My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

How about contacting the Police and making them aware that your mother is likely to make spurious calls? If you leave a record with them that might at least prevent them coming out and it may be helpful. If your mother keeps ringing them for these non-reasons, she will be flagged on the Police system as a frequent non-event caller. They may even send someone out to talk to her about her calls and could refer her to social services if they have concerns.

You're right; you shouldn't have to make allowances and message/call if you don't want to. But if you don't do something then it will only escalate, even if you block her number and ask her not to call. At least if you've put it on Police record you've done something that might mitigate your situation.

Best wishes. x

Yes it's humiliating

OP I'd go no contact if you can stomach the inevitable guilt trip your brother etc will put on you. She sounds horrible, and reminds me of my late grandmother.

She will not change her behaviour, all you can do is change how you react to it and I think NC is the only way to free yourself.

Look, Dm is similar-and always has been before people start talking about dementia and old age etc.

She is just a worrier and nothing is going to change that. She does genuinely start thinking the worst if she can't get an answer. No, she has never called the police because we haven't picked up the phone, but I think there's times when she has considered it.

But I've found the best way to be in control is to have a set time I contact. I phone once a week and email once. I tell her what she needs to know-so if I'm out at something late at night, I won't tell her.
If I'm not going to be around on the day I normally contact, then we agree either another day, or, more often, we leave it until the next week.
If I go on holiday, then I send a quick text when I arrive there, and a quick test when we get back.
It takes a short moment each time and stops her worrying, meaning less contact at a time which I don't want, which is really a win all round.

She sounds like a nightmare. As you said she's being manipulative and controlling and she's trying to punish you for failing to do exactly what she wants.

A break of a few weeks sounds like a plan.

I am so sorry for what you’re going through.
I would go no contact with her and change my phone number.
She will probably call the police again and again. But take heart the police will soon get very fed up with her and threaten her that she could be charged with wasting police time.

If this was anyone but the ops mother the responses would be very very different.
It is quite clear that the op has had a difficult history with her mother and this level of harassment is not OK.

Op I would change numbers and not contact her again, make sure your brother doesn't pass on the info either.

She's ruined my day. I was happy earlier. And now I just feel sick and drained.

If this was anyone but the ops mother the responses would be very very different.

Exactly. It's toxic behaviour.

Agreed, there's always a daft "you only get one mother etc" comment when clearly just being a mother doesn't make you a good person automatically. I think the history is telling and that the mother most likely didn't do this out of genuine concern for her daughter.

I guess the crux of the issue is did your mother do this because her health is deteriorating or did she do it to punish you for not getting back to her quickly enough?

If it was a punishment I'd be taking a big step back. I have no time for manipulative behaviour like this.

Your later posts have revealed more and in that case if you are really done you need to go NC. Tell her and your brother the situation and change your number. Its kind of a shit or get off the pot situation. You either have to deal with how she is or don't. From what you've said it's not like at 75 she's going to change and you've never liked her so it seems pretty much a done deal to me. If she rings the police you explain the situation and that's that -they won't continually come out to you after they know you don't want contact. Good luck, I hope you get the outcome you want.

I can guarantee her behaviour won't change so ball's in your court, really. Whether you like it or not.

You don't have to like your mother to be the one who stops giving days when you might call to her.

This seems more like you setting her up to do something you don't want her to do so that you can have a moan about her to be honest.

I think you might need to manage hers and yours expectations better.
She is elderly and lives alone with probably nothing to keep her mind occupied so she’ll home in on one specific issue as it’s all she has. Yes it is very very annoying but sadly it comes with having elderly parents, they worry and fret over seemingly nothing things.

The basic theory is that the mother has the emotional scope of a toddler. When she wants something (in this case, it’s @Mooshamoo ‘s attention) she wants it NOW!!! When that doesn’t happen, she has a tantrum. In this case, her tantrum involved ringing OP’s brother. That didn’t work, so she escalated to the Real Estate agent and the police, knowing that @Mooshamoo could not ignore them, and even though the attention she would receive as a result of doing this would be negative (because she absolutely knows she’s out of line) it is STILL attention. She will feel like she has won, and will then attempt to guilt trip @Mooshamoo for “making” her do this by not paying her attention in the first place. She will pull the “helpless little old lady abandoned by her daughter” card, probably compare OP negatively to other daughters (or the brother) who spoil their mothers with attention and do their mother’s bidding with no complaints, because they are GRATEFUL!!! She will no doubt do Bambi eyes and bringing up all kinds of (Probably fictitious) scenarios where she has matyred herself for her daughter’s benefit.
I have the album and the t shirt.
MUCH empathy!!!

