Page 38 | SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

SummerDuck · 2023-06-02T18:43:05+00:00

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house. DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work. So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on. Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/06/2023 21:49

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/06/2023 21:43

I don't think there is anything wrong with some of it being about you.

My own mum was miserable as a SAHP - bored and unfulfilled. I felt dreadfully guilty as a teenager for having got in the way of all her aspirations and would hate for my own dc to ever feel like that.

I am very happy that I have been able to model a different approach for my dd which has shown her that it's possible to have a healthy balance between being a loving and involved parent and pursuing personal goals and ambitions. I would hate her to feel that women have to sacrifice their own aspirations if they want kids, or that she might have to choose between family and career in the future...I want her to know that she can have both.

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Exactly.

I grew up with a SAHM too and knew from as long as I could remember that if I did have a child, I would do it differently.

I have a son and I want him to grow up to respect women, I want him to see that women can have careers and be mothers and I also want him to see than men can clean, cook and take care of children.

monsteramunch · 06/06/2023 21:51

Ellyess · 06/06/2023 20:52

monsteramunch
you said:
"But you then used Jordan B Peterson as your example of people discussing the complicated , nuanced feelings of womenregarding working / parenting etc.

I found this rather cringe in a similar way to your first post, as it seems strange to me to specifically reference a (controversial and divisive) man in relation to this topic rather than one of the many, many, many women who have publicly spoken perfectly eloquently about it over the years."

So you only like it if someone you favour is quoted? You do not like having a quotation fro someone you do not like?

Surely, the very fact that you dislike him, shows how this topic is something many people are concerned about, even some who you do not favour.

I think I thought of him because he is controversial and because he is forthright. Eloquent women do not have sole rights over topics to discuss.

It is quite amusing to see so many people moved to show their annoyance at the mention of Jordon Peterson on MN! Maybe you should think about why. He doesn't hold any authority over you, he's just another person who contributes to YouTube, amongst other things. Why do you let him bother you?

What an odd stance to take.

If someone doesn't have power over me, I shouldn't express I take issue with their behaviour?

Last time I checked Andrew Tate (for example) didn't hold any authority over me. I still think he's a dangerous, misogynist cunt.

I think saying 'why do you let him bother you' to someone who takes issue with someone they think is sexist or misogynist is very dismissive. And a small step away from 'calm down dear'.

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/06/2023 21:52

Ellyess · 06/06/2023 21:41

SummerDuck ·

As the OP is not responding, possibly she's too busy doing the 'duties' and getting them marked, but it's been a while so I think her predicament has become a general conversation.

I find the topic seriously important and wish mums had more support emotionally whatever choice they make.

While it's marvellous to see the fantastic child care and mat leave now in place that I couldn't enjoy at first years ago, we clearly still have a long way to go.

I've been a bit tough in my replies but they don't constitute opinion, just a look at the other side. Also I tried to explain when you read something into what a person has said you often make a big mistake. It reminds me of when I was angry with a taxi driver whom I knew had ripped us off taking a route in the opposite direction etc. I told him I had known this area long before he had. My friend accused me of being racist! I was stunned, and told her, 'He's young enough to be my son! Of course I knew the place before he did!'

Not everything is what it seems, and when we make baseless assumptions about someone, such as, 'she must like Jordan Peterson', we are saying more about ourselves than about anyone else.

I'm going to stop following now as my time's getting eaten into.

I sincerely hope SummerDuck and her children come out of this well.

Good luck to you, OP and to all Mums.

I had a feeling that when you said you went back FT at 3 months, it was because you had no choice.

I went back FT at 3 months by choice.

monsteramunch · 06/06/2023 21:54

@Ellyess

Not everything is what it seems, and when we make baseless assumptions about someone, such as, 'she must like Jordan Peterson', we are saying more about ourselves than about anyone else

Except nobody said that, did they?

