DH says he 'cant deal' with our 4 year old

[Theprincessisblanketed]

We have two children 6 and 4. DH was totally fine with our first child, did half the work, changed nappies, did bedtimes, took them out, etc. etc. Lovely family time and we were both excited to have a second.

However once we had our second child things changed. DH just keeps having excuses for not ever being able to take both of them, and talking about how it is too difficult to cope with both of them (but I have to, every day!). But he was doing stuff with one child if I was taking the other.

Now he's started saying he simply can't/won't deal with our youngest at all - because he's 'violent'.

He's 4. He gets upset and throws things/hits. I'm not pretending it's lovely behaviour, but I think it's normal at this age and we just have to teach him not to. DH however insists that he can't reason with a four year old, therefore there is nothing to do but refuse to parent him at all and have me deal with it all?

I'm honestly just completely floored that DH even thinks just saying he can't deal with his own 4 year old child is an option. I don't know what to say to him.

@Theprincessisblanketed

No you don't.

Him saying he can't cope doesn't make it true

🤷‍♀️

Definitely this. He is not a partner sadly.

@Somanycats So you just tell your wife you can't cope, and she does it all!

Exactly.

It sounds like he knows just what to say so OP can do the hard bits.

If he will not affect change. You need to. This is a toxic environment for your son. Your useless dp has creates a massive issue in your family dynamic. He needs to fix it.

Either he needs to parent both children fairly, get counselling for whatever issue, or you need to break up with him. He’s going to mess your youngest child up.

p.s. Show him this thread if you have to!

His saying he can't cope and won't do it anymore unfortunately does mean I have to do it as theres no one else and I'm not willing to neglect my child as some sort of point scoring.

I know you really want to believe that I can force another adult human being into doing things against their will to make this whole issue my fault for 'letting him get away with it' rather than his fault, but if he says he can't do anything with our child and just refuses I can't physically make him.

@Theprincessisblanketed

His refusal to parent his child is his fault.

Not yours

You can only control how you respond to his refusal to parent

Putting up with it is letting him get away with neglecting his child

Maybe it’s as other posters have said and he needs to develop a bond with ds.

1 activity a week just him and ds alone doing something. Even if it’s just going to a group or the park or stories at the library. Nothing to arduous.

I’m not sure if it’s just general annoyance at behaviour or he genuinely feels unable to manage. But the only way it will get better is for him to try and figure it out 1-on-1 with ds rather than trying to do both and then just reverting to only parenting the oldest.

if that can’t work then eventually the relationship will break down and it’s unlikely he’ll be fighting tooth and nail to see them.

I do think it’s probably a rough patch and he’s feeling frayed at the edges with it all. New children with completely different
temperaments can throw you for a loop.

Was there a particular incident that caused him to say this or have you suspected he has always preferred your eldest ? Is this something he said in anger and will potentially take back or has he stuck to his word?

Personally, him thinking he can wake up one day and decide not to parent one child, would be the end, no questions. It's favouritism, selfish, incredibly immature and shows that he thinks your job is to pick up the pieces. He's also refusing to resolve the problem so is therefore choosing to have a shit father/son relationship

100% this. You need to nip this shit in the bud right now, OP.

OP - you have some good ideas on this thread about your DH bomding with your son etc.
But ,from what you have written - it sounds like he doesn't want to bond with him at all.
I think you need to have a serious sit down with him, because it seems like he is distancing himself and he is more than happy for you to carry the load of both parents. Hes taking the piss, but you need to find out why.

OP, i get it. And i dont think many other people here get it. But my DP can be very similar and there is no winning.
Your DCs behavious is totally nornal, ignore the perfect parent brigade. This is death by a thousad cuts stuff from your DH and i feel it too.
Do you still love him?

I didn't answer if first child was a girl or boy as I find stereotypes about children being easier or harder depending on gender sexist and untrue. But no first child was not and is not very easy going.

4yo is generally the very easy going one.

But DHs relationship with 6yo is just better, so they respond to DH better.

@RangleDrang . I dont see much of the 'perfect parent ' brigade on here. Just posters genuinely trying to help the OP . some may have been in her position, but are offering advice without disclosing the fact.

I think I'd take 6 year old out and leave my 4 year at home with Dad sometimes, and other times take 4 year old out and leave 6 year old home with Dad. Or, he could take them out 1 at a time. I'd not accept him washing his hands of his own son. What would he do if one of his children had been born severely disabled, abandoned them? He needs to learn to parent. I'd not have another child with him either.

So he intends to never interact or parent your second child?

Surely he didn't actually mean that when he said it??

Like, tomorrow is another day, he'll change his mind surely

If not I'd say that he must spend more time with your youngest, and seriously lower his standards. At that age anything is a win, really

I think you need to be honest with him and tell him that
-every day you see him just opt out of parenting you love him less
-he is just opting out, he hasn’t tried to make anything work, read a book. Spoke to anyone, even addressed the fact that behaviours he can spend an hour moaning about are perfectly normal
-you need support and are getting none at all from him, so you need to tell your friends and family so they know you need support. If you don’t they will assume you have a Dh who contributes at home and not support you as much so it’s a need for you
-ds isn’t violent and nobody else thinks so. They will judge you, but that is out of my hands. It’s the consequence of you deciding to check out, not my telling them. -Just so you know. From now on we are cohabiting, and coparenting our 6yo and I don’t want any conversations about anything other than our children.

I mean, there is no where relationship discussions can go while he refuses to parent his child. I couldn’t work around that.

OP - you know in your heart how incredibly damaging this already is to your DS.

His father is rejecting him, and cannot or will not do anything to remedy the unacceptable dynamic.

Are their grandparents/aunts and uncles/extended family involved? Does he act like this around other people? Or does he “act the part” in front of an audience?

I agree that you cannot force him to parent - but you can protect your DS and other DC from his toxicity.

A parenting course, counselling, books, etc would be non-negotiable strategies I would insist he participate in, potentially whilst he stays elsewhere with his attitude.

His attitude and behaviour is untenable, as you are obviously aware, and the damage this will cause to your children and yourself is horrific. He either decides to become a capable parent and acts on it, or he needs to go. The DC, and especially your 4 year old, need to come first.

Good luck, OP. Your kids are obviously your priority, and your love shines through. Stay strong.

I'm so sorry OP, this would be heartbreaking and it's so unfair to you and your DC.

I can't believe the people criticising you, you're in an impossible situation that is not of your own making.

Your DH is being selfish and unreasonable. I would be demanding counselling or a trial separation.