It’s not necessarily dementia but I found my elderly parents became overly concerned about me in their 70s. They aren’t working so don’t have much else going on. Anxiety just increases.

People who are suggesting OP contact her mother more frequently to assuage her anxiety are well meaning but misguided. This kind of reassurance will only worsen anxiety in the long run. You need to starve anxiety, not feed it.

Of course, if it’s not anxiety and she’s just manipulative then then same applies - do not pander to her.

OP I totally understand why you’re feeling like that.

I think I would be telling her quite firmly that her behaviour was completely disproportionate and unreasonable and that she was not under any circumstances to do it again, or you would assume she was losing her mind and contact Social Care and her GP with regards a dementia and capacity assessment.

This

Op, you may be better posting this question in the Stately Home threads - people on here in the main are projecting their own mum experiences which obviously aren't yours. I sympathise.

It is probably a bit aged related and to someone very close to their mum or with a trouble free childhood that would be upsetting and they would be ringing more. To others it's not, it can be a "ffs not something else now that means I have to have more contact and I actually want less".

"If you don't answer my call, I will control you by calling everyone around you, until you give in"

It could easily be that, yes

However while I don't do internet diagnosis, there could also be an advantage to you in finding out if this is the start of dementia - as in you'd know what you were dealing with and could put things in place to protect yourself

To be clear I'm absolutely not suggesting it would somehow be your job to look after her, only that it could help you to see your way clear on this

My dad was controlling, so was dh mum. I don't have to see either of them anymore and it's lovely.

She sounds a right bitch too I dont know why women have multiple kids if they hate children. Birth control has been around for a long time for married women.

You dont have to see her just because she gave birth to you.

I find this thread so sad. As my Mum's dementia progressed, she became more and more demanding, and she rang me many many times each day, although she knew I would always call her. If I was out and didnt answer the phone, I would often come home to ten or more increasingly hysterical messages from her asking where I was. She began ringing me in the middle of the night when she thought she had intruders. She had no-one else she could turn to but me. I used to moan about her regularly, and had to drop everything on a regular basis to go round to let her into her house when she was locked out or to let her out when she had locked herself in, as well as all the other times when she insisted people were in the house. Life was incredibly stressful for a couple of years. She died last year, and I can honestly say that there is nothing I wouldn't give to have her ring me again at three in the morning and hear her voice. It's really true that you don't know what you've got until you've lost it.

So you said you’d ring her on Thursday.
You didn’t.

Then she tried ringing you and you didn’t answer.

And you didn’t text to say you don’t be calling her even though you said you would.

Tbh I can see why she’d worry.

You say she is a worrier/controlling yet you still told her you’d ring on Thursday but then didn’t or didn’t let her know by sending her a quick text.
What did you expect to happen?

I feel like you’re being a big of a martyr.

Stop telling her what day you’ll phone or if you do say a day and can’t do it that day then just send her a text.

I texted my friend very similar yesterday saying I was shattered so I’ll give her a call another time.
It would be rude of me to not let her know when I’d told her I’d ring.

Bless you. You sound like you are at your wit's end. Have you ever come across the Stately Homes threads on here? They are a kind, helpful space for people with challenging family members and the havoc they can wreak. There is much understanding and wisdom there. Link to the latest one: April 2023 -"Well we took you to Stately Homes" | Mumsnet

I really would think about flagging your mum with the Police so that they don't necessarily turn up every time and they can take action at their end with her if they need to.

And try and distance yourself; look up the Grey Rock techniques (more on the SH threads about that). I know it's horrible and easier said than done. But sometimes the only thing you can change is how you react to things. And "no" can be a complete sentence.

But you cannot set yourself on fire to keep your mother warm. You deserve your life and your peace of mind. Look after yourself. You're not a bad person. x