Silly to start making things up when the thread is available for anyone to read through.

monsteramunch · 06/06/2023 21:57

And for the record @Ellyess I think that you accusing a poster, more than once, of not putting their child first is pretty nasty and says quite a lot about your character.

As does rewriting history by making up a narrative about how people reacted to you, saying they said something they didn't.

Perhaps it's worth considering that when you believe you are playing devil's advocate / presenting 'a look at the other side' of something (as you've described yourself) you come across poorly and it undermines any points you're attempting to make.

glowfrog · 06/06/2023 22:01

@Ellyess I'm not sure why you wrote "even he [Peterson] talks about it." This kind of stuff is pretty much all Peterson talks about or used to talk about at least. I'd also add that using research or data is not in itself impressive - as research and data all require interpretation in any case. And his interpretations are somewhat suspect, and the fact he's monetised it all extensively is not a good look.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 06/06/2023 22:20

What I'm genuinely baffled by is Jordan Peterson telling young men to sort out their lives and tidy their rooms, and said young men lapping it up as a novel idea, when the majority of their mothers have been suggesting, cajoling, bribing, begging, and pleading for the to do it for years and eventually wilting under their son's sustained opposition.... why is that I wonder?

Why is it that women's advice and guidance is mocked and ignored? Lack of degree? Or lack of balls?

I wonder?

MovinGroovinBarbie · 06/06/2023 22:57

MistressoftheDarkSide · 06/06/2023 22:20

What I'm genuinely baffled by is Jordan Peterson telling young men to sort out their lives and tidy their rooms, and said young men lapping it up as a novel idea, when the majority of their mothers have been suggesting, cajoling, bribing, begging, and pleading for the to do it for years and eventually wilting under their son's sustained opposition.... why is that I wonder?

Why is it that women's advice and guidance is mocked and ignored? Lack of degree? Or lack of balls?

I wonder?

Well, would you listen to a bloke telling you how to live as a woman?

glowfrog · 07/06/2023 08:20

@MovinGroovinBarbie well, sorting you life out and tidying your room etc isn't a strongly gendered or sexed thing. The problem with Peterson is that he blames the problems young men have had with tidying their bedrooms on feminism. I suspect that's the appeal for young men.

It's not that I have zero sympathy for men but the solutions put forward to solve the issues they're facing are just not the right ones.

saveforthat · 07/06/2023 08:51

Well@SummerDuck You have stored up a right old hornets nest here. I want to know what's happening with you. Are you doing the chores to his satisfaction. If not what happens? Or is he under the patio now.

Kiwano · 07/06/2023 09:21

I suspect there is now some horrible post-mortem every evening as to whether OP has produced each "output" to her manager's satisfaction, and if not, are her excuses adequate. Concepts like playing with her child longer than the allotted time because child was enjoying it will be foreign to him, and she will only be allowed time off for looking after an ill child if she preserves evidence in the form of timed screenshots of a thermometer showing a fever, or if she has a medical certificate from a doctor. God forbid that she should be allowed to change the routine because she's careless enough to be feeling rough after a bad night, let alone flu.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 07/06/2023 10:20

Am doubtful this post is genuine.

anonymousxoxo · 08/06/2023 16:55

This whole entire thread is why I will never become a SAHM.

OP was a former city lawyer, now she's a maid who does cooking, cleaning, laundry and other household chores because her husband earns the money and works full time. Queue: his big important job which entitled to his career being facilitated and doing nothing around the house.

Whilst I agree SAHM should do household chores, the whole OP post was written in a manner which suggests power imbalance.

However, if OP had returned FT and had a career they could pay people to do these jobs and OP would have remained her power, financial stability and independence. She could have easily divorced him and got her own mortgage etc.

Even if she does get 50% assets, how is she going to pay the bills? She's agreed to trial this, which further suggests the power imbalance.

One point that baffles me is she gave up her career to care of her step children, step children. The stupidity. Her own child is only 3. I can understand giving up your career for your real child, but step?

