SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Tell him to get fucked and you will swap with him

I'm worried that you might think this is reasonable of him.

I'd go and get a job and get out of there!

This is always point I ask ‘is it too soon to suggest - LTB?’ 😂

HerculesMulligan
I have 100% seen women here tell others to do this with their stay at home husbands who are 'useless '.

Go back to work. Urgently.

No this isn’t fucking normal or reasonable. As a PP said I wouldn’t take that from my boss, let alone my husband.

The point? To look after children first and foremost. As it happens I do at least 95% of the housework, gardening etc, but I’d never put up with DH micromanaging me, dictating my “routine”, inspecting my “output” or treating me like some sort of very junior employee. Similarly I don’t go micromanaging his career, pointing out where he could apply for a better job, asking why he didn’t get a particular bonus etc.

Yeah do it! Then you get to dictate all his ‘outputs’ on the weekend, and take yourself off and do something fun. He will obviously have done all his chores, looked after and fed the children, and cooked you a slap up meal!!

No.

Unless he wants to be billed for cleaning, cooking, driving, childcare etc?

Nowt wrong with discussing jobs that need doing, and if you will have a chance to do them.

I think his choice of language is the main issue, assigning tasks and talking of duties and output makes you sound like his employee.

I was sahm for 10 years, and DH never gave me duties but we did sit down and discuss bits that needed doing over the week and I would do what I could (with 3 kids age 4 and under) and he would do the remainder on his rest days. Its about team work.

Dh was happy if I did lots of housework and equally happy if I spent the day on my arse drinking tea as he would say I work hard and deserve a break.

Sorry to bring it down to a base level, but …. How does he expect you to maintain any sort of romantic and sexual interest in him when he treats you like this?

I mean, do you want to have sex with him? Does this make you feel warm and loving towards him? Do you feel loved, cared for, respected and appreciated by him?

It would make my skin crawl.

So you could say to him that if he wants to treat you like an employee (let’s be honest: skivvy), then that’s the end of your sexual relationship, so his choice, really.

If my oh was a sahp damn right I'd expect everything done.

Otherwise what's the point in having 1?

@ToK1 Well, the point in, ahem, "having" one is that they look after the children while you're at work. They're not a maid service or some sort of household appliance.

Sounds like he wants you to go back to work and doing this to justify to himself you being home?

Well firstly I would laugh & secondly I would tell him to to just get lost. Goodness me, you’re not staff.

I don’t understand the outrage and being asked to look after your own home when you have 2 dc who are at school.

Your DH works out of the home and wants you to contribute to home life.

Your DC are 15, 9 and 3

you are spoilt

What a sad little man he is.

Why haven't you just said 'piss off' and picked up a good book on divorce.

He's become irritated that you're not earning and is trying to get more bang for his buck. I felt this way when my partner had a stint as a SAHD. I didn't go as far as suggesting duties and a rota, but being completely honest, if it wouldn't have made me look like a controlling arse, I'd have loved to! Unfortunately once the idea takes hold with the wage earner that you're not pulling your weight, the only resolution is to get a job.

Exactly and there are always posts about how even working husbands haven't done the jobs they were given to do by their wives on their evenings / weekends or weren't doing enough around the house.

The micromanaging is a no go for sure but the dissatisfaction with the other parent not pulling their weight - we see those posts on here every day. Not sure why it is only allowed to go one way.

Right I got three words here…fuck right off.

No.

You have a 3 year old at nursery one day a week. Unless you are super human that's not enough time to tidy up and sort out a house.

During lockdown people with at least one child under 8 without any SEN were very broken.

If your "D"h wants to micromanage anyone then he needs to get your two older sons doing chores. That way they will make good husbands to somone plus hopefully move out before they hit 30 as someone else around their age is happy to live with them.

You must stop him watching The Housemaid's Tale!

Of course a sahp should do the lion's share of the household stuff, but a timetable is taking the piss. You are not his employee.

Monday... keep kids alive, fed, prevent them from killing each other, make sure family members broadly end up where they should be
Tuesday ... see Monday
Wednesday.. see Monday
Thursday... see Monday
Friday.. see Monday

Saturday.... hand over 100% responsibility to DH while you shop, exercise, meet your own needs.

Household cleaning is a second position needing an additional job description and budget for head count.

Household administration is also a seperate position.. job description and hours to be discussed but unlikely to fall under childcare job description.

Gardening is contracted on an hourly basis, premium pay and task based.

Commissioning manager to ensure cover is in place when primary employee is rostered on other tasks.

Working time direction laws apply as does minimum wage and market labour rates.