Page 2 | DH says he 'cant deal' with our 4 year old

Theprincessisblanketed · 2023-06-02T19:52:56+00:00

We have two children 6 and 4. DH was totally fine with our first child, did half the work, changed nappies, did bedtimes, took them out, etc. etc. Lovely family time and we were both excited to have a second. However once we had our second child things changed. DH just keeps having excuses for not ever being able to take both of them, and talking about how it is too difficult to cope with both of them (but I have to, every day!). But he was doing stuff with one child if I was taking the other. Now he's started saying he simply can't/won't deal with our youngest at all - because he's 'violent'. He's 4. He gets upset and throws things/hits. I'm not pretending it's lovely behaviour, but I think it's normal at this age and we just have to teach him not to. DH however insists that he can't reason with a four year old, therefore there is nothing to do but refuse to parent him at all and have me deal with it all? I'm honestly just completely floored that DH even thinks just saying he can't deal with his own 4 year old child is an option. I don't know what to say to him.

Nevermind31 · 02/06/2023 21:43

Say… me neither. What shall we do? Because what makes you think it’s easy on me, and what makes you think you checking out makes this ok for me? Or your child?

ThatFraggle · 02/06/2023 21:43

Somanycats · 02/06/2023 21:38

People who continue with parenting after the point at which they can't cope end up harming their children. So of course he should stop. You seriously want a non coping parent to interact with your child? Parents who are coping beautifully dont assault or abuse their children, so who do you think does assault and abuse children? Yes It's those who are not coping. He's told you he is not coping. That's not a risk I'd want to take with my child. Fgs believe him, before he proves it to you.

With the understanding that he's also opting out of being a spouse.

Refuses parenting classes. Refuses even books. Kids are no return, no refund.

Heronwatcher · 02/06/2023 21:49

He won't do books or parenting courses.

Why not?

What possible reason could there be?

If he was sailing through parenting then fine but if he’s finding it difficult and the child is playing up then surely you at least try seeing what the experts think 🤷‍♀️

Unless you just think you can delegate everything to your wife.

Honestly part of me thinks walk out and don’t look back. But you said he was good with your first so maybe there’s something to save. But I agree with the others, alongside any courses/ counselling you have to be absolutely inscrutable in not taking any notice of his complaints and attempts to opt out, he still has to parent both children. Just shrug and say “yes it’s difficult for me too” and leave them to it.

Does he realise how much he could damage your DC if he behaves like this? It could be life changing.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 02/06/2023 21:50

I experienced this last year - with my now ex husband of over 10 years

Was a perfectly "normal" father to our eldest but we then had twins. He left a year later saying he "couldn't cope" - not due to behaviour of the children as twins were obviously babies (although one is very very much more hard work than the other) but more that he just didn't want to parent more than one child which meant no one getting a break (as usually Happens when you just have the one)

In the week before he left I started to see signs of him losing his temper with them and the way he treated them differently. He walked out and I had his bags packed on his return

Don't mess about OP. He won't change and his resentment towards your youngest - and your resentment to your husband will only increase x

UpaladderwatchingTV · 02/06/2023 21:52

I think I'd challenge him, by asking how he thinks his boss would react if he told him that he 'can't deal' with his work, so he's just not going to bother. He'd tell him if he didn't want to 'deal' with it, and wasn't prepared to do some training to overcome his difficulties, that he was no bloody use to him, and to get out! So what makes him think YOU would want him to hang around!!

isthistheendtakeabreath · 02/06/2023 21:53

Oh and he also refused counselling, possible PND treatment, parenting books and courses

He wanted out and away from the children he wouldn't / couldn't bond with due the impact they had on his life

I took the necessary steps to protect them. He didn't want to change. Or couldn't, or wouldn't. He wanted to parent only our eldest and I wasn't having it

SaulGoodman1 · 02/06/2023 21:55

Somanycats · 02/06/2023 21:38

People who continue with parenting after the point at which they can't cope end up harming their children. So of course he should stop. You seriously want a non coping parent to interact with your child? Parents who are coping beautifully dont assault or abuse their children, so who do you think does assault and abuse children? Yes It's those who are not coping. He's told you he is not coping. That's not a risk I'd want to take with my child. Fgs believe him, before he proves it to you.

