DH says he 'cant deal' with our 4 year old

[Theprincessisblanketed]

We have two children 6 and 4. DH was totally fine with our first child, did half the work, changed nappies, did bedtimes, took them out, etc. etc. Lovely family time and we were both excited to have a second.

However once we had our second child things changed. DH just keeps having excuses for not ever being able to take both of them, and talking about how it is too difficult to cope with both of them (but I have to, every day!). But he was doing stuff with one child if I was taking the other.

Now he's started saying he simply can't/won't deal with our youngest at all - because he's 'violent'.

He's 4. He gets upset and throws things/hits. I'm not pretending it's lovely behaviour, but I think it's normal at this age and we just have to teach him not to. DH however insists that he can't reason with a four year old, therefore there is nothing to do but refuse to parent him at all and have me deal with it all?

I'm honestly just completely floored that DH even thinks just saying he can't deal with his own 4 year old child is an option. I don't know what to say to him.

@Theprincessisblanketed

You can force him to parent.

Why, by age 4, has he never had to?

If you're seriously worried he'd harm his kids, why are you with him?

Before my husband could cope and I was having to cope whether i liked it or not, i found support from friends, relatives and paid childcare.

If he isnt prepared to do counselling or parenting classes you are rather stuck.

It's hard as you don't want to leave him with 4 year old if they're going to upset each other it's not fair on the child.
Surely though you can say 'it's not normal to have a family where the dad and the son can't spend time together one to one. Without blame here, something is wrong that needs to be fixed or it will only get much much worse. We need to try family therapy to get help with this'

If he refuses to parent then the marriage would be over for me.

Dh tried something similar after dd2 was born.

He'd always done bath time for dd1, but when dd2 was tiny didn't feel he could handle them both. Fine, for a bit, but when dd2 was a little bit older I said how much I'd appreciated the time and could he start it again. He was at this time getting home just before bedtime, so often went straight into it from work, whereas for dd1 he'd been home for a couple of hours before bed time.

He said almost word for word: "No, I really don't feel I can handle two at once. But it would be nice if they were ready for bed when I get home, so if you could bath and dress them, then I can play with them before bedtime."

When I had finished laughing sarcastically, and pointing out that if he was expecting me to handle them both in the bath with no one else in the house, then he could jolly well manage them when in an emergency/difficult situation, he could call for me, he looked rather sheepish.
We agreed that he would start doing the bath and I would just be outside on the landing at first. After a couple of days he was happy for me to go downstairs, and within a couple of weeks didn't blink at doing it on his own.

So can you try something similar. Start by him taking them to the park, and you sit outside with a book or something, and he takes them in onto the equipment. You're there, but he has to deal with it unless it's an emergency.
Although it also sounds like maybe he's not wanting the 4yo at all, even on their own, so maybe the first step is for him to take the 4yo out on their own.

This. This is all so toxic and damaging for your poor son. But I get how stuck you must feel with his “can’t “

How odd that you don’t have the luxury of “can’t”.

This is strong frank conversation time. He needs to know this is marriage ending stuff here. He needs to come to you with his solutions to help himself parent his own kids equally and lovingly and partner his wife.

Prick.

MargaretThursday that's a great post

He has been taking each child separately. He has only very rarely had them both.

I can't make him do it against his will.

He's always just had reasons why he couldn't have them both and it's too hard. He kept saying it would be easier when they got a bit older.

I don't think he would harm them. If I 'just walk out the house' what's stopping him from walking out at the same time? We both know I would just have to back down and return.

he basically needs to develop a much much stronger bond and positive interactions with the boy through doing nice things together 1:1. The poor boy will presently sense that his father feels negatively about him and play him up as a result.

This sort of comment is so silly.

Child arrangement orders are made which reflect the status quo - a man who has no track record at all for looking after both children together would in fact have them relatively infrequently. I hate the way people wheel out the "well, he'll be sorry when he has the DC half of the time" line, as if most mothers would actually welcome their children being away from them and in the care of someone inadequate, or as if looking after your own children is some kind of punishment. Most of us actually quite like having our children with us.

OP, my ex husband was similar with the "can't cope" thing. One of our DC had additional needs, so it was very, very hard. But what parents have to do is find ways to cope. Ex husband couldn't or wouldn't try, so we are now divorced.

Maybe he needs reminding how important dads are to children. He's exactly the person that should be interrupting and managing any 'violent' behaviour from a 4year old.

@Theprincessisblanketed

If he'd actually walk out and leave his kids alone then that would be harming them

So why are you with him?

In that case he does just seem to dislike him, which is both heartbreaking and a bit scary. Counselling could make a huge difference - this is almost certainly about his own childhood issues in some way of another - but only if he commits to and engages in it, which seems unlikely from where you are at the moment. If he won't engage in a genuine conversation about it, which seems to be the case from what you describe, then I don't really see how the relationship can be salvaged.

I agree you can’t force him. I’m astounded at the number of people who claim they would breezily walk out of the house leaving a 4 year old with a man who has stated clearly he finds him violent and can’t cope. That’s an absolute recipe for disaster.

The sad reality is that this is the way some men respond. ‘I can’t’. In some cases they leave. My friend’s husband left her for a younger woman when she had a toddler and a 4 month old. He didn’t like his life with two kids. It wasn’t fun. He couldn’t cope. So he left her to do all the grunt work while he went out partying with his new fun girlfriend.

You need to decide where you stand. Are you going to kick him out (and possibly find yourself doing 100% of the parenting) or are you going to hang in there with you doing most of the work. Your DS won’t be an unreasonable 4yo forever and then you might find they bond again. But can your marriage withstand the resentment you would feel? Only you can answer that.

Of course you can't literally walk out of the house if you genuinely believe he will harm the children.

But what happens when you say 'ok, I can't cope with this, I'm off out'? Does he get that you are only doing what he has been doing - or does he not? Can it be a way forward?

Or, if you actually don't think he will hurt the children - if you just think he's being a lazy shite - would an afternoon with them perhaps remind him that you have been stepping up as of routine?

YANBU. He can’t just opt out of parenting.

If it helps, our 4 year old gets like this when he’s overtired - I think it is a phase re hitting etc.

I had this with my DH more when DS was newborn and wouldn’t stop crying or fall asleep. My friends’ DH’s were amazing, taking the baby for hours etc- my DH would just put DS down in the cot and wail about how he couldn’t cope. I was struggling too, but you can’t just leave them.

He pulled his socks up and is a FAR better DF now. If he hadn’t been I’d have left him. You may need to have a similar talk with your DH. He can’t just leave you to it.

It sounds as though your youngest may have adhd. This needs to be looked into further as it is very difficult to cope with and ignoring it will not help. Ask your husband to work with you and not against you. Nhs help at this age is scarce but a private consultation in a year or so would be invaluable. I know your husband is being unreasonable but a violent 4 year old is a nightmare to deal with, especially if no one understands why they behave like this. My daughter is adh and we struggled in exactly the same way. When she had a son who was the the same we were prepared and got the help. I had glossed over it and seen nothing wrong with her but wish I had been more on the ball.

The problem is there's a lot of possibilities that aren't as bad as him 'hurting' the children in a literal sense but that could be really upsetting, even damaging for them. I wouldn't leave my four year old with anyone who told me they 'couldn't cope' with him so I don't think I can in all conscience tell OP that she should even though I think it's outrageous that that means she can't leave her children with their own father.

Exactly this!

I do think that him spending time bonding with 4yo would be for the best but DH just says he never has time.

I've even tried proactively finding things for them to do together. For example 4yo had a kit to make a model and I suggested he do it with daddy. DH agreed then literally made the thing without 4yo before he even woke up in the morning because 'I had time to do it then', completely missing that the point was to do it together? (Luckily there were two in the box so I sat and made the other with 4yo).

The time he did take both kids out for the day he came back and moaned about every little thing that happened and saying he had a miserable time because of the children's behaviour (totally normal behaviour like not wanting to leave a play area, or wanting ice cream when they saw another child have one, or needing the toilet at the most inconvenient part of the day).

I've had days out with the kids that were total disasters but I don't moan to him at length about it or stop doing things with them. I just chalk it up to experience and try again.

That's absolutely true and so important.

But, I also think this is how slack parents get away with it - so, when does he get the wake-up call? Might the idea that she's off out be enough for him to realise that there's actually no option for the default parent? It does depend, but it's worth trying.

My son is not violent. I have no idea how you diagnose adhd from throwing toys to the floor a few times and hitting out twice when he didn't want to be carried. I suggest you read threads before making up nonsense.

So he watches them individually and copes and hasn't harmed them and he has watched them together and coped and didn't harm them.

So what's the problem?

He moans?

So what?

If you want him to parent the 4yo, take the 6 yo out.

But tbh he just sounds like a complete whiny prick.

I couldn't get past it

The problem is he's now saying he can't cope with the 4yo so I have to do everything with him. I think that was in the OP.