My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Hi, I'll be honest having lost two elderly relatives to dementia and having my mother just starting to go the same way it really doesn't surprise me at all that she would have phoned the police. My own mother is the biggest drama queen, and a narcissist to boot, in the world (i.e. I once told her that I was trying to move away from sweet/sugary breakfasts and she immediately announced I had diabetes and pushed me for weeks to go to the doctors about it, more importantly dramatically told all her friends that I was diabetic) so I really do understand. But at 75 she's prime for dementia/altzehimers (sp) so what you really really need to think about is whether going no contact now is right for you long term. If she's gone, either through dementia or ill health, are you ok with that? If you are then YANBU, if not.....

You OP can try and accommodate your abusive husbands difficulties and be a loving caring wife regardless of your former relationship with your husband or you can continue the way you are doing. It’s your choice but I suggest the latter course will not help with your current anger and frustration.

Is this the advice you would give to a woman who had been abused by her husband as well?

Or is it just mother's we are supposed to accept abuse from in a loving caring way?

She didn't ask for advice.

Actually getting angry about being abused absolutely can help people. It can help people to get free from the abusive relationship and cut the abuser off.

As someone who was abused as a child the OP was probably brought up to suppress her anger and to not be allowed to show it or it would bring more abuse down on her. Telling her to stifle it now at the exact moment she needs it to get the courage to break free from FOG it actually quite cruel.

She needs to be able to feel the anger and move through it, preferably with the help of therapy to properly be able to process the abuse. Shoving her feeling down will be of no help to her whatsoever. In fact that's one of the ways family abuse patterns can continue down the generations.

@Mooshamoo how is your brothers relationship with your mother? Are the Aunts abusive to their kids?
Do you have a partner or children who can talk to the aunts about this on your behalf?

I’d be tempted in your shoes to move house and change my number and never be in contact with your mother again…. Tell your contacts not to give out any details to your mother and to just tell her when asked that you’re happy, well and currently don’t want to contact her. I would think your aunts are aware of your mothers abusive way of raising you, and I’d be sure to tell them that as an adult you’re finally breaking free and wish not to talk about her!! If they try to guilt trip you, I’d shut them down by saying that they should’ve intervened when she was abusing you as a kid rather than allowing it to happen then trying to guilt you into putting up with it as an adult!
It sounds like your mother is just a horrible person, someone with an undiagnosed mental health issue like personality disorder or a narcissist…
My elderly Nan is like this…. She was horrible to my mum, told her she was an accident her whole life, wanted a boy so only had a boys name chosen, left her unattended for hours while she visited friends and then tells us how awful our mum was because she smeared poo all over the cot and walls, used to hit my mum if she dared to laugh or scream too loudly while playing out the front with her friends, locked her in the cupboard under the stairs… the list goes on…. But generally isn’t pleasant about my mum as a child… my mum has no happy memories of her childhood! Married young and got out…
My Nan has had to change with age because you can’t beat your adult children, but she still has such a hold over my mum and it has transcended through the generations… we all very much have the attitude others are trying to force on you of ‘just call her/visit her etc to keep the peace’…
We all love and care for her because she’s our mum/Nan/great Nan… but the manipulation is there! She goes out very often, but if she gets wind of any of us going out with our friends we get guilt tripped.
For example if I tell her I’m going to visit my brother on Friday, she will call my mum and TELL her she has to take her out Friday because she’s fed up and doesn’t see her enough! If mum says ‘I can’t Friday because I’m doing XYZ’ Nan will hang up on her … Recently my mum and dad arranged to come for a long walk with me, my DD, my brother, his wife and their two DC… I told my mum not to tell Nan we were all going out, but she did anyway… predictably my Nan called that morning demanding my mum had to go round and spend the day with my Nan because she felt ‘so Poorly’ … so my poor parents had to dash around getting ready so they could visit her and assess her health… got there and could see her doing cross words in the lounge… as soon as she realised they were there she was poorly again.. she sulked when they made her a sandwich and a cuppa and said ‘we’ll pop in later’ bye!

Your mum will come back with either being ‘unwell’ to manipulate contact or tell everyone what an awful daughter you are… you will have to build resilience to her manipulation and tell people who say how awful you are l, that you had the best teacher (your mum)…

Good luck @Mooshamoo .. stay strong and put yourself 1st

Oh yes, the medical crisis will be coming. Don't fall for it OP.