I actually think you should take heed of this advice.

Parens have and do ‘snap’. Statistically it’s usually men that do it too.
All it takes is one tantrum/attack too far from your child and your husband could flip.

Even meek and mild parents have snapped when they can’t cope and they feel there is no escape.

I would never back someone into a corner with a child they say they can’t cope with because it’s their duty. People don’t think of their duties when they flip their shit. This isn’t a mum/dad debate. This is real life and shit does happen.

I would be working ways around until DH can cope. Whether that meant splitting up, living apart whilst DH does parenting courses/therapy, or taking the lead on youngest child whilst he works through it.

Anyway, parents not coping is no joke. I’d take it seriously.

Hellno45 · 02/06/2023 21:57

He's a prat. It's not optional. He needs to parent. He cant just opt out. In allhonestly id tell him to sort his shit out or fuck off.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/06/2023 22:01

You don't get to do only the nice bits of parenting, you have to do the not so nice bits too.

Tell him what you've said here and don't enable any attempt at him trying to opt out.

Original poster

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 22:04

SaulGoodman1 · 02/06/2023 21:55

I actually think you should take heed of this advice.

Parens have and do ‘snap’. Statistically it’s usually men that do it too.
All it takes is one tantrum/attack too far from your child and your husband could flip.

Even meek and mild parents have snapped when they can’t cope and they feel there is no escape.

I would never back someone into a corner with a child they say they can’t cope with because it’s their duty. People don’t think of their duties when they flip their shit. This isn’t a mum/dad debate. This is real life and shit does happen.

I would be working ways around until DH can cope. Whether that meant splitting up, living apart whilst DH does parenting courses/therapy, or taking the lead on youngest child whilst he works through it.

Anyway, parents not coping is no joke. I’d take it seriously.

Show quote history

I certainly don't see it as a joke but what exactly am I supposed to do?

I can't solo parent one child while joint parenting another while we all live in one household? That's clearly not fair to either child (the six year old would never get time with me alone), before we even get to how difficult it would be for me (but making it hard for me to cope is fine, I guess?).

OP posts:

nighthawk99 · 02/06/2023 22:07

at least he is recognising that the 4 yos behaviour is a problem and not normalising his violence as you seem to be doing

SarahAndQuack · 02/06/2023 22:09

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 21:14

I don't know. He seems to genuinely believe that he 'cant' so there's nothing to discuss, I'm asking him for an impossibility.

Show quote history

In that case, you accept he's absolutely right. He just can't.

So neither can you.

Choose a time - maybe Saturday morning? And then - you can't. Sorry, love. Off out the door now. I just can't any more.

If push came to shove, do you really feel he would be unable to step up?

beAsensible1 · 02/06/2023 22:10

I honestly think if he isa assign he struggle to cope with dc then believe him! I don't think hats an easy thing to admit, but make it clear that means he needs to address the situation and get some help to deal with it.

go on a course, spend a weekend away from the children and come up with a clear parenting plan with expectations and consequences. agree on an united front and how to deal with the throwing and the hitting.

I don't think the best plan is to just condemn him for saying he is finding it extremely hard this time around, lots of parents feel this. But he can't refuse to solve the issue.

Maybe you both need a break and to reset.

Original poster

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 22:11

To be clear the only person who thinks our child is violent is DH, he doesn't 'routinely' hit and has never thrown something AT someone.

A few times he has gotten upset whilst holding an object and thrown it away from him to the floor. Literally twice DH has picked him up to take him to bed when he didn't want to go and 4 year old has flailed around and hit out at him.

Its really not some major behavioural problem.

OP posts:

ToK1 · 02/06/2023 22:12

@Theprincessisblanketed

Why haven't you left him alone with his children?

