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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says he 'cant deal' with our 4 year old

135 replies

Theprincessisblanketed · 02/06/2023 20:52

We have two children 6 and 4. DH was totally fine with our first child, did half the work, changed nappies, did bedtimes, took them out, etc. etc. Lovely family time and we were both excited to have a second.

However once we had our second child things changed. DH just keeps having excuses for not ever being able to take both of them, and talking about how it is too difficult to cope with both of them (but I have to, every day!). But he was doing stuff with one child if I was taking the other.

Now he's started saying he simply can't/won't deal with our youngest at all - because he's 'violent'.

He's 4. He gets upset and throws things/hits. I'm not pretending it's lovely behaviour, but I think it's normal at this age and we just have to teach him not to. DH however insists that he can't reason with a four year old, therefore there is nothing to do but refuse to parent him at all and have me deal with it all?

I'm honestly just completely floored that DH even thinks just saying he can't deal with his own 4 year old child is an option. I don't know what to say to him.

OP posts:
ironorchids · 03/06/2023 02:41

Next time he says he "can't" look after the child say "so shall we call social services and have him taken away?"

What has he proposed as an alternative?

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 03/06/2023 06:23

Just adding my voice to agree that this is preposterous and quite frankly worthy of a LTB.

If this were my husband I'd tell him to get some parenting classes/read some books pronto or I'd be leaving. This is no way to behave regarding your own child. They're not optional once they're born, you can't just opt out ... and those men (and rare women) who do are cunts.

Good luck with this. I hope if he continues you divorce his pathetic arse.

OhDoh · 03/06/2023 06:49

Tbh I would LTB. He sounds like a melt. He sounds like the worst child out of the lot. It does sound like he wants no relationship with 4 year old which is sad and potentially could have lasting effects on them especially if they see him having a relationship with 6 year old.

AxolotlOnions · 03/06/2023 07:04

When my children behave like this I tell them they need to do that thing more to get the practice/used to it. DH needs to spend MORE time with your son, tell him this, avoidance won't help at all. I'd probably just leave him though, I couldn't be dealing with an adult who needs to be parented.

Original poster
Theprincessisblanketed · 03/06/2023 07:06

TomatoSandwiches · 03/06/2023 00:28

So he intends to never interact or parent your second child?

I don't think he sees it as never. I think he thinks he can just stop dealing with 4yo for a bit and 4yo will mature out of this stage and become 'reasonable' then he can start again.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 03/06/2023 07:24

Gerrard that's exactly my point. For him, looking after DC2 would be some kind of punishment. That's what he faces, be it half of every week or every other weekend. He needs to be reminded of that.
Many many LP (usually women) would absolutely be happy for their ex to do their share and welcome more alone time.
Making her DH aware that would have to do more than he's doing now isn't silly at all. It's a fact.

Hardbackwriter · 03/06/2023 07:29

cptartapp · 03/06/2023 07:24

Gerrard that's exactly my point. For him, looking after DC2 would be some kind of punishment. That's what he faces, be it half of every week or every other weekend. He needs to be reminded of that.
Many many LP (usually women) would absolutely be happy for their ex to do their share and welcome more alone time.
Making her DH aware that would have to do more than he's doing now isn't silly at all. It's a fact.

Is isn't a fact, don't be so ridiculous. Of course he wouldn't 'have' to have 50-50 custody, or indeed any custody - why do you think so many dads walk away from the family if there's some sort of legal obligation to equal parenting? If they split up he'd probably refuse to have the four year old at all, might say he could have the six year old every now and again. He'd have to pay more child maintenance because of this than if he parented equally but there's no other consequence - a court cannot and will not force a parent who doesn't want custody to have it for exactly the same reasons that, whatever people on this thread think, OP cannot 'make' her DH parent.

Lemonpepper · 03/06/2023 07:29

I need to clarify as I simply cannot understand this situation at all.

If you got up before everyone in the morning and headed out for a day by yourself what would actually happen? You're saying your husband just refuses to deal with one of your children. So what, he'd go out for the day with one child and leave the 4 year old alone at home?

OP book a holiday alone for a week and go have a break. You're not leaving infant children who need breastfed. A 4 and 6 year old can have a great week alone with dad. Leave them to it.

Hardbackwriter · 03/06/2023 07:34

OP book a holiday alone for a week and go have a break. You're not leaving infant children who need breastfed. A 4 and 6 year old can have a great week alone with dad. Leave them to it.

And if she comes back and the four year old has been berated and ignored for a week and is now traumatized? Happy hols!