The “medical crises” are undoubtedly next. Be prepared to deflect back to other flying monkeys like brothers and neighbours, etc. Let them know that you have enough on your plate and are unable to take this on at the moment.

One of the reasons people push her onto you so much OP is because she is too much hard work for them. I found this when my mother died and my brother was far too intrusive for everyone else, so they tried to guilt-trip me. I called them on it. I explained that he wasn’t my responsibility any more than he was theirs and I needed to look after my own mental and physical health by keeping him out of my life. Trying to guilt me into tolerating someone who I was afraid of by minimising his behaviour was unacceptable and I wouldn’t make their lives easier by falling for it.

Look what happened with police etc is just one event in a long painful difficult manipulative relationship. You are angry, getting angrier, unhappy, don't want to see her really, but feel that you must because she is your mother. She appears unkind, unloving in her comments and ungrateful for your efforts.

I suggest some counselling to help you make a decision moving forward re whether you want to continue the relationship or not. And BTW what does your brother think? What is his relationship like with Mum? Are you both in the same boat or is it just you?

OP - your mum is an awful person and age will make it worse. Cut her off. Deal with the police and whatever hassle she throws at you but she will give up eventually, change your number etc. you will eventually be free of her. You've done enough, free yourself of the guilt.

As someone who has a difficult narcissistic mother, it’s nearly impossible to explain to people who don’t have that situation. I’ve given up trying to explain it to friends because I just get “Aww, she’s still your Mum though”. Luckily I’ve got siblings I can vent to but the majority of people I’ve know just don’t understand the drip effect of growing up with her and dealing with the after effects now. What might seem like an innocuous comment to other people comes loaded with a lot of baggage when you’ve grown up with a narcissist.

OP, I've been there (including the FM aunt coming round to my house & doing the old emotional blackmail). Sometimes LC doesn't work because the abusive relative ignores it, or because it holds you in a very difficult & emotionally draining situation.

It's possible to go NC with a parent or other relative. I took a couple of goes to get there, but once I did it, that was it. I never went back on it. My parents are dead now, & I still know that it was the correct thing to do in my situation. The thing these emotional blackmailers don't understand is that all of us would prefer to have had decent parents & a loving relationship which continued into adulthood. But we don't/didn't have that & we have to work with reality.

Be aware that going NC with one relative can mean you lose other rellies with whom you wanted to stay in touch. You can't make people see the truth or stick with the nice people. They do what they want to or need to, & you have to let them.

Also be aware that the NC-d relative will need an explanation of what's happened which they can tell to other people, & it will be a smear campaign against you because otherwise they have to say, "I was an unfit parent & now my daughter wants nothing to do with me," & the chances of anyone saying that are zero. Thankfully, not everyone will believe them; but if you ever hear what they've said about you, it can be very hurtful.

But these things are out of our control, & this is the price we pay for our freedom. To me, it was a price worth paying, because nothing beats getting people who treat you badly out of your life.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you all the best.

I did add a message. I really get your angst. I have an awful mother! I've had therapy through different individuals for years. My mother's reaction is truly awful, but most people will not understand this because it's not normal. It's far from normal. So most will react that you're being unreasonable but you'd have to write a life long essay to account for what's going on. I do wonder if your mother is in the early stages of dementia. Equally, however, I really understand how it feels to think who gives a fuck! It sounds so awful but I really get it. My mother is awful. She had a stroke 18 months ago. My dh and kids were beside themselves worried that if she died I'd be bereft. Yet I don't think I would be. It feels, for me, like I've been waiting to live my life. I mean how shit is that? Waiting for my mother to die so I can begin my life. So I return to my previous contribution. Are you ok with her dying and never speaking to her again (I've struggled with this because I've been trained from birth to be worried about this moment) or could you live with yourself after this happens. Currently I'm there. I will do the least possible to ensure I'm seen as reasonable but actually I'm not sure I will cry when she dies. Which seems horrible, but I could write a novella on what she's done to me. Before ANYONE comments, surely it's incredibly sad that at 53, almost 54, I'm still waiting to start my life. Surely that's a mega AIBU|!!!

@Mooshamoo I think you are getting way too much flack on this thread from people who are not hearing you.

It sounds clear that your mother did not call you out of concern for you - she did so because she wanted something from you, for herself. Based on her behaviour she sounds like a "toxic" person. Some people are just like that. I am fortunate enough not to have a toxic mother myself, quite the opposite in fact, but several people who are important in my life, including my own mother, have faced major issues with their mothers.

