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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a "stay-at-home wife" even if children arn't on the cards, due to chronic illness?

142 replies

Agix · 01/06/2023 19:26

Hey all. I've been lurking this forum a while, decided to post this question today. went to create an account and already had one. Who knew!

I know this is a parenting forum, and children arn't involved, but that's kinda why I'd really like opinions from the people here. Just need some thoughts/views.

Partner and I are engaged. Jointly own a home, mortgage. We both work full time. He is the higher earner by far.

I have various chronic illness - just an ultra sickly person. I wont bore you with what manner of things exactly, but it's a mixture of physical illness, and mental illness. One is a gnarly dose of PCOS which is absolutely pants in itself, and already know I will struggle to have children. GP mentioned it could be an IVF dealio. Partner and I have decided not to go down that route... neither of us want kids enough, and how I would deal with the process with other health issues is uncertain. So, no kids.

Love, love, LOVE my job. I also really value my independence, my own income, contributing... but as time goes by, I'm getting exhausted. Job is purely from home, but very demanding and heavy in a lot of ways.

I'm only 34, but feel like my body is just breaking down now. I get up, work, try to eat something my partner has for me, sleep, repeat. Weekends, I can't do anything - I'm too worn out from the work week. Migraines, nausea, pains.. can't see family, or friends, I miss them. Once in a while, I help with chores. Barely. Partner does most things for me AND works full time demanding job. He's an angel.

We've both been worried about my health. Last 1 - 1.5yr things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Been doctors, hospital tests, nothing extra is wrong - just same old taking it's toll. My mental health is shot, so much pain and fatigue, and no real life.

Recently, we've been starting to discuss me just quitting work. Partner wants to see me well as I can be and happy (again, an angel). Relying on partner's income - belts would be tighter, but we'd be in an alright place. I would have energy to take on chores around the home, shopping, etc at my own pace. A housewife. Me! Feminist independent me, a housewife!

...The idea makes me want to cry with relief, love my job but I am SO worn out (not performing well at work either, although they're brilliant about it, v. supportive) but I feel so guilty at the thought of not earning an income. From the outside, wouldn't it look indulgent? We'd have no fun money though, lol, so perhaps not.

AIBU to want this? Is it just a case of putting my big girl pants on until retirement age (if we get one!!!)? No kids on the cards means no reason to quit work?

Would probably see about reducing my hours before quitting entirely, to see how it goes. Just thought I'd ask about if I quit entirely to get some thoughts about the whole "stay at home" thing.

Thanks for reading this far!

OP posts:
IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 01/06/2023 19:29

Go part time. No need for it to be all or nothing. If you don’t work at all you’re very dependent on your partner and being a carer is stressful plus it changes the relationship.

IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 01/06/2023 19:30

I also have chronic illnesses and children. I work 32 hrs a week and do very little outside that as I’m not able to. That is pretty normal for those with chronic illness.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/06/2023 19:31

I wouldn’t make myself financially dependent on a partner. He could fuck off whenever and leave you with a gap in your CV and a gap in your workplace pension contributions.

SquirrelSoShiny · 01/06/2023 19:31

IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 01/06/2023 19:29

Go part time. No need for it to be all or nothing. If you don’t work at all you’re very dependent on your partner and being a carer is stressful plus it changes the relationship.

This tbh. Your illnesses will put a strain on your relationship which may bring you closer together or may drive you apart over time. It's good to have an income of your own.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 01/06/2023 19:31

Half your hours - still earning, still getting to do something you love, but a chance to rest and relax as well

whitebreadjamsandwich · 01/06/2023 19:32

And don't quit until you're married - you need the financial protection of marriage behind you

Acheyknees · 01/06/2023 19:32

I would reduce my hours first before quitting as I would feel very vulnerable financially. It's putting a lot of pressure on your DP and even though he's supportive now what happens if things change between you?
Do you have savings to fall back on? Do you have a pension?

AlligatorPsychopath · 01/06/2023 19:32

I agree; reduce your hours to 0.5/0.6 or so. Less strain on you, way less risk than becoming dependent.

Comedycook · 01/06/2023 19:33

In theory, I'd say do it. You sound really unwell.

In practice, I'd be very very worried about your financial future if your relationship breaks down.

N1a2m3echange · 01/06/2023 19:34

Maybe go part time?

Blanketenvy · 01/06/2023 19:34

I'm in a very similar boat. No DC but multiple health conditions it's an absolute struggle to get through each day and I just feel miserable coping with feeling terrible. I work 22.5 hours over 4 days and use A/l to reduce my hours further. I would give up work in a heartbeat if DP earned enough or at least reduce to the bare minimum.

nahwhale · 01/06/2023 19:34

Personally I would go for reduced hours first. It sounds like you enjoy your job and if you decide not working isn't for you then you may really struggle to find part time hours doing the same job again

Testino · 01/06/2023 19:34

If you can manage to go part time, do that and give it a shot. If you cannot, then you cannot. YANBU

Blanketenvy · 01/06/2023 19:36

IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 01/06/2023 19:30

I also have chronic illnesses and children. I work 32 hrs a week and do very little outside that as I’m not able to. That is pretty normal for those with chronic illness.