15 years later, she's having problems and no career to return back to.

Women really need to stop and think before giving up their career, it's easy to think about Nursery fees but not this future of being a maid.

ladykale · 09/06/2023 09:39

anonymousxoxo · 08/06/2023 16:55

This whole entire thread is why I will never become a SAHM.

OP was a former city lawyer, now she's a maid who does cooking, cleaning, laundry and other household chores because her husband earns the money and works full time. Queue: his big important job which entitled to his career being facilitated and doing nothing around the house.

Whilst I agree SAHM should do household chores, the whole OP post was written in a manner which suggests power imbalance.

However, if OP had returned FT and had a career they could pay people to do these jobs and OP would have remained her power, financial stability and independence. She could have easily divorced him and got her own mortgage etc.

Even if she does get 50% assets, how is she going to pay the bills? She's agreed to trial this, which further suggests the power imbalance.

One point that baffles me is she gave up her career to care of her step children, step children. The stupidity. Her own child is only 3. I can understand giving up your career for your real child, but step?

15 years later, she's having problems and no career to return back to.

Women really need to stop and think before giving up their career, it's easy to think about Nursery fees but not this future of being a maid.

This sums up my thoughts SO well!!

anonymousxoxo · 09/06/2023 12:01

ladykale · 09/06/2023 09:39

This sums up my thoughts SO well!!

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I just don’t get all the people telling her to stand up for herself and divorce.

Where will she go?
How will she pay her bills?

It’s better for her to stay put, agree for time being, gain some experience, get a job etc then move out. Build independence. Unfortunately, when someone agrees to be a SAHM they lose all this.

If she was a WOHM, they could easily sell the propriety - she could have used whatever she gets from this house as a deposit, get her own mortgage and pay bills. Be free.

She isn’t in a position where she can stand up for her herself, she has a 3 year old. She needs to try and butter up her DH to pay for childcare or split of it, so she can work. Even if her entire salary goes on childcare, it’s worth it as she can apply for promotions etc.

Madamum18 · 10/06/2023 20:17

Interesting reading comments re SAHMs. I was a SAHM for 6 years. My husband earned the money, all in a joint bank account, no quibbling from either of us, he did his share of childcare etc, helped with home stuff, had time with kids to give me some "me time". I went back to work, ended up in very senior position probably a few years later than it would have been but happy with my career! Still had joint bank account, all went in together and neither of us have ever quibbled over spending. I do think we are lucky that we have exactly the same approach to money.

I am not trying to sound smug, more making the point that the OPs and others descriptions of the nature of being a SAHM is NOT a given!!

Mirabai · 10/06/2023 20:20

Madamum18 · 10/06/2023 20:17

Interesting reading comments re SAHMs. I was a SAHM for 6 years. My husband earned the money, all in a joint bank account, no quibbling from either of us, he did his share of childcare etc, helped with home stuff, had time with kids to give me some "me time". I went back to work, ended up in very senior position probably a few years later than it would have been but happy with my career! Still had joint bank account, all went in together and neither of us have ever quibbled over spending. I do think we are lucky that we have exactly the same approach to money.

I am not trying to sound smug, more making the point that the OPs and others descriptions of the nature of being a SAHM is NOT a given!!

Exactly. The key is to make a good choice of man, not to panic that if you want to be a SAHP for a bit you can’t in case he turns out to be an arsehole.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/06/2023 21:26

anonymousxoxo · 08/06/2023 16:55

This whole entire thread is why I will never become a SAHM.

OP was a former city lawyer, now she's a maid who does cooking, cleaning, laundry and other household chores because her husband earns the money and works full time. Queue: his big important job which entitled to his career being facilitated and doing nothing around the house.

Whilst I agree SAHM should do household chores, the whole OP post was written in a manner which suggests power imbalance.

