My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Op doesn't have any responsibility towards her mother. Morally even less so if she was a bad mother

Sounds to me that mother is feigning concern by controlling you. If, as you say she is perfectly compos mentis in other areas of her life, well the impact of her being so "overbearing" as you put it in OP is not good for you.

If you have continually told her not to annoy you or to do daft things like ring the police/estate agent when she doesn't immediately get a call back, then she is either out to get you and drive you insane, or is mentally unwell.

First off doctor's appointment - she may not agree to go though!, Let's say she does and everything is fine, then you have your answer. If things are cognitively deteriorating, there's another answer.

Wishing you well OP, it is most frustrating as an adult to be watched all the time. Does she do the same with your brother?

You are determined to be angry with her.

You are ignoring all the posts that are suggesting this could be health (physical, mental or age) related and that she might be in need of help, support, understanding.

I get that you are cross. But could you try and see this from another angle instead?

Being cross at her isn't going to change anything for either of you.

Approaching it another way and getting her some help might.

Go no contact OP deep down you know that's what you wish you had the guts to do ...

Of course I dislike my mother.

Many people do. There is the fairytale of the "mother myth" where it says that all mothers are Angels.

My mother has been hard work since I was a young child. She hated having children and told me that she regretted having children. She never once showed me any love. Ever. Just shouted and screamed at me since the day i was born.

I tolerate her as she is my mother. However I am not taking this behaviour off her anymore. I had a big argument with her today.

I said "if your think it's ok to get the police round to my house, I'm going to get the police to go round to your house and charge you with harassing me. Do not ever do this to me again"

It sounds as if your mum has some serious anxieties. Has she always been like this? Or would you say her behavior is more a form of control?

You sound at the end of your tether OP. I can imagine it's very frustrating but try to keep reminding yourself she isn't doing this to get on your nerves or antagonise you. She's doing it because she clearly has some underlying issues going on. It doesn't matter if you know 90 plus year olds who cope better, that has nothing to do with anything. I had a 97 year old great grampy who was sharp as a tack until the end, lived independently and went on walks daily. My friends husband is 69 and has dementia and can't live independently. Age makes no difference. You said you have siblings? Maybe time to discuss this with them and figure out some kind of routine with your mum around support and contact as well as a an appointment with the doctor.

Aibu you ask? "Yes you are, say the majority of posters, it would take seconds to text her and put her mind at rest"

"NO I AM NOT BEING UNREASONABLE! She is!" Why did you bother asking?

Did the police go and speak to mum afterwards to tell her you were OK and assess her anxiety themselves. Why did your brother need to call you more than once.

Could she have dimentia/Alzheimer's ?

I'm 50/50 on this one.

Yeh you shouldn't be beholden to her and she did overreact bigtime but equally she's obviously got anxiety and is getting older and I'm guessing you are a big % of her contact with the outside world.

Call when you say you will. Yes it's annoying, but it's something we do for our families. Give it 30 years and you'll be in her shoes too. Kindness is important.

If you are sure it is not dementia or anxiety, then she is doing it to control you and that is not on! Does she have a mobile so that she can receive texts, if so I would just text her once or twice a week, then she has no excuse, as she knows you are OK.

Because she’ll call the police if you don’t 😁

With respect, all the kind and understanding posts urging you to be more patient and compassionate and suggesting that there may be some age related anxiety or dementia factoring in to her behaviour are completely ignoring all the signs given by the OP that she doesnt have a great or close relationship with her mum and there may be some history here that means that these actions may be deliberate. Some of us do in fact have disfunctional, controlling and selfish relatives who manipulate situations to exert power and control over errrant children. My mother will call for nothing - a small matter - int he daytime while Im at work and on the clock - if I decline the call if Im in a meeting or similar, she will instantly dial again....and again... and again....up to 20 times. She knows I must be busy. She knows the time and that iin office hours my time belongs to my employer and that its customer facing so I cant ignore or drop customers to take her call, but she feels HER issues are more important. You cant actually judge every situation according to some happy families playbook.

If I hadn't called my mum the day I said I would, when she was in her mid 70s, alone, and anxious anyway, then yes, it wouldn't have surprised me if she had contacted the police if I didn't answer my phone.

You said in another post that you cried when the police came and the estate agent called, but how do you think your mum felt last night worrying when you didn't call her and she couldnt contact you?

It isn't your (presumably) healthy brother though. This is your aging mother, and whether you like it or not she is suffering from a form of anxiety or similar which is not uncommon in older people. Yes, she acted OTT. But you aren't helping things, and you are supposed to be the "mature" and "reasonable" one. Perhaps in future you could actually confirm a call and if you can't make it just ring for two minutes and say that something has come up and you will ring tomorrow.

I think considering the only person on the threat that has met the lady is the OP I would say that she is best placed to determine whether her mum is being manipulative or has dementia.

So many people cannot comprehend that some mums are not nice people and not every bit of bad behaviour needs to be medicalised.

I thought this too. She says she cares but honestly I can't see it from this post or her replies. You only get one mother one day she will be gone. Yes what she done was extreme but you're pissed off to have a mother that cares and is probably very lonely who you don't make time for. I wouldn't say speaking to the police is traumatic neither embarrassing to speak to your estate agent over her concern. I know it wouldn't bother me and I'd laugh it off. I probably would have rang my mother when the police were at the door like what the fuck ?

I know this can be the go to answer for anyone over the age of about 50 but it does sound like the beginning of dementia to me.

From you reaction to her doing this it has obviously bought up trauma from how she has treated you in the past. It’s very easy for people who do not have controlling mothers to say just text her. She seems far too involved in your life, taking steps away I think would be the best.

You have a mother who is overly anxious overbearing and reactive. That must be very difficult.

Your strategy however of 'she has to change.' is unlikely to bring you the relief you want here.

You need to mange interaction with her so that her overbearing traits don't impinge on you.

Having a set time, sticking to it, letting her know if something changes means you can avoid unecessary interaction when it's inconvenient.

Yes you can comaplin that 'you shouldn't have to' but no one has relationships where we only get to do things the way we want, we have to manage others expectations too and this is particuarly true when people are tricky.

Take some responsibility and have a better strategy so you can avoid the crying and hassle you've had today. Just complaining won't change it.

In fact you sound similar to your mother with a 'people should act how I want them to' mentality.

Op has told us that her mother treated her badly as a child and has obviously been left with some deep resentment.
That's perfectly acceptable for the OP to react and feel how she does.
Just because her mum is old etc doesn't mean the Op needs to step up.
Her mum should have loved her and treated her better as a child if she wanted to have a caring relationship with her as an adult

FFS.
I will not be texting a woman that is driving me demented. I don't have to talk to her at all actually. I owe her nothing. Her behavious I getting to a level where I am starting to want to get far away from her

But not nice people can also get dementia. My Mum was difficult all my life which made it difficult to notice the early signs of dementia.