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Original poster

DH says he 'cant deal' with our 4 year old

135 replies

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 20:52

We have two children 6 and 4. DH was totally fine with our first child, did half the work, changed nappies, did bedtimes, took them out, etc. etc. Lovely family time and we were both excited to have a second.

However once we had our second child things changed. DH just keeps having excuses for not ever being able to take both of them, and talking about how it is too difficult to cope with both of them (but I have to, every day!). But he was doing stuff with one child if I was taking the other.

Now he's started saying he simply can't/won't deal with our youngest at all - because he's 'violent'.

He's 4. He gets upset and throws things/hits. I'm not pretending it's lovely behaviour, but I think it's normal at this age and we just have to teach him not to. DH however insists that he can't reason with a four year old, therefore there is nothing to do but refuse to parent him at all and have me deal with it all?

I'm honestly just completely floored that DH even thinks just saying he can't deal with his own 4 year old child is an option. I don't know what to say to him.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 02/06/2023 20:55

This would be potentially marriage ending for me. How dare he. I'd insist on counselling. How was his childhood? How was he treated when he was violent?

SarahAndQuack · 02/06/2023 20:57

I think I'd mirror it back to him, while sticking to my plans.

'I know, love - gosh, it's like having [DC1] all over again - I can't cope! So, anyway, I'm off out as I said, so see you in a bit. Hope it's not too much of a nightmare!'

'I'm really struggling, DH - you know I said I'd go out today; I need you to take them now. I can't get my mind around how we managed before!'

If that doesn't work then maybe sit down after they've gone to bed and explain it all as you have here?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/06/2023 20:58

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continentallentil · 02/06/2023 20:59

You say this is totally unacceptable.

if he needs therapy or parenting class - fine, but not for one second does he get to avoid dealing with the kid he created. And be firm as fuck. This will set the form of your marriage for the next 20 years, so don’t give an inch.

Heronwatcher · 02/06/2023 21:03

I think I’d be asking what he has done to try to help himself? We all find kids difficult, sometimes really difficult. We don’t just give up though, and expect someone else to deal with them. Has he googled what he finds difficult? Has he bought some books? Signed up for parenting courses? Has he asked you for tips or tried to do what you do? Has he tried to spend more 1-1 time with the 4yr old to get to know him better and what triggers him? Or has he behaved like a massive man child, thrown his toys out of the pram and just expected you to deal with it?

If he really is that clueless I couldn’t have any respect for him really.

underneaththeash · 02/06/2023 21:03

I'm not sure that a 4 year old throwing thing and being violent is normal, but him just ducking out of parenting isn't normal either.

He needs to spend more time with the 4 year old alone to get used to how to deal with him

ChekhovsMum · 02/06/2023 21:06

You can also reason with a 4 year old without taking stuff away from them, by trying to understand why they hit and what’s behind it emotionally. Maybe your youngest has sensed that he’s not his dad’s favourite? Does his dad say all this openly in front of him?

Goldbar · 02/06/2023 21:08

I would tell him that you can't deal with his inability to parent.

So either he steps up (including taking a parenting course if he thinks that's needed) or you'll be reevaluating the relationship. Because parenting isn't something you just get to opt out of.

StephanieSuperpowers · 02/06/2023 21:10

So if your approach to parenting was as feckless as his, what would become of your son? Why does he think that his input is optional but yours is mandatory?

Original poster
Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 21:14

StephanieSuperpowers · 02/06/2023 21:10

So if your approach to parenting was as feckless as his, what would become of your son? Why does he think that his input is optional but yours is mandatory?

I don't know. He seems to genuinely believe that he 'cant' so there's nothing to discuss, I'm asking him for an impossibility.

OP posts:
Frogmila · 02/06/2023 21:15

He's turning your son into a scapegoat in his eyes. It's not fair and will stick with him. You've said DS's behaviour is pretty normal so I think you need to defend your son and make it clear the responsibility lies with DH and that you're willing to discuss together how he intends to learn to cope/ manage the behaviour better.

If it's more that he feels he can't manage two kids at once rather than the specific behaviour then fine, a start would at least be admitting that and going from there, rather than making this DS's fault.

pookiedoodlepuppy · 02/06/2023 21:16

I can not for the life of me understand why Men for generations seem to think for their sex, parenting is optional , it's not .
Tell him to man up or I can't believe I'm going to say this , if he doesn't man up tell him you will leave him .

Hardbackwriter · 02/06/2023 21:18

I really think I'd find it hard to continue to share a house with DH if he said this. There's so many layers of how it's awful - the favouritism, the rejection of a four year old, the casual assumption that things that aren't reasonable for him to put up with are just fine for you, the contempt that underlies that assumption. Is this very recent? It's such a difficult situation - of course he shouldn't abdicate responsibility like this, but I also wouldn't want my 4 year old spending time with someone who thought of them like this. Four is old enough that he will know that he's disliked. I actually don't think it's entirely 'normal' for a four year old to routinely hit or throw things at people - or rather, it isn't abnormal but nor is it par for the course - but I think his dad's rejection and disengagement is more likely to be cause than consequence of him acting out like this.

Everydayimhuffling · 02/06/2023 21:18

My questions would be: What's his alternative? Because it can't be you: that would obviously be massively unfair.

So does he need a parenting course? Does he want to research a shared approach to the hitting? Does he want to figure out triggers together? Does he want to do a parenting course? Does he think your child should be institutionalised? What is he suggesting exactly?

cptartapp · 02/06/2023 21:20

Well he needs to be careful here. Because if your relationship fails and you split over this, he'll very quickly have to learn to 'deal' with both DC 24/7 all on his own half every week going forward.
Remind him of that.

Everydayimhuffling · 02/06/2023 21:24

You need to be clear that if you split up then he doesn't get to maintain a relationship with one child and not the other.

Original poster
Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 21:24

Heronwatcher · 02/06/2023 21:03

I think I’d be asking what he has done to try to help himself? We all find kids difficult, sometimes really difficult. We don’t just give up though, and expect someone else to deal with them. Has he googled what he finds difficult? Has he bought some books? Signed up for parenting courses? Has he asked you for tips or tried to do what you do? Has he tried to spend more 1-1 time with the 4yr old to get to know him better and what triggers him? Or has he behaved like a massive man child, thrown his toys out of the pram and just expected you to deal with it?

If he really is that clueless I couldn’t have any respect for him really.

He won't do books or parenting courses. He had asked for advice from me, but then he says it works when I do it but not when he does it. I have suggested they need time together but DH just says it's too hard or he doesn't have time.

OP posts:
ToK1 · 02/06/2023 21:28

He doesn't get to opt out if parenting

You need to start leaving him alone with both kids

Why haven't you already?

Bluebells1970 · 02/06/2023 21:29

That'd be a deal breaker for me.

How dare he dictate the terms of his parenting. That child is 50% his. Not 100% yours.

Spendonsend · 02/06/2023 21:31

This is a real problem. He needs to practice more as you could go into hospital or even die at some point. And obviously you deserve support and a break and your child deserves two parents.

My husband wasnt very good with our youngest. It was really hard for him to change how he parented. It was like he felt his alpha maleness being challenged.

He did see the problem and did a parenting course and improved a lot.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/06/2023 21:32

Is your eldest super compliant? Perhaps a girl who has already been conditioned this way by society?

I had this a bit- my eldest (although not a “typical girl” in many ways) has always been very reasonable - and I mean that literally - from very young she understood and listened to reason.

My youngest is not. Sounds a bit like yours at 4 - I wouldn’t say “violent” but more prone to what appeared to be tantrums than most. Turns out he has ADHD. Not saying yours does, but the point is, they’re very different.

In fact my ex, though a twat, was a bit better with the youngest than the oldest when they were respectively 4. But I think my point is that all children are different and need different tactics.

You H sounds very unreasonable- lazy tbh - in that he won’t parent both children.

Confrontayshunme · 02/06/2023 21:32

When DD1 was 4, I admit I had no clue how to deal with her and found it very difficult (and I was a nanny for a decade so knew what to expect!). I needed a parenting course to know what to do. Some dads feel guilty that it isn't as "natural" when in actual fact the mum just has more practise dealing with difficult behaviour. If he is willing to put the work in, fine, but if he isn't, that is a major red flag.

Yesmate · 02/06/2023 21:36

What would his response be if you also said you “couldn’t deal”. What a joke of a parent he is. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Onelifeonly · 02/06/2023 21:37

Tell him he is a parent and HAS to learn to deal with the 4 year old and that you will support him to be able to do this. Your 4 year old deserves a father and a proper relationship with him.

Write down all your strategies so he can refer to them. Take your older child out and let him 'deal' with the younger one. That way there is only one, which will be far easier to deal with.

Continue as often as needed till he gets it.

If he does, go out leaving your older child too so he can practice having both.

If he doesn't or refuses, rethink your future with him.

Somanycats · 02/06/2023 21:38

People who continue with parenting after the point at which they can't cope end up harming their children. So of course he should stop. You seriously want a non coping parent to interact with your child? Parents who are coping beautifully dont assault or abuse their children, so who do you think does assault and abuse children? Yes It's those who are not coping. He's told you he is not coping. That's not a risk I'd want to take with my child. Fgs believe him, before he proves it to you.