However, if OP had returned FT and had a career they could pay people to do these jobs and OP would have remained her power, financial stability and independence. She could have easily divorced him and got her own mortgage etc.

Even if she does get 50% assets, how is she going to pay the bills? She's agreed to trial this, which further suggests the power imbalance.

One point that baffles me is she gave up her career to care of her step children, step children. The stupidity. Her own child is only 3. I can understand giving up your career for your real child, but step?

15 years later, she's having problems and no career to return back to.

Women really need to stop and think before giving up their career, it's easy to think about Nursery fees but not this future of being a maid.

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3).
She doesn't say step children, she said sons aged 15 and 12 and daughter aged 3.

monsteramunch · 10/06/2023 21:35

@anonymousxoxo

One point that baffles me is she gave up her career to care of her step children, step children. The stupidity. Her own child is only 3. I can understand giving up your career for your real child, but step?

I'm not sure how, as her post was very clear, but you've got entirely the wrong end of the stick here.

All three children are hers.

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3).

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/06/2023 22:31

Madamum18 · 10/06/2023 20:17

Interesting reading comments re SAHMs. I was a SAHM for 6 years. My husband earned the money, all in a joint bank account, no quibbling from either of us, he did his share of childcare etc, helped with home stuff, had time with kids to give me some "me time". I went back to work, ended up in very senior position probably a few years later than it would have been but happy with my career! Still had joint bank account, all went in together and neither of us have ever quibbled over spending. I do think we are lucky that we have exactly the same approach to money.

I am not trying to sound smug, more making the point that the OPs and others descriptions of the nature of being a SAHM is NOT a given!!

It isn't a given but it does make a woman more vulnerable and it is one of the many things to consider before doing it. Often, it does seem to be a short sighted decision to avoid childcare fees and on a societal level, it is problematic that it almost always women who do it.

Our finances are separate and we've never quibbled over money either, we pay our share of bills and the rest is ours.

Madamum18 · 11/06/2023 21:17

So really it's about the partnership not the the stay at home issue!

Madamum18 · 11/06/2023 21:18

Exactly. The key is to make a good choice of man, not to panic that if you want to be a SAHP for a bit you can’t in case he turns out to be an arsehole.

Indeed!

5128gap · 11/06/2023 21:50

Madamum18 · 11/06/2023 21:17

So really it's about the partnership not the the stay at home issue!

Its both.
Its not possible to guarantee you've made a good choice of partner, in fact divorce stats show the odds are not great. People change, and the person who seemed such a good choice at 30 could be a very different person at 50. Which, given the OP has been in her situation for 15 years, and this has only now become an issue, suggests this msy be the case here.
The model is clearly a huge issue. If the OP were not a SAHM she would not by her own acknowledgement, have lost her confidence to earn her own living, and so would have other options than to agree to her Hs ridiculous demands.
In a nutshell the success of the SAHM depends on the man's continued compliance. All it takes is for him to go rogue (get resentful, fed up) and the wheels can fall off entirely for the woman. Most of those this happens to believed they'd made a good choice too.

Citrines · 11/06/2023 22:00

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SouthLondonMum22 · 11/06/2023 22:04

5128gap · 11/06/2023 21:50

Its both.
Its not possible to guarantee you've made a good choice of partner, in fact divorce stats show the odds are not great. People change, and the person who seemed such a good choice at 30 could be a very different person at 50. Which, given the OP has been in her situation for 15 years, and this has only now become an issue, suggests this msy be the case here.
The model is clearly a huge issue. If the OP were not a SAHM she would not by her own acknowledgement, have lost her confidence to earn her own living, and so would have other options than to agree to her Hs ridiculous demands.
In a nutshell the success of the SAHM depends on the man's continued compliance. All it takes is for him to go rogue (get resentful, fed up) and the wheels can fall off entirely for the woman. Most of those this happens to believed they'd made a good choice too.

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Exactly. It's a big risk to take and is far from unusual.