My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

I don’t understand from my personal experience op but reading your updates, it seems you could definitely benefit from some therapy about how to react to this type of controlling behaviour from your mother. She seems very difficult

@Mooshamoo
I tried to go low contact with her before, I then had my aunties texting me saying your mum is elderly - why aren't you here with her etc

There is no way around it, OP. You have NO CHOICE but to go NC permanently, and explain in a text to your aunties and other relatives why you are going NC, the effect your mother has had on you over your life, and that you are henceforth NC with her and you will not be pestered about meeting up with her, your answer is final and they need to not hassle you because you are not for turning and you consider the subject closed.

It's the only way to save your sanity and emotional health.

I’m getting a bit cross with the people who keep writing that the OP needs to get her mum’s GP or SS involved. GPs and social workers have enough to do - they are not going to be able to solve the problem of a horrible person being horrible.

Have a look at covert narcissism. Yes I know it gets bandied about a lot on these boards. But it does sound very likely

All the people helpfully suggesting dementia because that's the only possible reason a mother could be hideous to her daughter probably have a lovely relationship with their mum. So maybe it wouldn't even cross their minds that some mothers are just shit mothers. For whatever reason. Narc or not.

For that reason I agree with pp. you need to go nc. If the flying monkeys harass you just repeat the same thing. No thanks.

You don't like her. So stop this feeling of obligation that you must be in contact with someone who causes you so much pain and distress.

If it was anyone other than your mum would you still have her in your life?

There's a great thread on here about stately homes. I skim read everyone else's posts so apologies if it's already been mentioned. But I'd get over there for some more tailored advice for toxic families and how to handle them.

It's not you. It's her.

There's some crazy posts on this thread even after the OP has explained several times what a controlling, manipulative woman her mother is.

Stop telling her how she should feel or that she should help a person who abused her and continues to do so. OP doesn't owe this woman anything. We wouldn't tell anyone to stay with an abusive partner or to keep being friends with someone like OP's mother.

This should not be any different. Some mothers are utterly shit human beings.

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/06/2023 13:22
She may be unwell. She may be worried. You could be a little more understanding.
This.

Why didn't she call you? Surely the police would have asked if she had called you to check you were not murdered by a serial killer home.

She is being abused. Her mother says vile things to her and tries to control her. You could be a little more understanding.

To add, possible dementia and if not that then my god I shes insane and I'd almost be inclined to go NC with her (I think if my mum did this I'd not be able to talk to her for weeks/months)

Yes, totally agree. You should get her checked out OP

If you’ve not been in this kind of a relationship with a controlling parent it may be difficult to understand how overwhelming, smothering and anxiety inducing it can be. OP knows that the motivation for her mother’s behaviour is not really care but control. She may be anxious, we all get anxious as parents but most of us are able to control it because we recognise that not doing so could be harmful to our children.

No. Go NC. My mother had her life, made her choices. Wrong ones. She was bitter, and realised that she could manipulate me, knowing exactly which buttons to press. She needed a virtual punch bag to vent her fury upon, and it was me. DH would come home, and know instantly when she'd been on the phone. You must save your sanity and happiness.
It's cut off time.

@Mooshamoo just go nc. It is not worth the stress

How is Op supposed to do that even if she wanted to?

Her mother called her dirty, lazy and useless just for not calling her when she was busy.

How exactly do you think trying to get her to the GP if she doesn't want to go is going to go?

Why should the OP subject herself to that abuse?

Those saying she may be unwell or have dementia- have you read what OP has said about their relationship? Her mother is controlling.

I don’t know why some OPs are so vehemently insisting that it can’t be dementia, as her mother has always been abusive. Do you think that abusive people don’t develop dementia or other illnesses as they age? (My abusive F had Parkinson’s for most of my life and also had several strokes as he aged.)

It’s being suggested that if there’s been an escalation of her mother’s behaviour (and she hadn’t called the police previously), then it might be a sign that she was developing dementia. At her age, it is a possibility, that’s all.

Or she may be escalating because the OP is attempting to pull away from her. None of us can actually diagnose whether she really is unwell.

It doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t go NC, as she doesn’t owe her mother anything and should protect her mental health now. She shouldn’t let herself get drawn into looking after her mother if she is indeed developing dementia.

Me too.
However, she sounds competent enough to call the Police, Estate Agent...

I have never understood clingy mums or clingy adult children for that matter. My adult children and I hardly ever phone each other, there's nothing to say beyond everything's the same. I have a friend, nearly 90, whose daughter phones her several times a day and harangues her if she does not get to the phone in time before the answer phone kicks in. It's not out of love but to nag her mother.
Some people are unable to think of anyone else but themselves. You may have to be very firm. Try a period of rest. Tell her you have something on, and won't be available for a week so won't be phoning. Try weaning her off this way. Or set a once a week time for her to phone.

OMG you seriously need to read all the OP’s comments!!
She grew up in an abusive home, not a fluffy loving one like yours

This OP has two problems. Firstly her mother is getting older and her health (mental and probably physical too) is declining. Second OP doesn’t seem to care. It is no good treating an irrational person like a rational one, trying to reason with them and getting annoyed when they don’t see things your way. You OP can try and accommodate your mother’s difficulties and be a loving caring daughter regardless of your former relationship with your mother or you can continue the way you are doing. It’s your choice but I suggest the latter course will not help with your current anger and frustration.

I was of the 'just text to say you can't talk' school of thought but having read your updates, @Mooshamoo, I can see why you were so defensive about it.

I wonder, if it's not a massive pain, whether you could get a second phone? Keep the one you've got now for your mum and all the flying monkeys to use, then use the new one for people who won't hound you expecting you to call her. Be careful who you give the number to, in other words. Then keep the current phone on mute and only check it when YOU feel like it, while using the other one for everything else. If your mum sends the police round again, tell them it's another malicious callout and they should warn her off. I would also text the flying monkeys to tell them to back off and you won't be responding to any messages going forward from them nagging you to call your mum. If they're that concerned about her, they can look after her themselves.

Exactly my thoughts

Then why is she asking for advice on how to deal with her mother? The answer is deal with her like you would deal with a stranger you have no relationship with. She either helps her mother through this difficult time in her life or she doesn’t. It’s her choice. Getting angry about it doesn’t help anyone.

Would you be telling an abused wife just
to put the former abuse behind her and be a loving devoted wife to her abuser??
yoube both made me vomit a bit in my mouth with your attitudes! People like you are enablers! If your children were being abused by kids at school or by their partners would you tell them to just be kind devoted friends to their bullies? Or living partners to their abusive partner??

jeez

OP vented in her original post… There was no single sentence asking for advice.
She’s made it very clear since how abusive and controlling/manipulative her mother has been throughout her whole life.
While ‘getting angry’ might not help, it is a pretty normal human emotion, and the police turning up on my door would first panic me that something had happened to someone I love, then when it was just someone trying to manipulate me into never being to too busy to call them again, I’d be pretty bloody angry too!
If you’ve never been in a controlling relationship you’ll never understand OP’s frustration.