She is clear that she tried to give them opportunities to bond and gave a specific example in which her DH deliberately sabotaged it in a way that I think was actually quite cruel. He has started demonizing normal behaviour as a reason not to interact with his youngest child, and so to blame the child themselves. As OP has said, your plan would be playing chicken using the children and I can see why she doesn't feel that's a viable option.

Lemonpepper · 03/06/2023 07:39

And if she comes back and the four year old has been berated and ignored for a week and is now traumatized? Happy hols!

Has she mentioned him berating the child? Sounds like he's just whinging and shirking.

OP, is he abusive? Do you genuinely not trust him alone with your child?

If you don't trust your husband to cope with his children while you're away for either a week or a day then you need to leave him and fight for sole custody citing this as the reason. There's literally no discussion to be had around it.

What would happen if you died? Are you saying he would neglect you're child? Abandon him?

Either this is LTB worthy or he's just talking shit and you need to call him on it. You seem to think if you left for the day he'd be pushing past to get out before you. I mean, WTF is this for real?

Go out for the day. Leave for a week. Leave him to parent his children.

Phineyj · 03/06/2023 08:06

Hi OP, sounds difficult.

I don't have any magic solutions, but I have some friends who are similar but 10 years on. They have two DC, both rather challenging and both with some health issues.

The dad's relationship with the less preferred child is still poor. He simply works all the time and dumps the parenting and admin on his wife. It has made me lose a lot of respect for him! I did challenge my friend gently on this and she admitted sadly that 10 years ago was when she should have pushed back...the guy does earn a lot of money but his actions have also limited my friend's earning capacity. She carries a lot of stress, which affects her mentally and physically.

Some people are just really selfish and/or lacking in flexibility and it takes parenthood to show it fully. And if you look into the background of their own parenting it can be enlightening.

If I were you I'd get on the Relate waiting list. It could be helpful to hear what your husband thinks is the solution with a neutral third party there.

SquishyGloopyBum · 03/06/2023 08:13

The thing is, the 4 year old will be picking up on this. Which could be making him act out more to get attention.

Your H needs to go to parenting class. He can't just wash his hands of him. If he won't, then you might need to think about leaving.

What would happen if you had an accident or got ill- he'd not be able to opt out of parenting.

What about joint counselling?

Rainbowqueeen · 03/06/2023 08:28

Op he needs to understand that parenting is not optional. He doesn’t get to just decide that he will opt out for now and then get involved again when DS matures and is more reasonable.

What will he do when the DC are teenagers? Is he planning to opt out any time either of them is unreasonable in his eyes.

I would be having a serious talk with him about how damaging his attitude is to the DC and your marriage.

Ask him to imagine it was someone else that he was hearing about who just opted out of the hard parts of their job and left it all up to their colleagues. What would he think of a person like that.

If he shows no intention of changing then I would be reconsidering my future. Easier to leave now when the DC are small and adjust better.

Outofthepark · 03/06/2023 08:33

nutbrownhare15 · 02/06/2023 20:55

This would be potentially marriage ending for me. How dare he. I'd insist on counselling. How was his childhood? How was he treated when he was violent?

Yeah me too, I don't say it lightly but I couldn't see a way back from labelling his own son violent and refusing to parent him. That's bloody pathetic. Very very damaging for your son. Not a situation that could be maintained. You and your son deserve a hell of a lot better OP.

tonyhawks23 · 03/06/2023 08:36

It does sound really hard for both of you.i think your solution it talking to him, listening and understanding and trying to find solutions together.suggesting a visit to the early help hub together maybe,as they'd be supportive and hearing ideas from professionals may be better than from you for him.talk it out with him and put in a routine that works better,one with both of you getting time set aside for your own down time and time set aside for family time.go down to coping with a newborn,let standards like cleaning etc slide and focus on this.does he have support like friends to moan about how hard it is?do you?kids are really hard and when you get to share that and talk about the chaos if the day it helps.men often have less people to rant it out with so maybe that's why hes doing it to you?talk through some good things,child will be in school soon yes?is there something your dh feels he can cope with which would build their bond,any shared interests or easy things like soft play cafe/pub or gaming or lego together anything like that?even just watching TV together on the sofa?yes to putting in routined times then everyone knows when they have to actively parent and when they get time for themselves,this helps.another idea can you get a nanny to help while your dh is struggling? explain to him that if everything is on you you will soon be struggling too.can he agree to take on the housework etc to balance things etc.talk it all out and make some plans and may feel easier?

FoggyDew · 03/06/2023 08:55

@Theprincessisblanketed What a knob. I totally understand what you mean about not being able to just go out and force him to have the 4 year old. 2 of my friends have husbands like this- one divorced who refuses to have one child at all, and one still together who didn’t have all his children at once (even for half an hour) for nearly 6 years! Like you say, if you go out and leave them, the likelihood is he will be horrible to the 4 year old for the duration, and then be horrible to you when you get back.