I think the only things you "should" do are first, to start ignoring the people who are not hearing you, including on this thread, and then second, vis-a-vis your mother, to do whatever you think will get you a better result for yourself in your "relationship" with her, whether that means LC, NC, or just setting and enforcing whatever boundaries you can and want to set.

This sounds a bit harsh, OP. My mum was a bit like this and I hated it. Then she developed dementia. Soon she couldn’t even remember my number and I missed her calls so much. I longed for her overbearing interest in me. Now she has passed and I miss her so much.

OP, just read your post about your mother being abusive. So sorry you had to experience that.

Speaking as someone with experience of dementia, I don’t think it’s that people aren’t hearing the OP. It’s that those of us who have had to deal with close relatives who have the illness recognise the symptoms as the possible onset of it, and because we’ve lived it realise that if this is dementia the problem won’t go away, it’ll get worse.

From the OP’s first couple of posts it seemed that she was looking for a way to deal with it, and it was only later on that she stated outright that she doesn’t care if her mother has dementia - she has no interest in either helping her get a diagnosis, or dealing with the illness, if in fact, that’s what this is. That’s her choice. All the people who were ‘not hearing’, including myself, were trying to do was point out that her mothers’ long standing behaviour will be made worse if she has dementia, and as a consequence the OP’s life will get a lot more difficult as things escalate out of control. Either she needs to get some help for her mother, or go no contact. As I said, her choice.

Why are you getting cross with people suggesting this, given that it’s coming from the concern that it may be the start of dementia ? Her mothers’ age and escalating behavioural issues fit, and if it goes undiagnosed and untreated the OP’s life is going to get very much more difficult as a result. As anyone who has dealt with a relative who has the illness will know. No one is trying to force the OP to do anything at all - just pointing out that if it is dementia and she doesn’t want to get involved, she may need to go NC altogether as the situation worsens.

@Rosscameasdoody I agree with you that making a call to get some proper care for her mother to be provided by a third party might well be in OPs own interest.

I was reacting mostly to the ones who said, in effect, that OP is lucky that her mother cares about her so very much.

I read only the posts from the OP herself, and a very small sampling of the others, but just going from what the OP said, it seems likely that her mother has form for using the pretence of caring in order to get attention for herself while dissing her daughter, the OP.

It wouldn't even cross my mind to contact my mothers GP about her. I don't live near my mother. We don't see each other a lot. We are distant to each other.

It would be like me ringing a stranger's GP and talking to them.

We no longer live in a population where a 75 year old is unusually aged. About a quarter of the general population is over 60 - and this is increasing.

A 75 year old who is extremely unpleasant but has had no change in personality is not someone who is going to be saved by a GP or social worker. Realistically the GP is going to expect the OP to be around a lot more to support her mother if she contacts them.

What I'm most upset about is I had just put my house up for sale. I wanted to be professional with my estate agent, (small town Ireland).

She rang my estate agent . My estate agent texted me to say that my mother was worried about me. I just think it makes me look like a total fool with the estate agent. I'm nearly 40.

Will he even still put effort into selling my house after this . ? I wouldn't put all my energy into selling a house of a person, whose mother is annoying them . I just feel like she has no cop on whatsoever

Because it’s common courtesy. I would always let someone know if I can’t call when I say I will. Especially if it will cause issues for them, as in your case.

It’s not ridiculous; it’s normal. The problem is your relationship with her is abnormal, which is why you can’t see this is a normal thing to do.

@Mooshamoo it is SUCH a sellers market at the moment, your house will absolutely sell provided it’s on at the right price. Asides from that, don’t worry too much about what your estate agent thinks - people are aware elderly people can get anxious, and while you know she’s abusive he won’t. If you want to be super professional you could give him a ring and say to him that you suspect she’s unwell - just be vague - and not to be concerned if she calls again. It’s fine - agents deal with all sorts.

are you okay? You sound upset 💐

I'm in Ireland. I don't know if its a seller's market in Ireland.

Honestly? Your agent won’t give a monkey’s about you or your relatives (even if he pretends to). He wants the sale and he wants his percentage. Then he’ll move on and forget all about this.

Estate agents see people (sellers and their relatives) at their worst. People selling because they are getting divorced, a house being sold to pay for care home fees (and the children squabbling), bereaved relatives. Sellers are often in quite a stressful situation.