My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

The worst thing is : my mother's behaviour was totally over the top.

I rang her and argued with her . And told her not to do it again. That she embarassed me.

She said - "I've talked to people and they said I was right to do what I did.

She also said
"I was just caring . I won't care about you ever again. "
She also said
"If you are going to be that nasty to me, then leave me alone. I don't need people who are cruel to me in my life".

So she will act totally over the top to me, then tell me that I am being cruel to her.

She will also now tell her sisters that I am being nasty to her.

So she will act in a totally over the top dramatic way, then tell me I am being nasty for getting annoyed.

Do you know what my mother said to me.

She said to me "you are being completely over the top about me sending the police around to your house. You are over reacting."

She is telling me that I am over reacting about her sending the police round to my house.

Have you tried therapy OP? There are plenty of online options if you are very remote.

When you sell you house OP, I would consider not giving her your new number or address.

Tell her one last time that you do not want anything to do with her from this day forward. Block her on your phone.

Tell brother and aunt that you have done so and they are not to contact you regarding your mother. If she harasses them over it, its their problem to sort out.

Contact your estate agent. Apologise over what happened but say you don't want any further messages regarding your mother. Tell them to say they will pass messages on (or whatever) but don't.

Contact the police who came and mention your mother is harassing you so you don't need a welfare check if this woman calls again. Tell them she is blocked on your phone.

Then ignore, ignore, ignore. It might get bad at first but eventually it will stop.

This. Of course it feels overbearing, but why are you feeling embarrassed? I would be more worried that her mental health is deteriorating 😕

@inamarina

Have you read at least OP's posts?

Her mother has been abusive throughout her whole life, from childhood.

Please read ALL the OP's replies, before posting, @inamarina . the OP's mother was very abusive to her and never loved her or wanted her. The OP does not care if her mother is sick and/or has dementia. She doesn't care. She wants her out of her life, understandably.

I think @MNHQ need to make a rule that everyone must click on See all on a thread to see all an OPs replies, before they reply or else risk a suspension. This is getting fucking ridiculous! On just about every thread latecomers will only reply to the title or the first opening post.

@Mooshamoo - when your mother says something like this:

"She said - "I've talked to people and they said I was right to do what I did. "
You need to counter that with "No mum, they really didn't and it really wasn't the right thing to do. I'm telling you now, it was not the right thing to do."

When she says:
"If you are going to be that nasty to me, then leave me alone. I don't need people who are cruel to me in my life"
You reply with "That's fine. Just so long as you leave me alone too. However I think you'll be the first one to cave in because you live for the drama, you can't get enough of the drama. I'm no longer available for this purpose to you. Leave me alone. I no longer want you to phone me or contact me, either directly or through your friends or relatives. You are now being told to leave me alone."

Then when she contacts you again (and she will), you say "I was right. I didn't contact you, you contacted me. Now leave me alone"

Rinse & repeat.

Don't give her any ammunition to get any more information from you or do anything to you.

Oh, and your house will sell. If not, contact your local council and see if they can use it for social housing. There's usually a scheme with the councils around Ireland that you can rent your house to your council and the subsequently rent it via social housing. As an alternative mind

Yup, sounds that way.

And if it’s dementia none of this will make the slightest difference. You can’t reason with dementia because it affects reasoning skills and the sufferer is progressively living a different reality, won’t understand and won’t be able to change their behaviour. Three scenarios. Live with the situation as it is. Or contact GP and get the ball rolling on a dementia assessment. If it’s dementia get services in place so that the harassment stops. If it’s not, go NC because she’s not going to change.

Problem is that the OP doesn’t want to engage with getting an assessment or dealing with the diagnosis, should there be one. That’s fair enough given what’s she’s had to deal with over the years, but the only alternative to that is to go NC because as the illness escalates life will be unbearable. A lot of people on here don’t seem to understand what coping with dementia in an elderly relative is like, because they’re suggesting trying to reason with her. You can’t reason with dementia.

You know what? @Mooshamoo‘s mum would just LOVE it if she contacted doctors and SS. She would prove to them what a “bloody horrible” daughter she was and how “terribly neglected” she is. She would do the whole “It’s a conspiracy…” thing and prove to them that she is totally with it. She would just bloody love it if the police turned up, too, because it’s ATTENTION, and it means that despite what she has said, @Mooshamoo is thinking about her. Even negative attention is attention. The best thing that @Mooshamoo can do for her own MH is to follow through on her promise to go NC. (Or VLC if that works for her.)

I do wonder if OP is particularly vulnerable and therefore mother's act of calling the police for a welfare check is born out of concern rather than advanced dementia or malice. Speaking for myself, I have called the police a couple of times for what I think is a welfare check when my mother hasn't answered the phone - she was annoyed too but the police and paramedics said it was absolutely the right thing to do.

I feel bad for her. Anxiety is horrible

Ah just caught up. Sorry x

Yes but getting the police round to your house is very scary. Try to think of that before you do it again.

When I opened the door to a policewoman I thought that something terrible had happened

Nope - I would call the police again for my vulnerable mother not answering the phone (in her particular circumstances). Yes, of course she was put out to see the paramedics etc come in - who wouldn't be?! - but it was the right thing to do and she knew it was done out of love and concern.

@Mooshamoo There will always be people (unnamed and unknown) who she says agree with whatever tactic she’s pulled.
Your brother and her sisters likely agree with her to avoid her nastiness and having you as the whipping girl will suit them because it means she isn’t calling the police on them.

You know you will never win with her. She will never change. If this is the beginning of dementia as others are so keen for you to agree with, then she definitely won’t change.
Only you can.

If you haven’t yet, therapy is something you need to do because years of this woman will have worn away at every shred of self belief and worth you have.

It’s really hard to do what’s best for yourself with an abusive parent because they, society and the hard of thinking on here are so conditioned to excuse parental abuse. You deserve peace. Given your mothers age I am guessing you are in mid life now. You’ve given enough. Live your life for you.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle calling the police for an elderly vulnerable relative is very different to calling them for a healthy younger person simply because they didn’t call the day before.
It was a malicious act, plain and simple.

It would be a poor show on the part of the GP and social services if they were to listen to a 75 year old woman with a history of being so abusive, to the point where they override the concerns that she may be suffering from dementia. And if this is the onset of dementia she won’t be able to prove that she’s ‘totally with it’ because she isn’t. And these authorities know the signs.

If it’s the start of dementia, she will change. And not for the better.

Judging from OP's posts elsewhere, IIRC (she has a distinctive user name), she is unwell and vulnerable

But this is a completely different scenario from that of the OP, who isn’t elderly or vulnerable. And from what she’s posted about her history with her mother, I doubt it’s done from either love or concern.