My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

You sound very much like somebody I know who has the same kind of "relationship" with her mother. She's also become very bitter about the whole situation and the ever growing dependency her mother has had on her. The expectation of producing a carer by virtue of birthing a daughter despite having never shown her any maternal care in her life. It's horrible seeing someone experience that.

If it were a partner displaying these behaviours MN would be telling you to LTB and go no contact.

You must be tempted to move to the other side of the planet. My mum was similar. She blamed “anxiety” (which if you knew her, you’d know THAT wasn’t the case.) the recipients of that kind of attention (mainly me) knew it to be controlling, manipulative and attention-seeking behaviour. I bet she has very few close friends because she’s so intrusive and so very selfish, so that’s why you are on the receiving end.

I get you op. I have a complex relationship with my parents (fresh on my mind right now as I've just been struggling yet again to find an adequate fathers day card - hallmark doesn't cater to "my dad is an arsehole but I have to maintain politeness for complex reasons, but humour definitely won't be well-received and sentimentality would be absurd")

Tbh, I think you have to tell her that her actions are unacceptable. Tell her never to phone the police or estate agent (or anyone but you) in this situation. If she can't reach you, she leaves a message and waits for a response, like most normal people would.

Everyone saying it is op's responsibility to reassure her unreasonable mother are way off the mark. Op is categorically NOT responsible for her mother's behaviour. The one modifying their behaviour should be the mother.

Tell her to wind her neck in or you will go no contact.

I care about her in a "Shes my mother and I can't change who my mother is" kind of way. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her.

Do I like her? No
Do I enjoy being with her. No.
Has she ever been motherly to me. No she has not.

This happened to me and it turned about to be the start of dementia.

Terrified and worried because of one missed phone call?
Ffs

OP, you're getting a really hard time here from people who don't seem to understand how toxic some people are to their daughters. My mother isn't as old as yours but would DEFINITELY do something like this just to punish me. Wasting police time wouldn't even enter her head and I'm dreading her getting older. I would have cut her out of my life years ago if it wasn't for the ' Oh, you only get one Mum' brigade.

Yes, we only get one mother and some of them are utter twats!

Sympathies my love x

Well, if it stopped her phoning the police …🤷‍♀️

OP obviously you shouldn't have to deal with the police every time this may happen, I think most people see that.
But the point is that is exactly what she'll do if you don't send a quick text whether she should or shouldn't so its probably in your best interests to just send the text.

What does she say when you tell her not to do that?

Also bear in mind she's in her 80's (I think you said). She's very unlikely to change now at that age.

Or maybe actually OP knows her mother and that she wasn't a great mum. Or a nice person.

I get it, OP. It sounds less like worry and more like control to me. Get some breathing space from her.

She was obviously massively unreasonable, but part of having elderly parents is managing their moods

Really? Very glad I've fucked mine off then. No ta.

Your mother sounds abusive. This sounds like controlling behaviour.

If a woman’s controlling partner called the police on her because she didn’t ring when she said she would people would not be saying she should have text, they would be saying he sounds controlling and to get away. Just because someone is your mother doesn’t mean they are a good person or can’t use controlling tactics.

Honestly, in your shoes I would be contacting her less, not more. I would not be bending to her games and would probably block and ignore, it doesn’t sound like she has been a good mother and you do not have to tolerate this crap just because of the blood tie. It’s totally reasonable to go low or even no contact if your parents are abusive or controlling.

That is exactly it. They say it is worry and anxiety, when really it is "control".

If you don't answer my call, I will control you by calling everyone around you, until you give in

I'm really surprised she managed to get a welfare call

OP , is your mother like this with your brother ? If she is , is he more amenable to answering her calls ? If so , tell her to just ring him and that he will have checked on you .

Phrase it right and they'll turn up

Op, YANBU.

My mom is super controlling and manipulative.
It's not up to me to tolerate her behaviour more now because she's getting older.

That must have been scary. Big hug ❤️

Why do you think that your mother phoned the police and your brother and the estate agent?

People on here are interpreting her action as worry about her daughter - someone she loves and fears for. It is a natural motherly thing to do - to worry about your daughter. Her actions might have been more than most of us would take - showing excessive anxiety etc. From this point of view - you were unresaonable not to set her mind at rest with a text.

You seem to be interpreting her actions as intended to punish you for not phoning as arranged. Is that how you feel about all this?

@Mooshamoo obviously you know your mother better than any of us and you do sound to be at the end of your tether with it all.
Take a break from her and look after yourself.

I think the majority are agreeing, certainly sympathising with the OP. Agree with others re the dementia angle and possibly the OP can encourage her to look into that but I think this is one of those where there's a hugely relevant backstory where you read between the lines.

I'd be very cross too. My cousin's mum did this once. We had been out for afternoon drinks and she fell asleep when she got home so didn't make her usual evening call. Her mum lives overseas and somehow persuaded the City of London police that this was such an emergency that my cousin was woken up at about 10.30 that night by police hammering on her door.

She was terrified at first and then incredibly embarrassed. She is a 40 year old woman with a successful professional career - to have her mum bother the police about her as if she were an unreliable teenager was humiliating. The police were very nice about it but she was furious with her mum and she now rings home less frequently so her mum won't panic when she misses the occasional night.

She phoned them because she is controlling.

If I don't answer her call she won't accept that, and will hound and harass everyone around me.

If I called her and she didn't answer, I have never then called her sisters, her workplace, her estate agent, the police. I'm not crazy

I think it's highly unlikely she will change her extreme behaviour just because she gets a telling off from you.
So either you continue to deal with it/manage it, by doing as she asks, or you go low contact.
Obviously it makes it a more complicated decision if her behaviour is down to dementia rather than just control and manipulation, but it's still your choice.
If you can't bear being around her, you can always withdraw.

Hug back