My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

This brings back so many memories! When I was in high school (and really broke) we couldn’t afford the bus fare for the journey home most days. My mum was perfectly aware of this because she was the one giving me the money for the fare, but one day forgot and called the police to report me missing. The walk home was 40 mins!!! but too long for her to wait. I found her home shaking and crying and my brother was so wound up from having to witness her anxiety that he decided to punch me hard in the head the moment I walked in.

This is just one of the many episodes that she put me through, I was never allowed on any school trip, out after dark, parties etc. Even in my early 20s when I swiftly moved out. My older sister was told ‘If you want to go on dates like whores, you can get married and go on dates with your husband.’ To escape, she married early to the first man that asked and then unfortunately started dating other people.

I think she is over the top. But I also think if you say you're going to ring, you should text if you can't.

I don’t think YABU she shouldn’t have called the police or estate agents but it sounds like bad anxiety and it’s a horrible feeling (she will be imagining the worst).
Can she ring you herself?
Next time don’t tell her which day you will ring if you can’t stick to it, just say some point next week etc.

If you can't be arsed to call or text her, you're gonna get to know the local police on first name basis

Up to you whichever you think is worse

Has your mother been assessed for Dementia?Lots of red flags there ?

My Grandad did this when I didn’t arrive at the time he expected me & was genuinely distraught. He also rang them when I was giving birth & I had 37 vm’swhen I came round. He had dementia. Could your mum too?

If it is something like dementia or age-related anxiety then she can't manage that, however much you insist she should. You will have to manage her.

Can you diarise to call her less often but then actually put a date-/rough time ?

it sounds very annoying and if you are busy you don’t want to be calling all the time with nothing to say and texting so maybe every few weeks would work better ?

’Mum I will call you on 14 June at 2pm’ type thing. Then the next call might be 5 July etc. spread it out a bit more ?

People talking about how my mother may have anxiety mental health issues and we should be sorry for her etc.

What about me? And how I feel? I was having a nice morning this morning.

Then the police turned up at my door.
Then my brother rang me over and over (because my mother got to him and told him to ring me).
Then my estate agent rang me twice.

After all this, I honestly cried for ages and I felt sick with anxiety.

I rang my mother and told her I don't want to speak to her for weeks. That was the last straw. I just can't take it anymore

Her responsibility to change her behaviour? Yes if you are confident she can but if her anxiety is a sign of something else as posters have suggested she can't control her behaviour so I guess you may have to change yours and stop telling her you'll call her if you won't. You seem unwilling to accept that there might be something else going on to cause her to react this irrationally, fair enough if you don't get on but it could get worse

Have you actually sat down and told her that you're busy and will get back to her when you can? It sounds to me like she does need some help with her anxiety, but also you need to explicitly tell her your boundaries

It is worth making an appt with her GP too.

The OP's mum is a grown adult who goes to groups etc. I suspect she can make her own appointment. If the OP feels there may be an issue maybe she could discuss it with her mum but she shouldn't jump in to make an appointment.

Oh OP. I understand that not everyone has the benefit of a mutually supportive relationship with a parent. I assumed - my mistake - the lack of a backstory that might have explained your emotional distance. I apologise. This must be very wearing indeed.

I suppose my comment about a set time still stands in a way. But more to protect yourself. Unless you want to go no contact, it might be sensible, for self preservation, to have a set weekly call. My mother in law does this with a close friend who has become trying but whom, in old age, she does not want to abandon entirely.

Best wishes to you.

My uncle is like your mum but with my gran( his sister) if she doesn’t answer her phone will phone everyone and the police but he is very unwell with a lot of mental health issues PLEASE ask for help for her as she won’t see it as a problem

Echoing other posters that this sounds like the early stages of dementia. I would contact a GP and let them know about your concerns.

In all honesty, you are coming across as rather cold. You say you aren't close(fair enough), but you don't sound at all concerned about her well-being, despite a majority of posters suggesting dementia. A courtesy text surely isn't too much to send to someone who loves you. Is there anyone else who can check in on your mum regularly?

Really.

So not calling someone = calling the police.

Strange that.

So if you call your mother one day later then you say you will, do you expect to have the police out to your house then?

Quite. If you don't like and her and don't want to speak to her, at least don't tell her you will.

If you're mum's ill then she can't help it. Not sure why that's so difficult to understand.

I feel very sorry for your mother.

Did you not read that they have a difficult relationship? That she has not been motherly? I don’t think we owe our parents anything, really.

If your mother was expecting a call from you and couldn't get hold of you when she tried to ring you, then at her age, I can understand why she was worried and she clearly panicked. Once my mum got to that age and began to get more anxious, then I always made sure I rang her when I said I would and arrived at the agreed time when I went to see her.

If your mum is like mine, she didn't have a great deal in her life to think about as she got older and was on her own, and I became an increasingly important focus for her. As an only child, it became quite a responsibility as she began to deteriorate and decline mentally, especially as I was working full time and lived an hours drive away, but I found it was much easier to make sure that I rang her for a quick ten minute chat every day rather than agree a specific time a few days in advance.

You’ll be told your selfish and horrible and all manner of things here..don’t pay attention to it. I’m guessing this wasn’t the first over the top reaction from her and you sound fed up. Get yourself some breathing room and then have a chat with your brother. It appears you two need to get on the same page wrt your mum

No it's not usual. It's not what my mum does

But it's what she does. Up to you if you want massive anxiety like this morning or just call or text her

You have my sympathy OP. My late MIL was the same; whether she had been expecting a call or she had initiated one, if the recipient ( DH, SIL, me) did not answer she just kept calling - mobiles, landlines, whatever, then if that didn’t work she would call another of us and try to insist we checked. There was no reasoning with her. ( texting would not have worked as she didn’t know how to retrieve them )

It was exhausting , frustrating, and it was early onset dementia.

In my experience, and I hate to say this, but the only thing that cured it was the dementia becoming so bad, she forgot who we were.

I have no advice beyond what’s already been said - tell her it is unreasonable, be mindful to make no commitments , and take a deep breath.