My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Ok thank you

OP. Of course, your Mother should not behave this way.
But she does. Could be MH or she's merely being controlling.
Either way you have 3 options.
Assume Controlling & Go No Contact.
Assume MH. Get GP involved. Set a time once a week & call her without fail.
Carry on as before & know that, sooner or later, she'll do this again. And again.
It's up to you which you choose.

And, of course it felt very embarrassing for you.
But the Estate Agent & Police won't care a jot.
They'll have seen / heard a lot 'worse' so try to put that bit out of your mind x

^this

This!

@Mooshamoo also Irish - it very much is a sellers market, there is a huge deficit of homes out there. Your place will sell.

Ah thanks so much. But it isn't everywhere in Ireland I'm afraid. Yes it is a seller's market in the cities.

But I'm in a small town in North West of Ireland . Not a popular town. The house across the road from me took 8 months to sell..

Still fingers crossed ,the summerthis year might be a good time to sell

In all honesty he probably won’t care.

Its very normal to worry about something happening to your loved ones when you can’t get hold of them.

There have been multiple threads about partners going out and arranging to be back at 10pm but it’s now 1am and they’re not answering their phones etc.

He will be understanding and see it as a nice person looking out for a family member.

Mumsnet - where controlling husbands are to be left, but controlling mothers are to be appeased.

Actually, a husband who even dares to display a flash of anger (a normal human emotion), in circumstances where that anger would be appropriate, is to be left.

Yet women here regularly gaslight other women into accepting abusive relationship dynamics from their mothers because, you know, “one day she’ll be dead” and “I wish my mother were still alive to call the police on me”.

Madness.

She’s not wrong about the latter course though. If this is dementia it’s about to get a lot, lot worse. The OP’s mother has been controlling and abusive for a long time but if dementia is at play now, it will just exacerbate the personality traits which have been there for years, and it will escalate out of control. So there are choices to be made, and if the OP doesn’t want to engage with the possibility that her mother is mentally ill, then going NC is the only option with which she can preserve her own mental health.

You seem to have missed the point that that particular poster only suggested two options for the OP

accommodate your mothers difficulties and be a loving caring daughter regardless of your former relationship with your mother

or

you can continue the way you are doing.

It apparently didn't cross their mind to tell the OP alongside gracefully accepting the abuse and getting angry and frustrated by it, that she didn't actually have to stick around to be abused at all.

I'm pleased your not my daughter.

You've read a thread about a woman being abused by her mother since she was a child and that's the comment you choose to make? Wow.

I can just imagine the kind of mum and mother in law you will be in old age (if you aren’t there yet).

Read all of OP's posts.

She has been abused by her mother throughout her life.

And you've just posted that. Bloody hell.

You owe her an apology.

This is why you should always at least read all of the OP's posts on a thread. You can do so in one click, it's not difficult.

OP - if you contacted your mother's GP and told them you're worried about her MH because of her escalating controlling behaviour and you are concerned it's the beginning of dementia do you think that would make things better for you?

I'm warming to the idea of you doing this to put the ball back in your court, rather than always having to put up with her behaviour. Make it someone else's (who is medically qualified to assess it as abnormal) problem to deal with.

What's the worst that can happen?

Nailed it.

I'm pleased you're not my mother.

I'm sure the OP is too.

So if I call you and you don't answer.

If you miss answering ONE phone call to me, and I send the police around to your house.

And I then call the estate agent to get him to check how you are.

How will you feel?
I have reached the absolute limit with my mother . She is insane. If anyone else was doing this to me I'd charge them with harassment.

I don't think it's a seller's market in Ireland. The house across the road from me took 8 months to sell.
I've had my house up for sale for two weeks now. No viewings yet.

Small town - west of Ireland.

I just really want to sell this house. That is why my mother messing around with my estate agent has upset me. I feel like I can't live my own life at 39.

I don't really have any solutions to offer OP, but I do have sympathy. I experience a similar dynamic with a parent where any contact is leveraged as a tool of control. Calling, not calling, having calls with other people that are in no way connected with the parent: everything is used as a weapon. It really grinds you down, I know. As callous as it sounds, I am just waiting for the day nature takes its course and I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I’ve suggested this several times. The OP has already stated that she doesn’t care if this is dementia or not, and has no intention of engaging with it.

I think a lot of people are missing the point here. Quite a few people, myself included, have suggested dementia because we’ve had experience of it with parents/relatives and recognise what the OP has described as possible onset symptoms. We’ve been roundly criticised for making excuses for the behaviour, and having no understanding of abusive parents - which is fair enough, but by the same token, if you have no experience of dealing with dementia, you can’t possibly understand the devastating effects it can have on all concerned.

The OP has posted at length about the effect her mothers’ behaviour is having on her. She’s also acknowledged that the behaviour is not normal. Dementia takes existing personality traits and exaggerates them. If this is what’s happening here, then it’s going to spiral out of control, and if the OP still has contact with her mother, things will get much worse. So to my mind it’s easier to pick up the phone and alert the GP to what’s going on, than dealing with the consequences if dementia goes undiagnosed and unchecked. It’s not a matter of pandering to her mother, it’s taking the simplest route to stopping the harassment. If it turns out to be dementia, then the OP can make it someone elses’ problem, if not then she has her answer and the option to go NC. At the end of the day only she can make that choice.

Found you!

@timesaretight Read ALL the OP's posts, the OP's mother was very abusive to her and never loved her or wanted her.