I think your only options are to put up with it and hope he changes or leave him (being aware that he will likely just refuse contact with your 4 year old). It’s really shit.

Phineyj · 03/06/2023 09:07

I wouldn't suggest a nanny.

In the couple of cases I've seen people do this, the bloke opts out more, not less. It's just a second convenient woman to dump on (with less guilt as they're being paid).

Men who behave like this need to take a good hard look at why it's OK for their wife, who they supposedly love, to struggle, but not for them.

Women are not born knowing how to wrangle challenging children.

Angry
SuperbSummer2023 · 03/06/2023 09:09

MargaretThursday · 02/06/2023 22:40

Dh tried something similar after dd2 was born.

He'd always done bath time for dd1, but when dd2 was tiny didn't feel he could handle them both. Fine, for a bit, but when dd2 was a little bit older I said how much I'd appreciated the time and could he start it again. He was at this time getting home just before bedtime, so often went straight into it from work, whereas for dd1 he'd been home for a couple of hours before bed time.

He said almost word for word: "No, I really don't feel I can handle two at once. But it would be nice if they were ready for bed when I get home, so if you could bath and dress them, then I can play with them before bedtime."

When I had finished laughing sarcastically, and pointing out that if he was expecting me to handle them both in the bath with no one else in the house, then he could jolly well manage them when in an emergency/difficult situation, he could call for me, he looked rather sheepish.
We agreed that he would start doing the bath and I would just be outside on the landing at first. After a couple of days he was happy for me to go downstairs, and within a couple of weeks didn't blink at doing it on his own.

So can you try something similar. Start by him taking them to the park, and you sit outside with a book or something, and he takes them in onto the equipment. You're there, but he has to deal with it unless it's an emergency.
Although it also sounds like maybe he's not wanting the 4yo at all, even on their own, so maybe the first step is for him to take the 4yo out on their own.

@MargaretThursday honestly, how can you find a man that wet remotely sexy. It would certainly stop me needing to worry how hopeless he'd be if we had 3.

Garrard · 03/06/2023 09:20

Go out for the day. Leave for a week. Leave him to parent his children

Whatever you do, don't do this (though I am quite sure you won't, as it's advice that only somebody who hasn't been in this situation would ever give).

Lemonpepper · 03/06/2023 09:29

Garrard · 03/06/2023 09:20

Go out for the day. Leave for a week. Leave him to parent his children

Whatever you do, don't do this (though I am quite sure you won't, as it's advice that only somebody who hasn't been in this situation would ever give).

Why shouldn't she? As I said before if the answer to this is that her husband would neglect, abuse, or abandon the child, then she needs to leave him.

Either he needs to be called out on his laziness and left to parent his children, or she needs to leave him.

Phineyj · 03/06/2023 09:36

There's a middle ground though, isn't there, where the other adult keeps the kids alive but it's a thoroughly miserable experience for all (including the person who comes back to a great big mess...)

There are a LOT of ways for an unwilling conscript to sabotage such a situation short of actually neglecting or abusing the kids.

Phineyj · 03/06/2023 09:39

Oh! I forgot the classic call in their mum/sister/neighbour to take over!

Lemonpepper · 03/06/2023 09:48

Phineyj · 03/06/2023 09:36

There's a middle ground though, isn't there, where the other adult keeps the kids alive but it's a thoroughly miserable experience for all (including the person who comes back to a great big mess...)

There are a LOT of ways for an unwilling conscript to sabotage such a situation short of actually neglecting or abusing the kids.

True. And "unwilling conscript" sums it up.

LTB.

MRex · 03/06/2023 10:08

In many families it seems one or another kid plays up for only one of the parents. Do you think it might be possible that the younger child is genuinely more poorly behaved when you aren't there OP? The best way to get a child to behave better in that situation is having them feel wanted, and lots of time together. If your DH has any long-term interest in the children then he needs to do the opposite of backing away! Talk to him calmly away from the children and ask if he'd like to resolve his relationship issues with the little one or not. If it's a no, then I wouldn't want to facilitate him seeing either, because of the emotional damage that might cause.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 03/06/2023 10:31

Your poor boy, do you think that maybe his behaviour is attention seeking from his dad. Maybe he's subconsciously picking up on the fact that his df wants nothing to do with him - the age old 'any attention is good attention, even if it's bad' might be coming into play here.

If your dh is playing favourites, I'm not surprised your youngest is acting up