DH says he 'cant deal' with our 4 year old

[Theprincessisblanketed]

We have two children 6 and 4. DH was totally fine with our first child, did half the work, changed nappies, did bedtimes, took them out, etc. etc. Lovely family time and we were both excited to have a second.

However once we had our second child things changed. DH just keeps having excuses for not ever being able to take both of them, and talking about how it is too difficult to cope with both of them (but I have to, every day!). But he was doing stuff with one child if I was taking the other.

Now he's started saying he simply can't/won't deal with our youngest at all - because he's 'violent'.

He's 4. He gets upset and throws things/hits. I'm not pretending it's lovely behaviour, but I think it's normal at this age and we just have to teach him not to. DH however insists that he can't reason with a four year old, therefore there is nothing to do but refuse to parent him at all and have me deal with it all?

I'm honestly just completely floored that DH even thinks just saying he can't deal with his own 4 year old child is an option. I don't know what to say to him.

@Theprincessisblanketed

I get the impression my ex husband is angling for more time in our lives now the twins are "easier" - well that's his impression since he hardly sees them - they aren't easier at all! In my opinion he blew it last year and he made his bed so can lie in it.

Don't let your husband dip in and out of parenting as and when he chooses and when he perceives that your youngest is now "manageable" for him. He's all in or he's not. Parenting isn't optional

This sounds difficult. It sounds like he is overwhelmed and has no confidence, which can easily happen when children exhibit more physical/violent behaviours (which is within the range of normal btw, esp when there is an unmet need/change of circumstances etc).

Mine has been challenging recently due to a new sibling and I've been doing a lot of reading up on it. What helped me is understanding that, often, parents make the mistake of believing that it's our role to control our children's behaviour, and when we can't, we feel helpless, overwhelmed and that we are failing as parents. But actually, our role isn't to stop them from having tantrums, feeling strong emotions, etc. We all do this and it's healthy. The key is to simply stay with them, and for them to know you are always, always there for them as they're negotiating these ups and downs. Your son probably intuits that your husband feels he is "too much" for him to deal with and is distancing himself from him, which makes him feel othered. That will likely make the behaviour worse, probably especially when your son is with your DH.

Your DH needs to work on his parenting confidence, but he needs to be the one to want to change things because it will involve time and effort (real work!) to change his perspective and strategies. You can't force him to do it, sadly. So if it were me, I'd pick a neutral moment to have a non-judgemental conversation with him to tell him how the current situation is impacting you, and to understand whether it's something he wants to change. Then go from there.

I don't agree with the posters saying he must not be left with the kids because he is saying he can't cope with#2.

It's very different when a parent makes a real cry for help that they can't cope - contacting social services, meeting with school etc, compared with this father who knows his partner will pick up the slack so his "I can't cope" threshold is way way lower than if, say, he were a single parent. He means he finds it tricky, feels deskilled, and rather than exposing himself to the feeling that despite his efforts, his child isn't behaving the way he'd like to, he would prefer to preserve his ego and opt out. It's classic cognitive dissonance. He sees the problem as in the child, rather than in their relationship.

PPs are right when they say he needs to spend more time with this little boy; ideally problem free time for now, so as to build a relationship. When is your son calm and content? Maybe watching a TV programme together for example?

Like many men it sounds like he thinks parenting is about fun and then obedience, at parental will. The truth is, parenting is about building a strong relationship first and foremost. The relationship sustains the child's accepting the parental rules, and facilitates the fun. If a child doesn't feel that core acceptance and an unshakeable place in their parent's heart, they will seek to be "brought to mind" in any way possible - being annoying, shouting, etc etc - because notice and attention from the parent is such a (subconscious) craving.

Not knowing quite how to deal with a child is perfectly normal. Refusing to engage with the child because of that is completely abnormal, much more about his needs than the child's, and will fuck your little boy up.

Google the phrase 'weaponised incompetence'. He's opting out of doing his fair share by feigning an inability to manage.

Kids are hard. Some kids (like mine) have strong personalities. When you choose to bring a child into the world, you sign up for life. Parents don't have the option of abdicating responsibility. If he can't cope, he needs to research effective parenting strategies to work on the challenging behaviour.

I would absolutely no accept opting out as a solution. Instead, have a conversation with your DH about him researching and implementing effective behaviour management strategies, and support him as he tries to put these into practice.

It's all about the strategies (and I say this as the parent is a SEND child who is regularly very challenging.)

Because I think she needs to leave him, not leave her children with him.

Even if your children's father doesn't actively neglect or abuse them, there are all kinds of ways a parent who "can't cope" can make small children very, very unhappy when left alone with them. As I say, it's only people who have actually experienced what the OP is describing who can understand it properly.

Is it possible that he somehow resents your four year old - for upsetting your previous family dynamic, or because he thinks it’s somehow taken something away from your first child - and he knows it’s unreasonable so can’t really admit it to himself

Sounds like you’re doing it all yourself anyway so what difference would it make if he wasn’t there anymore? A positive one judging by what you’ve posted so far. I agree you can’t force him to be a dad. You also cant force someone to grow up and be a decent person. Get him gone OP. He’s a waste of space who is damaging your children.

This sounds really hard for you OP. I grew up in a family where one of my siblings was scapegoated by our father. It was horrible, for the sibling, and everyone else - so clearly unfair, unkind and toxic. Sibling had terrible depression in their teens, major mental health problems as an adult and serious class A drug addiction. I know this is a worst case scenario - but - most people would have said my father was a good man. It is early days yet and hopefully your family will turn it around, but do read up on scapegoating - if this is happening in your family you may have to take drastic action. Good luck.

it's only people who have actually experienced what the OP is describing who can understand it properly.

That's only true if you fail to tell people what you're talking about. If people spell out what they mean in plain English then other people can understand. It might be upsetting, very upsetting, but if things are often dismissed as "you coudent understand unless it happened" until someone explains it in clear plain English and doesn't leave bits to the imagination. However, I understand that this may be a very upsetting subject that other people don't want to talk about.

Assuming you've tried a reasonable conversation and he's still happy to both harm his child's development by opting out of involvement with him, and to double your workload so that he has an easier ride, then this is probably a relationship ender isn't it?

He sounds absolutely pathetic tbh.