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Original poster

SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

974 replies

SummerDuck · 02/06/2023 19:43

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

OP posts:
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6
Ladywinesalot · 02/06/2023 20:21

pam290358 · 02/06/2023 20:18

Er, it was you who introduced the suggestion that she had no children - I think you combined that with calling her useless to society. I think you need to give your head a wobble because the only poster spouting ‘venom’ is you.

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This want to the OPso give your son head a wobble

piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Did you miss out the 3yo?

Farmerking · 02/06/2023 20:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/06/2023 20:22

No this isn't normal. Not by a long shot. My DH may very occassionally request I do something while he's at work, but it's very much a request. My brain cannot even process the idea of him giving me routines and duties and checking what I've done when he gets in.

Beelezebub · 02/06/2023 20:23

Not normal
not ok

He’s not your line manager

lemmein · 02/06/2023 20:24

Ladywinesalot · 02/06/2023 19:56

I don’t understand the outrage and being asked to look after your own home when you have 2 dc who are at school.

Your DH works out of the home and wants you to contribute to home life.

Your DC are 15, 9 and 3

you are spoilt

When you don't get enough attention from your first goady post so you try again....tragic 😆

FrostyFifi · 02/06/2023 20:24

OP he's talking to you like he's your manager, and an awful one at that. That's not normal in an intimate relationship.

oliveandwell · 02/06/2023 20:24

That is psychotic.

I have a one year old which is obviously a bit different but it's a good day if I've put a load of laundry on, packed and unpacked the dishwasher, walked the dog and taken the little one to the park.

Freefall212 · 02/06/2023 20:25

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/06/2023 20:22

No this isn't normal. Not by a long shot. My DH may very occassionally request I do something while he's at work, but it's very much a request. My brain cannot even process the idea of him giving me routines and duties and checking what I've done when he gets in.

There is quite a bit of that on here. It seems pretty common in a lot of homes.

Not uncomon to see a post about how....

I told Dh that x, y and z tasks needed to be done this weekend and he still hasn't done any of it and has instead been out doing his own thing or doing what he thinks needs doing...

Zanatdy · 02/06/2023 20:26

Jesus absolutely not, tell him to go to hell. Get a job and send him the childcare bill

TomatoSandwiches · 02/06/2023 20:26

No it's not normal, is he generally like this or has he grown resentful because he has a false idea of what it is you do and get done on a daily basis?

Ladywinesalot · 02/06/2023 20:26

lemmein · 02/06/2023 20:24

When you don't get enough attention from your first goady post so you try again....tragic 😆

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More tragic that you want o focus on the gody post an not helping the OP?

Your point?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/06/2023 20:27

Ladywinesalot · 02/06/2023 20:19

So you have nothing to contribute to the actual OP’s post but just main at mine because you think it comes across badly on a forum?

how do you function at work on in real life with or are you only on mumsnet? Or netmums?

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Keep going, you are very entertaining.

@SummerDuck - I hope you’re not going to entertain his request. I think you need to talk about it like two adults.

Skye99 · 02/06/2023 20:27

No way would I be doing this. Maybe he needs to do what you do for a few days while you have a holiday. That would probably change his mind.

Mariposista · 02/06/2023 20:27

Go back to work!

loulouljh · 02/06/2023 20:27

My husband would be sticking his outputs up his arse!

Namechanger1002 · 02/06/2023 20:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I have a daughter in law - and whilst I adore her I have drummed it into her to maintain her independence should her and my son have kids (or not) even though he dotes on her. Likewise my daughter. Likewise my other 2 sons.
I was never given that advice or support and ended up a single mum of 4.

MrsJBaptiste · 02/06/2023 20:28

Absolutely agree with the OP's husband.

A SAHM to one 3 year old?
Crack on with the jobs - that is exactly what I'd expect of my SAHP.

Original poster
SummerDuck · 02/06/2023 20:29

I’ve now spoken to DH about this in more detail and apparently this is the done thing for his colleagues at work (he is a lawyer). They seemingly give their stay home wives ‘chore routines’ of tasks to be completed each day.

DH is envisaging coming hole from work and checking to see that the tasks set have been completed, which I have to say I’m not sure about happening.

OP posts:
lemmein · 02/06/2023 20:29

More tragic that you want o focus on the gody post an not helping the OP?

@Ladywinesalot oh, farrrr more tragic.

SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’
Ladywinesalot · 02/06/2023 20:29

I can give y personal experience of being a SHAM and this is that I took care of DC, cooked and looked after the home.

DH worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week.

I didn’t have dc at school.

what OP’s DH is asking is not unreasonable.

this is is forum, my spelling and grammar is not of a professor.
im dyslexic

so for those picking me apart, shame on you.

AhNowTed · 02/06/2023 20:30

MrsJBaptiste · 02/06/2023 20:28

Absolutely agree with the OP's husband.

A SAHM to one 3 year old?
Crack on with the jobs - that is exactly what I'd expect of my SAHP.

And you'd give them a list?

To be checked off at the end of the day?

Like you're the manager?

FrostyFifi · 02/06/2023 20:31

DH is envisaging coming hole from work and checking to see that the tasks set have been completed, which I have to say I’m not sure about happening

Who made him the boss of you?
Checking. Fucking hell.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/06/2023 20:31

Noooooooo

Being the parent who works outside the home doesn’t make him your line manager. If anything, you are the line manager for household and child related tasks for the times when both of you are home.

Do you go to his work and tell him how and when do to it? No. Well he doesn’t get to do it to you.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/06/2023 20:31

We don’t know that the OP isn’t ‘cracking on with the jobs’.

WOHP often don’t have any real appreciation of what it’s like to be a SAHP, and the mental and physical load. For all we know, the OP is taking care of the house as well as the DC, but just not to his Lordm’s standards.