Rolloisthebestpony · 02/06/2023 22:13

So he just gets to opt out of childcare for his own child?
Did he not realise pre-kids you can’t just opt out?
If he’s serious, and not suffering from depression or something I couldn’t personally stay with him

beAsensible1 · 02/06/2023 22:13

SaulGoodman1 · 02/06/2023 21:55

I actually think you should take heed of this advice.

Parens have and do ‘snap’. Statistically it’s usually men that do it too.
All it takes is one tantrum/attack too far from your child and your husband could flip.

Even meek and mild parents have snapped when they can’t cope and they feel there is no escape.

I would never back someone into a corner with a child they say they can’t cope with because it’s their duty. People don’t think of their duties when they flip their shit. This isn’t a mum/dad debate. This is real life and shit does happen.

I would be working ways around until DH can cope. Whether that meant splitting up, living apart whilst DH does parenting courses/therapy, or taking the lead on youngest child whilst he works through it.

Anyway, parents not coping is no joke. I’d take it seriously.

Show quote history

yes yes yes. leaving him with the kids after he's admitted not coping and disapproving for a couple of hours isn't helpful or safe.

no one, parent or not should be in charge of children if they can't cope!

Soproudoflionesses · 02/06/2023 22:17

cptartapp · 02/06/2023 21:20

Well he needs to be careful here. Because if your relationship fails and you split over this, he'll very quickly have to learn to 'deal' with both DC 24/7 all on his own half every week going forward.
Remind him of that.

This

SaulGoodman1 · 02/06/2023 22:19

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 22:04

I certainly don't see it as a joke but what exactly am I supposed to do?

I can't solo parent one child while joint parenting another while we all live in one household? That's clearly not fair to either child (the six year old would never get time with me alone), before we even get to how difficult it would be for me (but making it hard for me to cope is fine, I guess?).

Show quote history

of course it’s not fair on you at all. But what I’m saying is as he can’t cope, you need to take ‘making him cope’ off the table as other posts suggest. As in, please don’t just force him to look after the dc and just go out leaving him alone with them as others suggest.

Of course he needs to be actively looking at ways in which he can parent younger dc.

I would recommend he signs up to a parenting course and some therapy. Younger dc is obviously triggering him somehow. Whilst he is doing this, he can’t parent entirely solo until he gets some tools to cope.

I know that is unfair but what’s the alternative? Either you force his hand and he could snap or you leave him and your parenting solo anyway.

But then maybe I’m reading it wrong and him ‘not coping’ isn’t him walking away full of anger out instead him laying on the sofa and playing on his phone whilst leaving you to wrestle your child having a tantrum. If that’s the case then that’s not him ‘for coping’ but more he ‘can’t be arsed’. Which one is it?

TimeSlipMushroom · 02/06/2023 22:21

Says who?
There's no law requiring this. He can leave and see his children for 0 hours if he chooses. It's not right but he can

TimeSlipMushroom · 02/06/2023 22:22

cptartapp · 02/06/2023 21:20

Well he needs to be careful here. Because if your relationship fails and you split over this, he'll very quickly have to learn to 'deal' with both DC 24/7 all on his own half every week going forward.
Remind him of that.

My post was in reply to this

SaulGoodman1 · 02/06/2023 22:24

TimeSlipMushroom · 02/06/2023 22:21

Says who?
There's no law requiring this. He can leave and see his children for 0 hours if he chooses. It's not right but he can

I know. Posters always say this. Men walk away all the time with 0 contact or very little. If he’s refusing to parent under the same roof then why do posters believe he’ll voluntarily take them both on his own 3/4 days every week.

Original poster

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 22:30

no one, parent or not should be in charge of children if they can't cope!

Right, but back in the real world, I have to parent my children whether I can cope or not. If I don't do it it won't happen. I'm shocked DH sees this as something he can just stop doing.

OP posts:

ToK1 · 02/06/2023 22:32

@Theprincessisblanketed

Why are you shocked when you're enabling him to do it?

Original poster

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 22:32

ToK1 · 02/06/2023 22:12

@Theprincessisblanketed

Why haven't you left him alone with his children?

I can't force him to parent. I'm not going to play some kind of game of chicken with my children's well being.

OP posts: