My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Did she try to phone you before calling the police?!

I agree with PPs though, probably a sign of dementia rather than just doing it to be annoying.

This must have been very embarrassing and frustrating for you. But you do not sound at all concerned for what your mother is going through either. My much loved, late mother, was a bit like this. It never got to that degree. But she was a real worrier and it got worse as she aged. But she was also kind and generous of spirit and I loved her dearly. I always did what I could to allay her fears and sooth her anxiety. Honestly, it sounds a little bit like you don’t care. If you love your mother at all it would plainly help her a lot to have a regular time to speak with you. And a text if you have to cancel.

It's clearly irrational behaviour I would be less annoyed and more concerned tbh. Definitely a trip to the gp is needed do you see anything else with her behaviour that is unusual?

Out of curiosity did she try calling you at all or just straight to the police?

Yes she is elderly but I know women who are five years older than her, who live alone, who don't treat their daughters , the way she treats me.

I did get really cross with her today. It was quite traumatising to open my door to two police . Then it was embarrassing to have my estate agent call me.

I don't know if its her mental health. She seems to be coping fine in most areas. She goes to groups etc

You could have sent her a text to let her know. There are many many threads on here from posters who worry when their adult DC or partners don't come home on time and the general consensus is a quick text to say so is the polite thing to do. This is just a variation of that. You may not feel you should have to do it but something that would have taken 30 seconds would have prevented her from worry and you embarrassment

That's your situation. You're lucky you had a loving mother. But because you did doesn't mean others did.

I'm sure you understand that many people do not get along with their mothers. I care and love my mother in that she is my mother. Do I like her, honestly no I don't. We have argued most of our lives

Yes she did try phone me. My phone was off as I was working from home

It seems that you do now have to do that. Or she phones the police.
Up to you.

A quick text would be reassuring and it really doesn’t take much to do.

It’s the least that most people would do in the situation you describe.

Did she ring or text you yesterday (thursday) when you didn't contact her? Or is there going to be a drip feed where you tell us that you usually keep your phone turned off or something?

She was obviously massively unreasonable, but part of having elderly parents is managing their moods and if you know she is like this and likely to get her knickers in a twist, a text saying "Exhausted this evening, Mum, will call before the weekend. xxx" would have taken all of 5 seconds to send.

I saw a very funny TikTok about applying gentle parenting techniques to managing your own elderly parents and it struck home!

I won't be sending her a text. As I said, I'm not particularly close to my mother. I tolerate her and care about her. But we are not friends and we never have been. She was never motherly to me

These sorts of things were the first sign of my grandad dementia. So many phones calls and increasing anxiety about family members. It didn’t present as obvious forgetfulness. We (family and doctors) all missed it until that started clearly forgetting things.

I was thinking possible dementia, too.

My late mother's first sign of dementia was (totally unwarranted) anxiety about money. Her specialist told me that when people are in the early stages of dementia, they often revert to worrying needlessly about things that were a cause of concern when they were in their 20s. My parents were incredibly hard up for 10 years or so when they were first married and really lived hand to mouth.

That's ridiculous. And you know it. I won't be sending her a text. It is her response that is completely over the top. And her behaviour that needs to change.

As I said if my brother didn't ring me when he said he would, there is no way I would call the police on him

She might have a UTI, and I would take her to the doctor for a check-up

Hugs to you, I understand this must be a stressful time.

It must have been very awkward and embarrassing, but if you know she has anxiety over when you are going to be in contact, then it would actually help both you and her if you acknowledged that and let her know if your plans change. If someone said they'd call me and then they didn't, I would think the polite thing to do would be to quickly update me and let me know. And I'm not elderly! At least then she won't be worrying and you won't get the police turning up at your door!

And this is why many of think that there is something wrong with the worriers of adult children and not healthy.

After a certain point it is intrusive and damaging. This is leaning into the extreme, but it’s not the OP’s job to manage her mother’s anxiety. The normal reaction if someone doesn’t hear from their otherwise capable adult child when expected is to assume they got busy or forgot, wait a reasonable amount of time, then call or text directly.

My Nan was like this with me, it gets suffocating as I felt I had to be tied to my phone just so she could speak to me and get proof of life twice a day. If she couldn't reach me she phoned EVERYONE she could think of.

So many people would say to be more patient, she's old etc or even worse that she obviously cares so much for me that she constantly terrified I'm dead. I had 3 young kids and a police officer husband, I was busy and did ensure I spoke daily to her.

Turned out it was dementia which triggered massive anxiety.

Again, it is not my responsibility to text her to ease her erratic behaviour.

It is her responsibility to change her behaviour. I definitelt won't be sending her texts. I know what she's like. If i start sending one text, she will want me to be texting her all day

Ok you dont like your mother or care about her. However she is your mother and you have a certain responsibility to her. No sympathy from me as to how your mother behaved. She was probably terrified and worried.

A lot of people get more anxious as they age but it can also be a sign of dementia.

I feel for you OP.

Of course your mother shouldn't call the police if you don't phone her. Of course you shouldn't have to be tied to a particular date and time to call. And if there was a way to wave a magic wand and have her not do that, it would be great. But there isn't. My guess is she has been overbearing and controlling all her life in her relationship with you. People don't ease off when they get older. They are themselves but more so.

So you need to strategise how to cope with this. The easiest thing could well be to say ok mum I will call you every Thursday at 5 pm. If I can't I will text you. Then you are stuck with one time/date (that you will probably dread tbh) and after that you are done. You won't be wondering if she will be calling in the army because you haven't phoned. I honestly think picking and sticking to a specific time would be of benefit to you. do it for that reason, not because she expects it.

There is a big diff between your brother and a 75 year old.
You need to develop empathy and a strategy to help your mother. Eg If she can’t reach you, then ring your sibling first, then try another sibling etc.
It is worth making an appt with her GP too.

No, you don't, but if you know she's a worrier and age is making it worse and she was expecting your call, surely a quick fired off text is better than the alternative?

This is exactly the kind of thing my mum would have done, pretending to be worried but actually doing it to almost punish me.

Incidentally my mum does now have cognitive issues (not due to Alzheimer's disease) and it's actually improved her a bit and she's less of an arsehole.

I'm like you though OP, she's my mum and I'll support her care needs and do what's needed but I wouldn't say I particularly like her. Many people find it difficult to grasp that not all families are like the Waltons- since she became unwell I had had people ask if she's going to move in with us! Not a chance in hell!