it was my field but there would be no supervision etc.

I do think they are being OTT and suffocating but I also think OP is being too laid back about what happens in her land.

Unless NF is particularly vulnerable in some way the parents are way OTT.
I was a parent to 2 children and part owned a house before I was 20, anyone calling my parents would have been very weird.
If there’s any particular risk ( epilepsy? Severe mental health problems?) and they’ve not told you / your DC then nothing you can do. If their adult child is not at any particular risk they’re just being controlling