Not sure that's true. It varies between people working full time to those not working at all depending on conditions, level of disability and the choices people are are able to make.

sweetkitty · 01/06/2023 19:36

I’m cutting my hours in August to work 3 days a week due to chronic illness. My children are all teenagers now so it’s more for my health than them needing me as such. I love my job and the independence it brings but I’m finding it just too much. I’d try to do 2/3 days a week first.

Sellotape6 · 01/06/2023 19:36

Don’t worry about “how it looks” but just how it’ll feel.

You say you love your job. Is it something you can go back to part time if not working doesn’t work out? Ie: you find not working is quite unfulfilling, your relationship unexpectedly ends, etc. As a Pp said above, your partner taking over the carer role may change the dynamic in a way you’re both unhappy with.

Is part time an option? Would even a day a week keep you in the industry, doing something you love, holding a space there, just in case.

CharlotteRumpling · 01/06/2023 19:37

Don't quit your job entirely. Your partner may be sweet and supportive now but not in the future. The balance of power will change.

mynameiscalypso · 01/06/2023 19:37

Similar situation here albeit I do have a DS. I work part time which is a good balance for me and I'll probably stay that way for a while. I've had some periods off work (mainly for mental health reasons than physical health reasons) but, generally, find that work, so long as I don't push myself too much, is more valuable to my overall well-being than not working.

Polkadotties · 01/06/2023 19:38

Does your job offer an ill health retirement package?

Original poster
Agix · 01/06/2023 19:42

Hi all, thank you so much for your replies.

Yeah, I would see about reducing hours first for sure. I don't know if my workplace would be able to as they'd need to replace the hours I don't do, but they're so lovely and supportive, I think they would if they could. Chances are good, I know they've reduced hours for others and replaced them so...

I suppose this thread is more about if that doesn't work, or if they can't. I think I've just gotten so exhausted I'm thinking of worst case scenario. I hate the thought of reducing any hours at work. 2 full time incomes is good, my job is amazing, my colleagues fantastic. I'm so lucky. Just hate that I feel increasingly incapable.

I'd want to take on the majority of the house chores ideally if I worked any less. I'd be slow at them but at least partner wouldn't have to do so much extra. I want to look after him too, as much as he looks after me.

OP posts:
ThePensivePig · 01/06/2023 19:42

If it's physically and mentally possible for you to work part time, I'd do that. I don't work right now thanks to a severe mental health problem, but I do work when I'm well enough. Unfortunately it means I don't have a career as such, more a collection of random short term contracts. It's a world away from what I hoped for (and studied for!) But it works for us as a family. We had children and I was (when well enough) the primary carer. When I was unwell, fortunately DH was able to work flexibly and we also had family nearby who could help. Unfortunately my patchy work pattern has left me with little future financial security in my own right. Definitely something to think about.

afromom · 01/06/2023 19:48

Could you plan to reduce hours after say 6/12 months and over that period save all/most of your salary. Then after that time work reduced hours to see how it goes and again save maybe half your salary. That way you build a good savings pot for you both over a short time (if you think you can financially cope without working you can cope without your salary). Then when settled working part time you have a good pot of savings and can also earn extra to put towards the household?
It may be that you can't wait that long, if so ignore the above. But it would give you both some financial security to have a savings pot alongside your reduced household income for any unexpected issues when living on a lower wage.

Original poster
Agix · 01/06/2023 19:54

afromom · 01/06/2023 19:48

Could you plan to reduce hours after say 6/12 months and over that period save all/most of your salary. Then after that time work reduced hours to see how it goes and again save maybe half your salary. That way you build a good savings pot for you both over a short time (if you think you can financially cope without working you can cope without your salary). Then when settled working part time you have a good pot of savings and can also earn extra to put towards the household?
It may be that you can't wait that long, if so ignore the above. But it would give you both some financial security to have a savings pot alongside your reduced household income for any unexpected issues when living on a lower wage.

I like this idea. I can certainly try to hold out for a length of time - I'm still 50/50 on reducing any hours at all, or staying as I am. Either just feeling like this or incase something happens to magically improve my health (working on it).

Will discuss this with partner. Like a "one income trial run" kinda thing. He's already prepared for us to rely on his income, I don't think he'd have a problem with an idea like this. Thank you.

OP posts:
IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 01/06/2023 19:59

I know someone who did this as she was really struggling TTC. Gave up her ft job in London and she and her DH moved out to a commuter town in Surrey. She didn't plan to do it forever and had plans to go back to work doing something different. It seemed to work for them and they now have two DCs. Not sure what she's doing for work.

I would say they were really well off and had the most beautiful big house in a place DH and I would struggle to buy a flat with both of us working ft. She also was a bit older and felt she had achieved a lot in her career already and was happy to do a bit less and have a more low key career.

Not sure I'd do it, but it can work.

As you say, I think reducing your hours would be better

IAmTheWalrus85 · 01/06/2023 20:00

I would try part-time first, then consider what to do if that’s still too much. There’s no real reason to think beyond that at this point is there?

And there are lots of reasons to try to make part-time work if you can - you love your job; your partner’s supportive now but may not always be; you don’t know what the future holds - he could get ill himself; one or both of you may get fed up of living a life with no fun money; the cost of living is very unpredictable at the moment.